To feel disappointed

[LockDownBirthdayblues]

Yes I probably am and I know there's a school of thought on MN that if you get a lump of coal for your birthday you should be grateful.

It's my birthday in a few days, I'm not really big on things, I earn reasonably well and if I really want something I buy it.
I'm pretty sure that DH has bought me a handbag for my birthday (I took the delivery and the brand was all over the packaging), I don't want or need another handbag, the last one he bought me is still in the wardrobe with the tags on, he knows because he commented to DM about it. Today a bouquet of flowers arrived, they are nice enough and wouldn't have been cheap but are the last thing I would've chosen for myself. I've gotten around this in the past by saying please don't buy me anything let's just go out for the day instead but obviously lockdown has put a dampner on that.

I just feel that I have several options when this inevitably happens; smile, lie, use something I really don't want or like and therefore encourage them to spend more of their money in future on similar things labouring under the false impression that I liked the last one, or be honest and ask them to/I return it (have done this in the past and despite what people say they get upset and I get labelled as difficult), or say thank you and shove it in a cupboard (see above people notice when you do this).

It upsets me in two ways, I really don't like waste and genuinely would rather not see people spend money on things that I won't use, a card would be fine, and this is probably the emotional bit - it makes me feel like they don't know me, don't hear me and pay no interest to my likes etc.

DH in our early days was a very thoughtful gift giver, but as soon as he thinks something was a success that's it, that theme is repeated ad nauseum for a decade. It's also not just DH , but I probably excuse others more and feel like DH should know me better.

I want to be clear this is not about designer things etc, a friend a while ago sent me a second hand book she'd read and knew (correctly) that I would love, I was thrilled.

So AIBU to not want this?

YABU - you're a selfish spoilt brat be bloody grateful people even remember your birthday.

YANBU - I get where you're coming from why must people buy tat that's not wanted and just makes you feel awkward

Omg I completely understand this. Dh has got me a new iPad for my bday, 7 years in a row. I do not need a new iPad. I do not want a new iPad. I barely use my iPad and now I have 7 of them!

This year was my 40th and I’d been hinting for ages about some luxury cosmetics that I have been after for a while. They’re not even that expensive (cheaper than an iPad!) but more than I would spend on myself. I even told dc about them hoping her would get the hint. But no, guess what I got? A new bloody iPad. A full sized on this time as opposed to the mini I usually get. I tried not to be ungrateful but with lockdown and everything else going on, I just couldn’t fake a smile this time.

I ended up selling 3 of the iPads on eBay and went online shopping for my cosmetics!

DH and I have bought each other gifts in a decade (for birthdays or Christmas).

Anything great is going to cost too much (from our joint account). We went down the cheap and cheerful route for a bit but it irritated me so we decided on NO PRESENTS and it's much better like this.

Maybe he can cook you do and make you an afternoon tea or something (I'd prefer that).

Sorry that was meant to say HAVEN'T bought gifts for each other.

DH has a bit of form for this.

Vases: this went on for some years and I had to point out he’d bought me more vases than flowers. Over a lot of years we have managed to remedy that and I do have quite a good collection of vases.

Mulberry items: firstly a handbag, way before they got a stupid expensive as they are now. Then came a cosmetic bag, a purse, a belt a card holder. Words were had.

Jo Malone. Yes, I like a bit of JM but I cannot really feign that much delight at another diffuser, candle or room spray. My glee at seeing that pretty packaging has waned.

My friend caught on quickly to this quite common husbandly quirk and ensured her husband knows she likes diamonds. Even she had to call a stop to it when every single base had been covered.

OP, aim high and when you’ve had enough you have to be 100% clear.

YANBU OP. I hear where you're coming from. I long ago managed to get most of my presents as vouchers to somewhere I shop often Or that I want to shop in, or maybe a spa I really like. Or just ask me and I'll give you a good selection of things I really like. Otherwise I make a good fist of smiling and being grateful...

@NotIncandescentWithRage
It is my birthday in a few days also and my husband is getting me......... a lawnmower. I'm sure for HIS birthday he'd like .. a new washing machine? vacuum cleaner? Fridge freezer? It works both ways!

I think you need to be really honest with him, he would probably rather have some clearer direction so as long as it's done tactfully he will probably be glad!

He's not a mind reader.

Tell him what you want. Amazon wish list or other similar, for example.

You are ungrateful. It sounds like you’re in good company given some of the replies on here!!

Christmas she has.. On a pintrest board he didn't look at.

[quote Happynow001]@NotIncandescentWithRage
It is my birthday in a few days also and my husband is getting me......... a lawnmower. I'm sure for HIS birthday he'd like .. a new washing machine? vacuum cleaner? Fridge freezer? It works both ways! [/quote]
Some of the things he’s bought me the last few years you’d laugh at and think I was joking!!

Last year I got car mats

MoMagic that's a crazy amount of iPads! Will he do it again next birthday? Surely he's got the message now?

Tell him what you want. Me and DH always tell each other what we want and are therefore never disappointed! Even kids tell Santa what they want, so it shouldn't be too difficult for adults to do the same.

I should stress I only do this with DH, I wouldn't have the balls with anyone else, which is why I have drawers full of crap jewellery and Bayliss & Harding still in its boxes...

I think you have to be really blunt.
Write a list of the type of things you like or don't like. Its not much fun to have to do this but its worse suffering through completely unsuitable and unwanted presents every year.

I think we'd all like to think our OH 'gets' us. That they know us almost better than we know ourselves. So when you get something generic, or something that is so 'not us' that it's laughable, it's almost like a double disappointment. Because it proves beyond all doubt that they don't listen to us or understand us on a fundamental level.

My XP knew I liked owls. So every birthday I would get increasingly outlandish 'things with owls'. From tea towels to t shirts, ornaments, blankets, as long as it had an owl on it, it was fair game.

Yes, I liked owls. I also liked a lot of other stuff, and used to point it out to him. He 'nearly' bought me a pair of boots on a couple of occasions (I was with him and trying them on, he'd only have to offer to pay), but he didn't. Because he was obsessed with buying owl related stuff.

So yes, I understand, OP. It's not the gift itself, it's the not really 'getting' you.

I have a pile of weird stuff my Mam has bought me that's I'll never use. My poor bloody daughter will come acress it when I die and wonder if I used to shoplift.

What's even more annoying is that in the middle of this streak of ugly she got me a lovely pair of earrings, they went missing in a house move. Butt ugly racoon brooch, there's no getting rid of that.

@MoMagic You've got to stop hinting. It's not working!! 7 ipads?

Telling them exactly what you want is the only way, even if you have to send specific links via email so that it couldn't be easier. Ask for more than you'll obviously get then there is a bit of surprise.

I know this! I've just had my birthday and it worked on DH and DS's perfectly. Result!

Christmas and the Rellies is another story...

eeeurgh yessss my DH does this. £££ spa day, spa day, spa day. plus it's a voucher so he can pull it out of his arse on the literal morning of. he's thoughtless. i would rather he kept his cash and put some thought into it. i have told myself if he does it again I'm going to address it which I'm sure will go down like a cup of cold sick.

You know what's worse than them buying you something you don't want?

It's when you EXPRESSLY TELL THEM WHAT YOU WANT, make an Amazon list, point out stuff in magazines AND THEY STILL BUY YOU SOMETHING YOU DON'T WANT.

Because they don't fucking listen to a word you say. You might as well flap your mouth open and shut.