To ask what make one become a likely bullying victim?

[AuntyLily]

I'm in my 40s and have been bullied in every workplace except one. I'm trying to work through these issues so what makes a person more susceptible to bullying in your opinion?

This is quite long but includes quite perceptive observations about workplace mobbing and the mentality of bullies.

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You mention being scared of conflict. This can be a big source of failure to assert yourself and thus opening yourself to be mistreated more than the once.

I think of conflict as a major disagreement lasting for days that has no resolution, or a shouting/screaming/violent interaction. It is wise to avoid such conflicts unless essential.

I have known people who think of a conflict as another person feeling even slightly pissed off with them. This is a recipe for a life of martyr's misery

Try this though experiment. Someone wants you to do them a favour. Not life or death. It takes up your time or effort though. Like giving them a lift to something or rearranging plans. You could do it but really don't feel like it. The other person has a tendency to be more of a taker than a giver.

Test 1: can you imagine yourself saying "No, sorry, that doesn't work for me. Hope you work something out." Then you let them exit the conversation to go off and find alternatives. From you: no elaborate excuses, no saying yes, no offering other solutions, no keeping them in conversation for validation of no hard feelings. Can you even imagine such an ordinary interaction?

Test 2: you do (1). The person responds by saying "No worries, see you on Monday." Would you then forget about it, maybe asking on Monday what they did about that situation, or would you agonise for hours about saying no, analyse every message/silence from them, start overcompensating like mad?

Test 3: instead of saying no worries what if the person looked disappointed and said "Oh no, I was relying on you. I have already arranged for X. Woe woe is me. Please help me." Can you imagine yourself saying "Oh that's a shame. Oh well, I'm sure you'll think of something. Good luck!" Or would you capitulate immediately. Would you agonise about their feelings forever and a day? Would you feel like a cowbag? Or would you think "Cheeky mare taking me for granted like that and then having the cheek to tell me she's done it and then try to lay guilt on me. I'll have to keep an eye on favours for that cheeky cow."

None of that was conflict in my opinion. If you can't do those kinds of interactions then you are setting yourself up to be trampled upon. If so, go get some assertiveness training.

Are you nurturing your friendships at work. Bullies typically pick on those with few friends and a weak network. You can build yourself a protective shield by actively nurturing your network of work buddies. Make a strong web of connections, alliances, little favours and chats with lots of people. Networking has many many benefits. Bully-deflector is one of them.

In every workplace where I've witnessed bullying, it has been a case of that person being a doormat.

I know that's not fair - nobody deserves to be bullied, and it's always the bully's fault.

But a myth to think that it's due to a physical characteristic that makes them stand out. A bully might seize on something like that to hurt them, but it's not the main motivator.

So shutting it down early, yourself, stops a bully in their tracks. Allowing it to continue or escalate without doing anything about it, or allowing the bully to get other people onside by being an arse yourself, makes it worse IME.

Someone who is never taught assertiveness as it is seen as rude / bolshie. You can stand up for yourself and still be polite and kind.

I was always made to feel like I was in the wrong with my bullies. In fact they were wrong. If I could go back I'd wipe the floor with them. In fact all of them are exceptionally lucky we have never crossed paths since.

Being honest, kind and keen to do a good job seems to attract them in my experience.

That’s true, every bully that I have ever come across has been an exceptional liar and manipulator.

Some people seem to pick out a "Weak Spot " and will keep on and on till the person cracks .Is it to make them feel better ? do they get kicks out of it? Who knows? I think they are sad sad people as my friend says .

Two factors:

• being different - falling into one of the universally approved categories of having niche interests, being "ugly", or having poor social skills
• being meek, submissive, and caring about what people think

I've seen bullies try it on with the former group, but when the person has a strong personality, they find they can't bully them. Whereas even a reasonably conformist person in the latter group would be vulnerable because they react and respond in exactly the way the bully wants. Being both is a perfect storm.

I was one of the former in school - weirdo academic high performer. But not the latter by any means, so bullies backed off.

@Bojohair

Agreed. I ended up firing one woman I managed who bullied the boss's own friend, but somehow had him defending her (I fired her for gross misconduct, racism against a customer).

Sucker for a sob story, and she was careful about when she chose to pick on him.

While things about a person might make them a target (whether that is a lack of assertiveness or a physical difference) the only thing which actually makes you susceptible to bullying is meeting a bully.

I was bullied terribly at school and have been bullied in workplaces and by friends.
Sending sympathy.
I'm not bullied any more and while it's not the victims fault, I can give you a few tips:
1)Develop an air of cynicism. Open earnest enthusiasm is an easy target. That was the old me.

2)Keep your chin up and look people in the eye. This is important. I practise by catching peoples eyes while walking through a busy shopping centre and holding the gaze until they look away. Takes 2 seconds. Less sinister than it sounds !).
3) Try not to offer information on your life, especially negative. I used to do this all the time and I've stopped now.
4) You can still make friends but be more cautious at first. Be obviously and proudly cautious while still being friendly (head up, eye contact, smile, small talk). Usually in situations of bullying , you know nothing of their lives yet they know a lot about yours! Think about that. Try not to let that happen.
I was in my 40s before I realised that people keep things from other people.

5. Small talk about the weather and the business/ workplace in positive terms only and only positive elements of your life / weekend, said with large dose of UK humility. Try humble brags when your confidence improves. Eg how was your weekend? Awful! I'm having and extension done and there's dust every where.(meaning: I'm having expensive new kitchen extension) Or...my husbands new job means he's never there. (Meaning: My husband has new high paying job and we're richer than you). I don't do humble brags myself but I get by, now.

1. Don't cry, leave the workplace or complain to management. This only feeds (and delights them.)

If you're friendly, internally confident and reserved and curb your enthusiasm its far far less likely to happen in first place, in new environment. I don't think there's any way back with people who are already bullying you but I don't think that's what you asked?

1. Ask about them. Ask more questions in conversation.
2. Try sport? Said to boost confidence.

I've recently had one at work, it started over something absolutely ridiculous and she was vile to me from there on in- teenage like insults, trying to trick me into looking bad, turning others to make snidey comments, I don't believe they'd think I would speak up as I'm quite a chilled quiet person and the place is full of cliques (Including senior management) so it would be brushed off. I was in fact just collating evidence and eventually I buried the bitch

In every workplace where I've witnessed bullying, it has been a case of that person being a doormat.

I was bullied in school for standing up to the bullies when they were bullying someone else. Wasn't even a friend of mine, I just disagreed with what they were doing.

In work I was bullied after needing a week off on short notice at an inconvenient time because a close family member was extremely ill.

This is why lockdown is so great...i no longer have to put up with other people's tedious shit.
I am the same as you op and this thread has some great advice on it.
In the past have been too open which people exploit...not any more.

I work in a care home. I've had this happen to me and see it often towards others. When I first started I made an effort to fit in etc. But as time has gone on I've tended to keep to myself, after I've saw the backstabbing and drama. I still make an effort with people but I have changed since working there. I think it's if you are slightly different, have different opinions or are overly confident, or even just plain nice, people won't like you or take advantage of you. You have to fit in or your an outsider. I couldn't be bothered with it don't know what it is if it's the long hours or the environment. I eventually spoke up about what was going on and it made things ten times worse! with people who used to speak to me completely ignoring me. It's hard as half the staff have family or friends working there so if you upset one you have the rest to put up with. Its hard.

My personal experience is that your position at work and your looks also play a part. If someone considers you to be a nobody, they are more likely to be mean to you irrespective of your age. They would hesitate to do that to someone in a more senior role or someone who is popular on basis of their looks. You may not agree but this has been my personal experience with some men.

I think if you are bullied as a child it can seriously doubt your self esteem /confidence and somehow bullies can sense that weakness. The other thing is if you are different to them (it's not just children that behave this way) they use that against you. Try to remember most bullies are desperately sad people who only feel good by belittling others.
I'm sure you are a much better person than they are.

It's not as simple as standing up for yourself early on and setting boundaries. In another job a long time ago, I did that and ended up being categorised as difficult, unhelpful and unable to take a joke. Certain managers used that as an excuse to condone others treating me badly.

A job is like a relationship. There is only so far you should go in modifying your own behaviour to be successful in that environment. There comes a point when you have to say "fuck it" and get a new job or go the lonely route and completely ignore other people's shit so it washes over you but you have no companionship. If you keep having shit jobs, then like relationships, you need to start looking at your own behaviours more closely.

I have a friendly demeanour and am mild mannered. People seem to see that as weakness. Problem is, despite the soft demeanour I am very strong, know what I want and need and have a clear idea of what is fair or not.

I always get bullied. I assume people seem to think that if they kick me down enough I will back into a corner, cry and let them do as they please... I don’t, but probably I should as it is getting me to the point of huge stress and walking me into depression.

dp as bullied me for 28 years, the guy i was with before him use to beat me up all the time so he had done the ground work for dp.
we were together for about 6 monthe when he came at me with his fists, i cowered down and that was it , he knew he could do anything and i wouldnt answer back.
if i told you the stuff hes done over the years you would think i was a troll, no normal person would put up with what hes done.
a couple of ppl at work who i have confided in cant believe what ive put up with because im cofident and happy at work and im the first to call someone out if i think they are being mean to someone.
i just wish i had the courage to stand up to him im so so desparate to leave. im so bloody weak and pathetic
he doesnt hit me he doesnt need to , just the look does it
he will throw things at me or push me so not something i can call the police about
28 miserable years

sorry , i just needed to get that off my chest
i know your talking about bullying at work

If you look up the drama triangle that can show you where “victims” can go wrong and pull “persecutors” into play by a lack of ownership. If you find yourself continually in a victim role as an adult then that is worth a look.

@Redzebra10- you don't have to do this! I'm so sorry you're in this position.