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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel disappointed

44 replies

LockDownBirthdayblues · 30/05/2020 12:13

Yes I probably am and I know there's a school of thought on MN that if you get a lump of coal for your birthday you should be grateful.

It's my birthday in a few days, I'm not really big on things, I earn reasonably well and if I really want something I buy it.
I'm pretty sure that DH has bought me a handbag for my birthday (I took the delivery and the brand was all over the packaging), I don't want or need another handbag, the last one he bought me is still in the wardrobe with the tags on, he knows because he commented to DM about it. Today a bouquet of flowers arrived, they are nice enough and wouldn't have been cheap but are the last thing I would've chosen for myself. I've gotten around this in the past by saying please don't buy me anything let's just go out for the day instead but obviously lockdown has put a dampner on that.

I just feel that I have several options when this inevitably happens; smile, lie, use something I really don't want or like and therefore encourage them to spend more of their money in future on similar things labouring under the false impression that I liked the last one, or be honest and ask them to/I return it (have done this in the past and despite what people say they get upset and I get labelled as difficult), or say thank you and shove it in a cupboard (see above people notice when you do this).

It upsets me in two ways, I really don't like waste and genuinely would rather not see people spend money on things that I won't use, a card would be fine, and this is probably the emotional bit - it makes me feel like they don't know me, don't hear me and pay no interest to my likes etc.

DH in our early days was a very thoughtful gift giver, but as soon as he thinks something was a success that's it, that theme is repeated ad nauseum for a decade. It's also not just DH , but I probably excuse others more and feel like DH should know me better.

I want to be clear this is not about designer things etc, a friend a while ago sent me a second hand book she'd read and knew (correctly) that I would love, I was thrilled.

So AIBU to not want this?

YABU - you're a selfish spoilt brat be bloody grateful people even remember your birthday.

YANBU - I get where you're coming from why must people buy tat that's not wanted and just makes you feel awkward

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 30/05/2020 12:21

YANBU. He’s taking the easy route and putting zero thought into it.

Not only is it thoughtless and will make you feel undervalued it’s also wasteful if you won’t use it.

Whatifitallgoesright · 30/05/2020 13:31

I couldn't imagine my partner buying me a handbag. I find it difficult enough getting one I'm happy with - the size, the strap, the pocket number, colour, material, weight. I'm baffled a bloke would even consider it unless it's some crazy Birken type thing as an investment.

dontdisturbmenow · 30/05/2020 13:37

Yes and No. The problem with people 3ho can afford to get what they want is exactly that, they've already got everything. My OH says I'm impossible to buy for for this reason.

It was ok at first he did get me the few things I didn't have and wanted but has now run out of ideas and me too to some extent.

Original poster
LockDownBirthdayblues · 30/05/2020 13:42

Just had two deliveries from parents and PIL really lovely thoughtful things (I didn't open them early on purpose but one needed planting and the other refrigerating), so that's cheered me up no end. DH has also said I think my mum is better at picking presents for you than I am.... He's also broached the subject of the bag, said it's not my main birthday present and he 'took a punt' and if it's not what I like it's fine he'll send it back.

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 30/05/2020 13:43

Is it Hermes? Because that’s also a delivery company so it might not be a handbag.

Original poster
LockDownBirthdayblues · 30/05/2020 13:43

@Whatifitallgoesright exactly this! No definitely not a Birkin , not my style and definitely not our budget 😁

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 30/05/2020 13:44

Cross post. The lad tried. Good good. Hope you get something nice.

Original poster
LockDownBirthdayblues · 30/05/2020 13:45

@LouiseTrees no it's a clothing and accessories brand and I know he's not mad enough to buy me clothes!

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 30/05/2020 13:48

I think be honest op. He took a point and said he'd happy to send it. he. He might be untying but he it so...

Could you do something an amazon list if stuff you like (there's a way to add stuff from other websites as well as a note function so you could just write "a magnum of champagne" rather than linking to a particular one iyswim. Even if it's just little things you like but wouldn't necessarily bother getting, cds or books you could wait a few months for if it means you get what you like and gets to feel he got you something decent

Spied · 30/05/2020 13:49

I'd like to see your face if your DH just handed you a card...

I don't think anything he chose would be what you wanted tbh.
He probably dreads your BirthdayHmm

pumpkinbump · 30/05/2020 13:53

I find bouquets of flowers to be the biggest waste of money ever! 30 quid plus for a decent bunch, and as beautiful as they may be, it isn't long before they're heading for the bin. What a waste of money! And in the end, there is nothing to show for it.

Chamomileteaplease · 30/05/2020 13:53

well at least now you know you can send it back Smile. Let's hope the main present is better! If not, you may need a post birthday chat Smile.

Chandler12 · 30/05/2020 13:54

You’re not being unreasonable at all, I genuinely do believe “it’s the thought that counts” and as such I want thought! My partner and I earn reasonably good money but also hate waste so we budget gifts.

This meant more effort (at the start!) had to go into it. This started off things I really loved (was forever dropping my phone in the bath so received a waterproof Bluetooth radio, a picture made up of all the places we’ve travelled) to increasingly generic e.g. popular perfume I have never worn, bath bombs that make me itch.

So yes I know first world problems but a little effort goes a long way!

It’s maybe too late now but in the run up to xmas have a chat with him that you’d really love something personal to you. You can frame it in a way that makes it sound like you don’t want a lot of money spent so you’d appreciate more something that a bit of time goes into. I don’t like generalising but with some of the men I’ve been with certainly they need things clearly spelled out!

Original poster
LockDownBirthdayblues · 30/05/2020 13:58

I do have a Pinterest board called 'things I like' because he asked me to, I've been adding little bits and pieces to it for now than a year, he didn't look at it....
@Spied in years past he's been very thoughtful, more so when we were in a worse financial situation, I'm hoping he's realising now that more expensive doesn't equal better. When we were younger and really broke he made me a card (he's quite good at cartoon type sketches) and took me for a hike and a picnic somewhere that has significance for me (cost next to nothing), I was very happy so it's not the case that he can't do anything right at all.

OP posts:
Notthetoothfairy · 30/05/2020 14:05

I think you’ll need to be more specific with him in the run up to birthdays etc. There’s no point in having a surprise if it’s a bad one.

Waveysnail · 30/05/2020 14:13

I think bunch flowers are enough. I'd be happy with that

BlueJava · 30/05/2020 14:25

Why not tell your DH what you'd like? I do! There is no way he can read my mind and know which book I'd like, what play I'd like, or where I'd like to go, or what restaurant I'd like. (Pre-lockdown I'm talking obv). So I tell him. If he wants I'll send him a link too! I don't think it has to be a surprise to enjoy something. He does the same for me - actually this morning I said "If you want something for father's day please send links for some tech kit or something you'd like"

A82971151 · 30/05/2020 14:30

YANBU. I don’t expect anything from anyone. But if they want to buy something I wish they would ask what I would like first or a gift card. I know it’s the thought that counts but I’ve been bought gifts that no thought has gone into before.

My mums terrible.

She knows I suffer from eczema can’t really use much on my skin - she buys me smellies..

She knows I don’t really wear Jewellery and never sees me use any buy she bought a bracelet.

Amongst other things.

They end up in the cupboard, charity shop or donated to a raffle. I’d much rather have nothing at all than something going to waste.

My oh knows me well enough to make sure he asks what I want. One year I even just bought it myself 🤣 or gives me the money. He never knows what to buy me. The only time he spontaneously bought me something it was an iPad which was great at the time but we can’t afford gifts like that anymore 🤣

Pleasenodont · 30/05/2020 14:33

YANBU at all, it really is the thought that counts with presents and your DH either doesn’t really know you or just doesn’t care to put thought into the presents which is hurtful. I also agree re the waste, my MIL is terrible at gift giving and the majority of her gifts end up at the charity shop.

Elieza · 30/05/2020 14:42

I defo think you need to spell things out for some men because they don’t understand fashion, handbags or jewellery or other women things.

I used to give my dad a list of things from a local shop that id seen and liked, either for inspiration for his gift ideas or so he could buy one of them, depending what was in stock.

One year he bought me the whole list! I know dads are not the same as boyfriends/partners/husbands but it did seem to help. I’ve had expensive tat from boyfriends too. It ends up gathering dust. Shame.

Northernsoulgirl45 · 30/05/2020 15:01

I would have been happy with flowers tbh. I got absolutely nothing from dh and kids for my Birthday or anyone else for that matter.
I asked for one particular item but DH decided that this wasn't worth it.
I did end up buying a few little bits afterwards but not the same.
Dh however has aready spent £££ on early presents for himself.

dottiedodah · 30/05/2020 15:06

I dont think YABU at all TBH! Lots of men seem to "miss the mark" as it were . Many times a little thought goes such a long way . When out of Lockdown maybe have a trip out ,and see if you like anything ,then he can put it away for you. Nat Trust shops (when open) are great too . Maybe do a list on Amazon and he can pick something out?

NotIncandescentWithRage · 30/05/2020 15:09

It is my birthday in a few days also and my husband is getting me......... a lawnmower.

Would you like to swop?!?!

Grin
rosiejaune · 30/05/2020 15:27

YANBU. I have a list on Addwish. Then it's still a surprise what people get you, but it's something you'll like/need.

Holothane · 30/05/2020 15:27

I’m picking most of my bits this years little bits that I’ll enjoy and use. Northernsoulgirl45 do the same to him nothing and start buying stuff for yourself, when he says something and he will just say. Well you do this every time for me so this year we’ve swapped.