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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shielding elderly parents when your kids return to school?

37 replies

Noconceptofnormal · 30/05/2020 20:41

Have 3dc under 5 and a husband who is working very long hours through the pandemic due to the nature of his job so therefore I don't really get a lot of help from him (he's not lazy or a crap dad, please just take my word that he can't do more).

Usually my parents (particularly my mum) are very hands on in helping with the grandkids. They are late 70s but both in good health, not overweight. At the beginning of the pandemic we started to shield them (even before lockdown), so they weren't in contact with us. Both households really were cut off, neither went out or saw anyone, all food shops online.

As lockdown progressed we thought it was pointless continuing to be separated as we both knew we didn't have the virus so they started to come over again and helped me with the children again which was very welcome. I'm not interested in any Coronanazi opinions on this as I was 100 percent sure, we couldn't have picked it up which is why we did it.

Now schools are reopening my eldest will be going to school and my toddler will be doing a couple of days of nursery (smaller feeder nursery to school).

So I'm just wondering whether we need to go back to separating households again. Cases have dropped a lot in our area so risk seems low but it's obviously still there.

My parents and husband both think the risk is very low and we should carry on as we are. I'm not sure,it is very tough for me without any help but I also feel wary of the risk which I know is low but we don't know whether will start rising again.

If anyone is in the same boat, what are you deciding to do with your grandparents if your kids are going back to school?

Yabu - it's fine, continue as you are
Yanbu - you should shield parents whilst your kids are at school.

OP posts:
DesignedForLife · 30/05/2020 20:43

Separate households or kids don’t return to school I’m afraid.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 30/05/2020 20:44

I feel like you should probably shield them, but then again for how long? You can’t do this forever.

We haven’t seen my folks the whole time. DS goes back to school on Weds so we’re having a quick dash to see them on Monday before he gets all the germs - not even necessarily corona but all the germs 🦠! 😂

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 30/05/2020 20:44

^^
Booked a day off work I should say as I am full time (as is exh)

isitfridayyet1 · 30/05/2020 20:50

Yanbu

middleager · 30/05/2020 20:55

Do you work?
Do you definitely 'need' them?
I think yanbu.

Duckchick · 30/05/2020 20:56

If you look at the independent Sage report, they calculate kids returning to school have a 4% chance of getting infected. A quick Google finds this article www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/2020/apr/22/people-in-their-60s-at-higher-coronavirus-risk-too-say-scientists which says the risk of dying for people in their 70s is about 8% if they catch it (don't know if there's better data out there). Are you happy with that level of risk?

Time2change2 · 30/05/2020 20:56

You need to shield them for a while longer IMO if they are back at school. How devestated would you be if one of your kids gave it to them and they knew if was a grand child because they hadn’t been anywhere else. I know I wouldn’t get over that even if they said they were fine with it.
I think cases will drop lots more in the next couple of months, reducing the risk further. If it were me I would asses it then

Hugglespuffed · 30/05/2020 21:01

I think you've done the YABU and YANBU the wrong way round so may not get an accurate result.

I would shield them. A small risk is a risk too much. How devastated would you be if they caught something from them. Count yourself lucky that you broke the rules so have seen them up to now. Most of us haven't seen family for 3 months now and it is tough.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 30/05/2020 21:06

Another option is that you could keep them off school I guess.

Or can you manage without your parents for this half term (as one is in school and one in nursery) and then isolate for the first week of the holidays and then re-join up.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 30/05/2020 21:10

@DesignedForLife

Separate households or kids don’t return to school I’m afraid.
We live with my parents. Some tricky decisions are going to have to happen here.
BubblesBuddy · 30/05/2020 21:10

What would Dominic Cummings do? Only joking. Quite frankly - ask your parents what they want. They are not on the 1.4 million shielding register I assume so see what they think. Just have a conversation and decide because it’s their life too.

Hibbetyhob · 30/05/2020 21:10

I would shield them.

We haven’t seen my parents and won’t now until the summer because of dc being back at school. It’s a small chance but still a chance and I couldn’t live with myself if they became ill because of us.

Also, surely things will be easier anyway with 2 of your dc at school / childcare?

ImFree2doasiwant · 30/05/2020 21:13

The kids don't have to go back to school do they? So I think I'd just not send them.

As an aside,is your DH working from home? If he's not then I think it's all irrelevant.

ooonicorn · 30/05/2020 21:14

Keeping mine off school so we can still see grandparents very occasionally. Hard work at home but would rather keep my mum safe and she'd miss the kids too much

RedskyAtnight · 30/05/2020 21:16

Do you actually need them to help you (e.g. you have a full time paid job or child with complex special needs) or does it just make your life easier? And won't your life be easier with the DC out at nursery/school anyway?

I'd personally suggest following the actual current guidelines and seeing your parents outside at 2m distance.

NoHardSell · 30/05/2020 21:17

It was a good call to mix when you did. Personally, I'd continue to mix for the next few weeks/months while levels are low and mainly in hospitals/carehomes on the assumption that by Sept Oct we will be starting all over again. But I'd leave it up to your parents of course - It's their risk to decide.

HeckyPeck · 30/05/2020 21:19

YABU to use the term Coronanazi. Glib Nazi comparisons are distasteful at best when you think of the atrocities they committed. Words are important. Using nazi when you mean busybody, annoying, stupid, arrogant etc etc devalues the word and what is behind it.

For your actual AIBU, from a PPs post 4% risk of children contracting coronavirus wouldn’t be too high a risk for me to pass on to my parents. It sounds like you can cope without them/with keeping the kids home so I would do either of those as I wouldn’t forgive myself if I did give it to them.

YouJustDoYou · 30/05/2020 21:23

YABU to use the term Coronanazi. Glib Nazi comparisons are distasteful at best when you think of the atrocities they committed. Words are important. Using nazi when you mean busybody, annoying, stupid, arrogant etc etc devalues the word and what is behind it

This.

mnistooaddictive · 30/05/2020 21:26

I haven’t seen my parents since lockdown began. We’re going to see them Monday and then won’t see them until August. Dd2 goes back to school Thursday and I’m a teacher returning 15th June. Once we’re back in circulation the risk is too high. I would never forgive myself if we passed on the virus to my parents. It just isn’t worth the risk.

Hugglespuffed · 30/05/2020 21:27

It just annoys me that you've deemed it OK to see your parents but the rest of us can't?

Epigram · 30/05/2020 21:28

I think you should discourage them, but your parents are the ones at risk so they should make the final decision.

NoHardSell · 30/05/2020 21:38

You can do what you want Hugglespuffed in exactly the same sense that the op can. Your choices are up to you.

Lifeisabeach09 · 30/05/2020 21:55

You (and your parents) have to weigh the risks and benefits for you all.
Your parents might favour the status quo in view of the risks of Covid because they want to spend time with the children and to help you.
It's a really difficult decision--one I had to weigh up also early on. I had to continue having my DM look after my DD whilst I work (in healthcare) because there wasn't any other choice. I was (and still am) well aware of risks involved.

underneaththeash · 30/05/2020 21:56

Well it’s obviously the case that certain groups are more at risk from COVID. They can decide for themselves though / you don’t need to chose for them.
We’ve not seen any older relatives As they’re all shielding and don’t live nearby, but my mum has decided she’d like to see me next weekend - do I’ll go down there. It’s her choice and not mine.

RedskyAtnight · 30/05/2020 21:57

your parents are the ones at risk so they should make the final decision.

It's not just about OP's parents though is it? If they catch the Covid-19 from their grandchildren, there's a knock on effect to the health system, doctors, nurses, people they come into contact with ..
Otherwise everyone who is young and healthy would just be ignoring the lockdown altogether.