How common is it for the father to get custody?

[HellloBambinos]

Asking for a friend of mine although it is all still quite hypothetical at the moment. He is fairly sure his wife is going to want to leave him quite soon as they had some problems before lockdown and things have got worse rather than better.

They have two school aged DC and he has said if she does leave him he wants at least 50% custody. But that people have told him courts prefer kids to have a ‘main’ home so he wants that to be with him.

For what it’s worth they’ve always been a very equal couple in terms of childcare responsibilities but he does more pick ups and drop offs as he is public sector so quite flexible.

He’s asked me if I know any families where the Dad has got custody but I genuinely. I’ve only really known situations where it’s made more sense for the Mum to have main custody as she works part time anyway or similar. So could anyone tell me how common it is and would he have a chance?

Both great parents btw so no safety issues or anything.

Is there something unwritten here? Why is he considering court and fighting his ex, on the basis of “he heard”. His wife hasn’t even left him yet, and he’s plotting the end of their marriage and to get the kids.

It often becomes apparent that the one wanting to be the ‘main carer’ is doing it for the financial gain which I find terrible!

Yes, absolutely awful to want to be able to keep a roof over yours and your child’s head after separation. Something increasingly difficult to achieve with house and rental prices.

My friend had (officially) 50:50 custody with his primary age children.

In reality, as is a freelance and works from home he ended up doing 80% of pick ups/school events. He also ended up having them 5 days a week but it was flexible.

He did have to get a solicitor to petition their mum for his fair share of child benefit though. She earned way more than him and he had the children more of the time. I think he was successful.

It was never official that there was a 'main' residence I don't think.

Msflibble - it's called "nesting" but only works if the divorce is amicable (no going through the other parent's stuff) and as long as there's no new partners to consider.

Just to add, his dvd are now teenagers. Relationships with both parents have remained close. He and his ex still have a decent working relationship where the dcs are concerned. It's been 'scratchy' at times but I think the best way is to maintain a civil and reasonable relationship.

A lot of 50:50 or almost 50:50 but not many fathers as primary Carer unless the mother is incapable of being primary Carer (eg. Due to addiction) IME.

@BumpBundle

In theory, if both parents are good parents then it should be 50/50. In reality, the mother is usually favoured due to an out of date court system and a judiciary that are resistant to change. It's not impossible but he needs to be aware that family lawyers are not beyond trying really, really, really hard to find anything that they could ever try to convey as "abuse" in order to prevent him getting his fair share of access if the mother resists. Has he ever shouted at her? Has he ever said she can't purchase something? I once had a case where a lawyer was trying to argue coercive control because eight years prior, the mother had a Facebook message we he had responded "absolutely not" to a link of puppies for sale. Increasingly judges see through this tactic, especially if she claims abuse in order to secure legal aid but it's still pretty dodgy. The best way to secure 50/50 is to try to either both leave the marital home or be the one to remain in the marital home and to make sure that his contact never falls below 50%

But for what purpose would a solicitor do that? Try and portray the father as abusive when he isn’t?

What kind of mother would sit back and say ‘Yeah let’s go down that route and be deceitful’

That’s absolutely shocking and says more about the mother and the corrupt solicitor! It’s disgusting actually

I don't know why any decent parent with a partner they regard as a decent parent who is currently sharing childcare would want more than 50/50 unless for some reason the other parent didn't want their full 50 percent.

My Dad got almost full time care of my half sister. Her Mum didn't fight it.

She was an alcoholic though. Would be sober for months and then binge.

@Starcup A solicitor will do that to get their client residency with the child(ren). Often a mother will begin by saying how much they don't want to go 50/50 because they'll miss their child so much and their child will miss them and their husband doesn't know how to do the voices properly on their favourite bedtime book or always cuts their sandwiches the wrong way (and obviously not focus on the fact that the other parent is the only one who can brush their hair without them crying or knows their secret handshake). That will convince the lawyer that the child should be with the mother more but the lawyer will know that the mother doing voices or cutting sandwiches will not convince a court. So, they will look into the legal reasons why a court will give preference to the mother. Often that will be things like abuse, drugs, criminal conviction etc. The father can do a drugs test and produce his criminal record very easily - it is much harder to disprove accusations of abuse. It is also very easy to create "evidence" of abuse from things that are entirely innocent. I had one case where the child, aged seven, had drawn a picture of his father and had used a red pencil for the face. The lawyer for the mother provided that as evidence that the children perceived him as an angry person. On another case, the mother asked the children to produce a list of everything they liked and disliked about their father - and then produced only the negatives to the court. I've heard family lawyers that I've worked with advise clients to get their children to write statements to the court after their bedtime because it's easier to get them to say what's "necessary", I've also heard them say that they should get the statements written if they've just been disciplined by the father or just received a gift from the mother, to say phrases like "if you come and live with mummy after the divorce then you can have your own bedroom - would you like to live with mummy if you can have your own bedroom?".
These practices just don't seem to occur with fathers. Perhaps men are less emotive with their lawyers, perhaps less manipulative - I honestly don't know. But this behaviour is a massive reason why I chose not to qualify as a family solicitor - the whole thing is beyond corrupt, and what's dangerous is that after all that manipulation, the mother gets primary residency and the lawyer and mother both walk away thinking that they've done the right thing.

A friend of mine does 50/50 with his ex, has done since their DD was a toddler. They work together brilliantly as parents, attend parents evenings at school together and are better as friends than they ever were as a married couple. Both have new partners, they live close together and it works. The DD views it as having two homes, not having none.

My DB has the primary care of my nephew. So it does happen.

They have two school aged DC and he has said if she does leave him he wants at least 50% custody. But that people have told him courts prefer kids to have a ‘main’ home so he wants that to be with him.

So he's threatening to take the kids if she leaves him?

Tale as old as time, that.

Things got worse in lockdown, you say? What's her side of the story? Why's she leaving?

I used to work for Child Maintenance (a long time ago) and I vaguely remember that if the parents had 50/50 shared care they could still determine a 'main' primary Carer based on thing like;

• who received child benefit
• who took child to doctors/dentists appointments
• who was responsible for collecting child from school if I'll

And some other things along those lines, might be something for him to consider

I've heard family lawyers that I've worked with advise clients to get their children to write statements to the court after their bedtime because it's easier to get them to say what's "necessary"

I find this hard to believe, purely because it would be absolutely shocking advice. Judges wouldn’t even look at such “statements” and would be highly likely to look unfavourably upon any parent who involved their child in such a way.

No one ever questions why a women would want to be the RP...

For what it's worth OP, I stayed with my dad when he and my mum split up. They didn't go through court (I don't think) but I wanted to stay with my dad. My mum was a perfectly good parent but I wanted to be with my Dad majority of the time so that's what I did.

We have 50:50 arrangement ourselves now (our kids, not me between my parents )

Woman*

I think it really depends on the age of the children

Friends share care of primary aged DCs 50/50. But ambicable divorce, financially well-off so could afford to run two similar homes in the local area. It seems to be working out well for the kids though.

I have something that looks like 50:50 with DDs dad. We divorced last year. We both love DD and had a civilised split- no arguing over blame or money. We had a financial order done but no child order. We agreed between ourselves. I do more term time as I work from home, he does more holidays. He’s furloughed at the moment and I’m busy so she’s with me weekends and him during the week. Neither pays maintenance. I earn far more and pay for their holidays and the clothes she has at his. That way she gets “equal treatment” at both homes.

I’d recommend he start from what is most practical and best for the kids. 50:50 doesn’t have to be strict and regimented at all times if you can both get on and put the kids first!

It depends on the children surely. I have one dc with additional needs and it would be massively detrimental for them to not have one stable home. The others are more flexible but wouldn’t like the idea of living away from me and would likely find it traumatic as I am their primary caregiver

It's a little frightening that he's basing his decision about what to do on what he wants.
He needs to sit down, think about the kids and their needs and go from there.
A balance of impact, change, their ability to cope etc etc. Telling their school as soon as they decide to separate etc etc.
The children are not possessions.

The 1 case I know of it was because they both worked part time (3 days a week each, Wednesday childcare with his parents). But dad , my colleague, did 4/5 school drop offs and pick ups. Dentist etc.

That was an amicable split but it ended up as something like 60/40 care in his (the father's) custody due to practical issues, logistics. But both very good involved parents.

So he's threatening to take the kids if she leaves him?

Tale as old as time, that.

Things got worse in lockdown, you say? What's her side of the story? Why's she leaving?

^^ This, with bells on.