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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my son to visit my brother with my parents

26 replies

JJJJJ00000 · 28/05/2020 20:51

A bit of back story, will try to keep it short.
Since we were kids me and brother never really got on, this was mostly due to my mother having favourites and we all knew it. If we were both in the wrong id get the back hander while he would sit laughing. He could do no wrong in my mothers eyes.
Fast forward to getting older, we spoke and acknowledged eachother even took him for days out when I passed my driving test.
Since then he came out as gay, ive always said if he's happy I'm happy. When he met his now husband I said the same thing. Never said anything different. Met his husband just after they got married and he took an instant disliking to me. No reason why, we have asked but we haven't got anywhere with it.
So, since the marriage, my brother and his husband haven't spoke to me. About 5 years now. This has messed up family gatherings as all we get is.. if she's going we're not. Ive tried to offer the olive branch many times but with no success.

Today, following the news of we are allowed to meet up to 6 people in our gardens. Brother called mum and invited everyone over to their house next weekend. Mum, dad, sister and my son.
Mum asked me about it and I said no way. And she knows why for the reasons I've wrote here.
Am I being unreasonable for not allowing my child to go?

OP posts:
CocoR · 28/05/2020 20:53

YANBU.

You're not invited but your child is? Fuck him.

ArnoJambonsBike · 28/05/2020 20:53

Absolutely not unreasonable. I would be keeping your mother away from him too. She's capable of favouritism and knows your brother wont talk to you but still wants to put your little lad in the middle.

Klj29 · 28/05/2020 20:55

No, I don’t think so at all. I am no contact with my brother, and though my Mum has a strained relationship with him, he is golden balls in my Dad’s eyes. Several times he has asked to take my child to see him or to gatherings and I refuse. My child, my choice.

TitianaTitsling · 28/05/2020 20:58

Absolutely not! And for your mother to condone it is awful.

lockdowngandt · 28/05/2020 21:03

YANBU

Whiskeylover45 · 28/05/2020 21:03

How would is your son? Just to give us all perspective. But no, usually I wouldn't allow it

Windyatthebeach · 28/05/2020 21:05

Please don't offer up your ds to be a pawn in their fucking mind games...
Yanbu to stay away from all of them permanently op.

Bibijayne · 28/05/2020 21:11

Just no. That's a ridiculous request.

Does your mum know what the husband issue is?

Original poster
JJJJJ00000 · 28/05/2020 21:31

Thanks for the replies

My son is 6

OP posts:
DillyDilly · 28/05/2020 21:35

Maybe you’re brother didn’t invite your DS at all. Your Mum might just have said that so she could bring him. Politely say no.

Original poster
JJJJJ00000 · 29/05/2020 09:08

It was a resounding no! Not happening.

I've asked my mother if she knows the reason she says she doesn't but I'm not sure i believe her.

OP posts:
Wing1ngit · 29/05/2020 11:04

Of course your mum will know. Some parents play their kids off against eachother and try to keep them in their own boxes. I've seen it in my extended family and its very strange to someone looking in from outside. I guess its a control thing.

Really shit for you and I hope you can find out what the issue is one day.
And no, noone would be playing silly games with my son.

FizzyGreenWater · 29/05/2020 11:11

The fact that your mother even asked that would make me consider withdrawing my son and my whole family from close contact with her, tbh.

Sounds like she did plenty of damage growing up, and now you're adult, that dynamic is happily continued by her, but insidiously.

A good mum to you would be asking your brother what the hell was the matter. Sticking up for you.

A good mother would have told your brother and his H in no uncertain terms that they were well out of order with their nasty little invitation.

Beware of people who subtly undermine you with regard to your DC.

Major red flags here. So your mum would quite like to see a situation where she gets to take her lovely grandson to get to know her golden child and his H and draw him into 'their' little circle which is pretty much built on dismissing you, his mum?

Scale right back on that grandma role. She is toxic to your child for even thinking of going along with that.

As for your brother - fuck him.

FizzyGreenWater · 29/05/2020 11:14

And I'd say that to her. Make it about your son though, not you.

'To be honest I am really surprised and disappointed in you. A good grandmother would be really unhappy at taking my child along to give him the message that these people who hate your mum for no reason and have caused angst in your family are good and ok. That's pretty toxic. Makes me really think about how good you are for him. You played favourites with me and bro, be careful that the end point of that isn't you losing contact with your grandchild.'

lyralalala · 29/05/2020 11:16

No, I wouldn’t be encouraging a relationship between my child and someone who cut me out for no reason.

However given your mothers history I’d also be very war of her part in all of this

M0mmyneedswine · 29/05/2020 11:18

Has your brother met him? If he hasnt spoken to you in 5 years im assuming they have no relationship either so no need for him to go

ChaToilLeam · 29/05/2020 11:19

That is shit and YANBU. And I would also be wary of your mother. She created the situation with you and your brother, don’t give her the opportunity to mess with your son in the same way. I’d be keeping him clear of the lot of them.

vikingwife · 29/05/2020 11:23

Reading between the lines here - you mention repeatedly reaffirming to your brother that his gayness is ok by saying “if you’re happy I’m happy”. You mention saying it again when you met his new husband. Is there some reason the husband may think you don’t like your brother being gay?

Is it possible your mother has poisoned your bro & his husband in some way against you?

If he took an instant dislike to you, you must have some kind of idea why...there will be a reason. It sounds like you’ve rubbed him the wrong way if he instantly disliked you.

Because you mention being ok with the gay a few times am wondering if perhaps your “blessing” has bothered him? In that you’ve made too big of a deal that you’re ok with being gay so it feels fake, or that you mistakenly think you had a right to an opinion of his sexuality when you do not...

These are just guesses & can only go by what you’ve posted.

IncrediblySadToo · 29/05/2020 11:24

YANBU

Your Mother is BU

I question whether a relationship with your mother is in your or your DS's best interest

Nymeriastark1 · 29/05/2020 11:28

That's shit. Life's to short to put up with stuff like this. Concentrate on yourself, let them all use their spiteful energy on eachother. Don't bother exposing yourself or your son to it. Unfortunately other family members will just have to be collateral damage. But if they're happy to sit back and let favouritism and nastiness happen with no explanation then so be it I say. I sound harsh but I've had members of dp's family take a dislike to me for no reason. I don't see them. Refuse to acknowledge them anymore. Since doing that it's been drama free for me. So much easier for that way.

Nymeriastark1 · 29/05/2020 11:38

Sorry should of said Noether does dd. I don't want her exposed to the toxic environment. Dp agrees. It's an aunt actually as well, so similar to your situation.

Deelish75 · 29/05/2020 11:45

No I don't think your son should accompany your mum to his uncle's house.

I wouldn't be surprised if your mother is the source of your DB's husband's hatred towards you. I would be very wary of your mother and her relationship with your son - certainly wouldn't be allowing unsupervised access. The situation sounds toxic with your mother being the instigator - some people just enjoy causing shit for others.

DowntonCrabby · 29/05/2020 11:49

No way. If anyone, for whatever perceived reason they childishly won’t even discuss or acknowledge, doesn’t want a relationship with me, there’s zero chance they’d be allowed a relationship with my DC.

Fedhimtotigers · 29/05/2020 11:52

No I wouldn't.

But has your mother ever acknowledged or apologised to you for her abuse?
A lot of this situation now is solely her fault. But she still has access to your child. Will she abuse him?

Blondebakingmumma · 29/05/2020 12:15

NNNNNOOOOOO!

I’d suspect that your mother has put a wedge between you and your brother. I’d try to mend your relationship without your mother’s involvement. She sounds toxic. I’d be unlikely to give kids alone time with her either