How common is it for the father to get custody?

[HellloBambinos]

Asking for a friend of mine although it is all still quite hypothetical at the moment. He is fairly sure his wife is going to want to leave him quite soon as they had some problems before lockdown and things have got worse rather than better.

They have two school aged DC and he has said if she does leave him he wants at least 50% custody. But that people have told him courts prefer kids to have a ‘main’ home so he wants that to be with him.

For what it’s worth they’ve always been a very equal couple in terms of childcare responsibilities but he does more pick ups and drop offs as he is public sector so quite flexible.

He’s asked me if I know any families where the Dad has got custody but I genuinely. I’ve only really known situations where it’s made more sense for the Mum to have main custody as she works part time anyway or similar. So could anyone tell me how common it is and would he have a chance?

Both great parents btw so no safety issues or anything.

[Pleasenodont]

Usually give the NRP (most often the Father) EOW access and one weekday, 50:50 isn’t commonplace at all.

[PickUpAPickUpAPenguin]

I know 50/50 families and it works well. Obviously there are constraints like not being able to move out of the area but I think that your friend could get 50%.
If his wife is going to leave, will she take the kids with her? He might want to make sure that any move is local because if she moves far away then the court may want to preserve the new status quo as opposed to force the kids to move back.
If the kids are quite old, they will have a say on where they want to live btw so 50/50 could be hypothetical

[FudgeBrownie2019]

They have two school aged DC and he has said if she does leave him he wants at least 50% custody. But that people have told him courts prefer kids to have a ‘main’ home so he wants that to be with him.

This is odd "at least 50/50" - does he believe he should have more? Why should his be the "main" home? Are his DC possessions he owns? Both parents have equal rights to a relationship with their DC, both parents should be taken into consideration - on top of what is best in terms of continuity for the DC. Not what one person feels they're entitled to.

The families I know personally where they have DC and divorce have all been EOW with Dad type affairs. I don't know anyone who does 50/50, myself included. Ex and I get on very well and wouldn't begrudge one another time with DS but both agreed when he was very small that 50/50 didn't feel right for him. 14 years on I'm glad every day we didn't.

[AcrossthePond55]

I'm in the US and I think 50/50 is fairly common here, assuming that both parents have similar home 'set-ups', have provided pretty much 'equal care' in the past and have the ability to provide 'equal care' in the future.

In the situations I've known where it HASN'T been 50/50 it's been because the father either didn't want shared custody or was an inadequate parent to begin with.

[AlternativePerspective]

Tell him he needs to ignore what people are saying about the courts not allowing this and that.

If he and his wife are agreeable to 50/50 and they believe it is in the best interests of the children then it doesn’t even need to go to court.

Residency of the children doesn’t need to be legally signed off, so tell him his worries are boundless and he doesn’t need to make claims for anything as long as he and his ex can agree.

When me and my eXH split we never went near a court. We agreed 50/50 ourselves and at the time it worked well. It’s only with time that DS has got to the point where he is with me all the time.

[FilthyforFirth]

My dad was given custody of me and my little brother. I was old enough to express a preference, DB was not. My mum is a perfectly good parent but I was closer to my dad and needed his structure. We saw mum several times a week and EOW.

[OffToSingapore]

Men can't win on this one (not on Mumsnet anyway). If they have the child every other weekend and one evening a week then they're a Disney dad, leaving all the hard work of parenting to the mother. If they go for 50/50 then the children have no stability or permanent home, so the dad's putting his own needs above his children (or he wants to get out of paying maintenance). If he wants the kids the majority of the time then he's an abusive bully, ripping the children away from their mother.

But anyway, I think 50/50 sounds best in this situation. That's what I'd be going for if I were him.

[SheWranglesRugRats]

I have a male friend who has sole custody but the child’s mother has serious mental health issues.

[BumpBundle]

In theory, if both parents are good parents then it should be 50/50. In reality, the mother is usually favoured due to an out of date court system and a judiciary that are resistant to change. It's not impossible but he needs to be aware that family lawyers are not beyond trying really, really, really hard to find anything that they could ever try to convey as "abuse" in order to prevent him getting his fair share of access if the mother resists. Has he ever shouted at her? Has he ever said she can't purchase something? I once had a case where a lawyer was trying to argue coercive control because eight years prior, the mother had a Facebook message we he had responded "absolutely not" to a link of puppies for sale. Increasingly judges see through this tactic, especially if she claims abuse in order to secure legal aid but it's still pretty dodgy. The best way to secure 50/50 is to try to either both leave the marital home or be the one to remain in the marital home and to make sure that his contact never falls below 50%

[BumpBundle]

Oh, also, keep a record of anywhere that she said he's a good father. Text messages, emails, any Father's Day cards...

[FishOnPillows]

In my experience the courts are fine with 50/50 if there are no safeguarding issues involved and both parents live near enough to each other to facilitate that.

If somebody decides 50/50 is not appropriate for whatever reason, then the court will make the decision based on the least disruption to the children - ie if one parent is still in the family home, they’ll likely be awarded main residency.

There’s not necessarily a need to go to court though, and you have to go through an attempt at mediation before you can even apply to the court (again, unless there are major safeguarding issues).

[LellyMcKelly]

My ex and I have roughly 50:50 care, agreed informally, but we have always gotten along very well. We live within a mile of each other and the kid’s school is in the middle. The kids are 14 and 11 now so often one will go and one will stay, and they move between the two houses depending on what they’re doing and what they feel like. They have a similar set up in both homes. This weekend for example, my DD has stayed with me all weekend as I was taking her to see friends fir separate socially distant meet ups. My DS stayed with my ex as he has a. Nintendo Switch!

[HellloBambinos]

Thanks all!

[WhenISnappedAndFarted]

My Dad got custody however my Mum was an alcoholic.

[PickUpAPickUpAPenguin]

As a pp said he needs to ignore his friend. For every good dad who didn't get what he hoped for in court, there will be one who got more than they probably should. Before I'm flamed I mean the ones who are abusive (but it can't be proved), take drugs etc

[Spillinteas]

Oh, also, keep a record of anywhere that she said he's a good father. Text messages, emails, any Father's Day cards

Wtf?

[Supersimkin2]

Scandinavia automatically gives both parents 50:50, and you have to produce very strong reasons to get out of your share.

The couples breakup rate is much lower. They don't have the single mum or Deadbeat Dad culture, either, or long term benefit reliance/lone parent poverty problems.

50:50 is the only system that works for adults there, not least as a deterrent.

[MattBerrysHair]

I think most divorcing couples agree without the need for court intervention regarding residency arrangements. 50/50 is very common these days and if that's what is best for the children then it's likely that the courts will agree if it gets that far.

[MattBerrysHair]

he has said if she does leave him he wants at least 50% custody

He’s asked me if I know any families where the Dad has got custody

This sounds like he is wanting to punish the mother for leaving him by separating their children from her. Is this the case?

Both great parents btw so no safety issues or anything.

If they are both great parents then the children won't benefit from not seeing them both equally.

[FenellaVelour]

Really he shouldn’t be automatically thinking of going to court. Court is a last resort for parents in conflict who can’t agree on anything. Even if they don’t initially agree, mediation is the way forward.

Children can do well with 50/50 splits if the parents communicate well and parent consistently. Would he consider the children remaining in the family home and the parents doing the moving between there and a second property?

Courts don’t like 50/50 in cases where there is high conflict as the children tend to end up caught in the middle. And 50/50 won’t work for some children who struggle with not having a single “base”. Ultimately they know their own children and should make decisions in their best interests. Going to court should not be even thought about unless they really can’t be adult enough to do this.

[TreeTopTim]

Rather than think about what he does now he should be thinking of what it will be like once they have separated.

How would the 50/50 work. Would it be dads for one week, mums for the next etc. Or split half the week each.
How far apart would they live? Would the kids still be able to see their friends, go to parties, groups, hobbies etc at both parents house. Some kids miss out on things like this because the parents live far apart or one parent refuses to partake in any of that stuff. However it's the kids who suffer.

Whatever is decided should be what is best for the children.

[Starcup]

Why do they have to go through the courts? Can’t they do it amicably between themselves?

Why get a judge (who doesn’t know the children) to decide exactly when they can spend time with each parent?

A judge would much prefer a couple to sort it between themselves than have to decide for them. So 3:4 one week, 4:3 the week after.

It often becomes apparent that the one wanting to be the ‘main carer’ is doing it for the financial gain which I find terrible!

[BadgerBadgerMushroom]

We ended up going to court but only because communication broke down and it was the only way we could have some semblance of normality for the kids. DP got residency and the kids mum got every other weekend. We were open to splitting holiday equally but the court advised against that and said DSS should get the choice as he got older. DSD aged out of the system and can come and go as she pleases which she's happy with.

[BlingLoving]

Really he shouldn’t be automatically thinking of going to court. Court is a last resort for parents in conflict who can’t agree on anything. Even if they don’t initially agree, mediation is the way forward.

To be fair, until I spent time on MN, I didn't know that you didn't have to go to court. I think there's a sort of assumption that the court decides this stuff. It's only when you start talking to people that you realise it's not standard.

OP, as with PPs it really is up to him and his STBexW to work it out. Hopefully, they can come up with a solution that works for both.

It's not quite the same but I know a couple whose children are, admittedly, older. She was always the main breadwinner and he tended to be more flexible with DC etc. She moved out of the family home to an apartment within walking distance. They still get on perfectly well and so they continue to parent more or less as normal, but with the DC mostly sleeping in the original home. The DC spend time with her at her apartment or she visits them and still takes on her share of responsibilities such as sporting and other events, cooking etc. Her ex and her are perfectly amicable, both have new relationships, but both still do "family" events like celebrating DC birthdays/school events etc.

Admittedly though, the DC are older teenagers so there isn't the same issues around school run, constant management of homework etc.

[msflibble]

I was talking about custody arrangements recently with a friend who is a single parent and she introduced a very intriguing idea - that the kids have a main home that they stay in, and both parents have a smaller flat each. The kids always stay in the main home, and the parents take turns to stay with them for a week.
Sounds expensive to me, but if your friend and his wife have disposable income it might be possible! Much less disruption for the children and therefore a higher likelihood of 50/50 custody.

I know it's unlikely, but I thought it was worth mentioning