To ask what make one become a likely bullying victim?

[AuntyLily]

I'm in my 40s and have been bullied in every workplace except one. I'm trying to work through these issues so what makes a person more susceptible to bullying in your opinion?

I think there is two factors sometimes the industry seems prone to bullying or hazing like nursing, care workers etc . Sometimes being quite, not local, short,tall or different in anyway will be picked up by some emotionally fucked person who incourages gang mentality. My bully worked with family who had senior positions and was friends with the business owners.

This happens when we don't stand up for ourselves enough. I have better boundaries now and it doesn't happen as often. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I let people walk over me because I thought it would make for a more peaceful life and I hate confrontation. It just made me feel powerless and sad instead. People can be awful. It's not your fault that people are shit, but I know that caring less what they thought of me definitely caused a shift to happen. It's like survival of the fittest with these people, and they see kindness and quietness as weakness.

I was bullied as an adult twice and each time it took someone else to intervene for me to acknowledge it. I was so ashamed and had no reason at all to feel that way. After some counselling I was able to clearly see that they were envious of my happiness and life. Sounds mad I know but true. The sad, miserable bastards that have done this to you will be fundamentally deficient in so many parts of their crappy lives the only way they can feel better is to try and make you feel worse. Lower than shark shit. Lift your chin up high and smile. And document every single thing they do and then destroy them 😉.

@gezzab33 has it covered I think.

I was brought up learning that I was always to be kind and helpful. If I could do something nice for another person then I should do it etc.

It's lovely in theory but doesn't factor in how many people are just nasty, grabby users so while I was never actually bullied I have been used and manipulated for my entire life.

I'm betting that you are lovely OP, we would probably be great friends and I would probably also be constantly telling you to stand your ground when you can.

I had one situation where the boss's PA wanted some personal work done. She asked me and I said I'd get to it if I had time.

A couple of hours later she's screaming at me in my office because I hadn't done it. Remember this was her personal shit, unrelated to our actual work.

She stormed out and I was right there after her, followed her to her office and got her told. I was shaking from adrenaline but my mouth was still going like a belt fed machine gun, it's like the "take no shit" me had totally taken over!

I don't recommend doing that at all, ever.... but by God it got me respected.

I still cannot believe that I did that tbh but I'm so glad that I did because I was a female in my twenties, working in a mostly male environment (Army) and had been viewed as just a skirt until I got all Rambo.

I suspect there is nothing in particular you are doing OP. You have probably just been unlucky.

It sounds quite “victim blaming” to say it, but if you let people walk over you then people will.

However I also think that some workplaces/careers are just toxic and there’s nothing you can do about it so it’s best just to leave.

I suspect more vulnerable people tend to be victims because the bullies feel they can get away with it.

It's harder to bully someone if they challenge back.

I don't think it's as simple as that.

I've know people bullied in one context when in another they're very popular. People who you would think they could never be bullied, have been in other situations. And the other way round; people who might look typical bullying victim material have never had an issue at all.

What it relies on is someone to start it and no one to call them out. It doesn't even need the bully to be popular or a leader. If no one calls them out on it, then it can go from a few snide comments through to bullying.
I would say anyone could be a victim in the wrong situation. And I suspect most people can be a party to bullying by keeping their head down.

I suspect more vulnerable people tend to be victims because the bullies feel they can get away with it.

It's harder to bully someone if they challenge back.

Yes it may be harder, but I've seen several times in that context where the bully then uses that to gain pity and claim that they're being bullied to turn opinion against the victim.

When I was a teenager and was being followed and goaded by a group of other kids I just got so furious I turned around and started walking towards them. They ran away. It's a technique that's worked well in general. Practice turning around and walking towards these arseholes not trying to run away or avoid. I also agree furious shouty outbursts go a long way on the right occasion. Get angry!

Yes it may be harder, but I've seen several times in that context where the bully then uses that to gain pity and claim that they're being bullied to turn opinion against the victim

I have seen this too, in real life and online. I think bullies are often jealous, in pain themselves and think that inflicting pain on others will make them feel better.
Often it’s kind people who get singled out or principled ones.

Bye standers are as bad as the bullies IMO.

Bullies really are cowards. I've seen bullies burst into tears when merely reasonably confronted. That's why standing up for yourself is so powerful. It doesn't take much to make them crumble.

It's often more about the perpetrator. Weak, insecure spiteful people in management positions often bully people who put their heads over the parapet and challenge them.

In an office it can be difficult to strike a balance between not wanting to be seen as unhelpful and obstructive and not wanting to be seen as a pushover.

Office bullies often are people who have been promoted beyond their actual capabilities.

If you are being bullied repeatedly then it is likely something about your behaviour. I'd guess it is not knowing how to be assertive. Failure to sweat the small stuff perhaps? Letting the little slights go. Letting yourself be put upon in small ways first.

Lack of confidence? Meekness/shyness etc may make someone appear an 'easy target'.

Then again I was bullied as a boisterous, confident teen because I didn't go with the status quo so it could also be that they're disruptive to that.

I was bullied by a friend for years and it took other people pointing it out to me to notice. I would never think of myself as the type of person to be bullied. I’m confident, loud, outspoken, not afraid to tell people to bugger off if I think they’re wrong.

This “friend” slowly chipped away at me over a period of a couple of years. It started with her starting pointless arguments on nights out, not talking to me for a couple of weeks at a time and then acting like nothing was wrong. It ended with her completely ruining a special birthday and I felt exhausted by our friendship. Others pointed out to me what was going on and I ended the friendship.

I don’t think it’s that any particular characteristics make someone a possible victim of bullying. It’s about the bully. What weakness do they possess that another person has etc...

I was bullied horrifically at university for the whole three years of my degree. The lead bully was one of the senior volunteers on the student welfare team so nobody believed me. I feel for you OP

It’s never the victims fault.

Shame on the posters saying the OP is to blame.

I'm seeing a nice lady that just wants to get on and enjoy her work, hopefully most of the posts will help her!

I seem to either get bullied if I don't stick up for myself or accused of bullying by the people who tried to bully me and couldn't if I stick up for myself. It seems to be a thin line I am no good at walking. But I do seem to attract bullying in all scenarios where they exist. Mostly I just ignore it now, and eventually they get bored. But I have never been able to be a bystander to others bullying, and sticking up for other people has often resulted in negative consequences for me. I won't stop being the person I am though. I would rather be bullied myself than complicit

Bullies in the work place often have a group of people and a pack mentality. They will chose victims who don't like trouble and who are quiet and more reserved than the rest of the group.

The bullies will plot and plan between themselves to victimize whoever they choose. And when they have made the victim weak mentally and emotionally they will move on to the next victim and do the same.

Unless you fight for your rights and beliefs that you know you are being bullied they will keep getting away with it.

One of my family who works in a hospital has been suspended on full pay while the bullies investigate a false claim. That has been made by them and right now she is powerless and has got to prove she has done nothing wrong.

As well as other issues that have gone on over a few months where she has been harassed and bullied at every opportunity.

She is now at a point of feeling anxiety that wouldn't be there had she not been bullied.

And to top it off the bullies have got what they set out to do which was have my family out the door based on a lie.

I suffered bullying by sexual assault as a teenager at school because I was a C/D cup by the time I was 13, so mpre developed than my peers. I was also clever and well spoken, which made me stand out, it was the combination I think. It wasn't until I was about 15 and lost my shit with the worst culprit and laid into him with a golfing umbrella (I hit him so hard and repeatedly I actually thought I'd broken his leg) that it stopped.

Being different in some way I think is the cause. Its unfortunate but the more average you are, the less chance of bullying.

I’m quite good at standing up to bullies and there are things you can do. Recently at work the bully took a dislike to a friend and she’d seen how I reacted, like you say stand your ground

You don’t have to stoop to their level, question them, ask what they mean, get them to explain and they tie themselves in knots.

Most bullies have no control over their mouths or anger - stand firm and let them burn themselves out, don’t fuel the fire!

When they’ve run out of steam it’s your turn to be calm and rational.