To ask how you stopped caring what other people think

[user1471507295]

I find I spend a lot of my time thinking about decisions (big or small) based on what others will think - friends, family, even colleagues. It’s exhausting ! Has anyone got any tips on how to train your brain not to do this?

Start small.

Concentrate on YOU and your closed ones.

I am sure there are lots of self-help books about it, but you need to realise that 1) you are not as important to others as you think you are. I mean they don't care as much as you think they do, they have their own issues.
2) bitchy people are miserable, so any negative come from someone with issues. Happy people are not mean.
3) you will never make unanimity anyway.

Take a very small example: half the country has desperately been trying to paint their house in grey from top to bottom, because they think it's the right thing to do to fit in. The other half is laughing or allergic to grey.
Ignore both, go on pinterest and save what YOU like and are attracted to. Then paint your wall the way you like it. Even grey.

and repeat for everything.

At work, do you want to stay where you are, or do you want to earn double for the same hours? When you are promoted, 3/4 of your "friends" will be jealous and you will have to make unpopular decision. Because there's a business to run.

Same for everything. It is easier to live in a city as no one cares, than in a small village, but it's very possible to not care in either of them.

Negative opinion is either justified because you are ridiculous or hurting someone, or from jealous and bitter people.

Following for advice - I am exactly the same and it causes huge problems and anxiety for me.

Currently going to tribunal for my twins educational needs because I was too worried about upsetting people earlier in the process. Trying to learn from that!

Deleting social media works wonders.

Also so what if you did read all day? If that's what I did I would just say it as it is x

When I started dying my hair pink then tattoos, life until my 40s was hell so once I ditched my family married dh I was off and he backs me all the way.

I'm similar to you OP and had planned to try some therapy before lockdown put a stop that. I'm generally a happy person with a great life but very much overthink social interactions and end up worried about everything I say/do. I have a negative inner track playing on a loop and it feeds that.

It's funny what people worry about though. My father in law is constantly worried that others are judging them for having overgrown grass in the garden, dirt or scrapes on the car, not having a clean ironed shirt on, not wearing an expensive watch, a scar on his face that I don't think is at all noticeable etc etc. He is never worried about social interactions, insulting or hurting people, or coming across as stupid (my main fears). I'm painting him as a prick when he is not (completely) it's more just that from an outsider I think his concerns about grass are silly, he would think my concerns about a casual conversation are silly. It's all in each of our heads.

Thanks for all the replies - makes me feel better to know I’m not the only one who feels this way! Some good advice too, it’s the same advice I would give a friend who felt like this but it’s always harder to take your own advice isn’t it? I think I’m going to do some reading around this and try to take steps to change. Interesting that lots have said they gave less of a damn as they got older , I would say I’m the opposite ! I think as you get older the ‘expectations’ and expected life trajectory make it more difficult for me.

We are who we are for so many reasons, learning to trust yourself and have faith in your choices depends on factors in your early life and what you learned about the world. You seem to have your consideration of others’ feelings ‘gauge’ set too high, you’re thinking too much about consequences and it’s stopping you from living your life as you want.

I agree with pp’s who suggest finding out a bit more about yourself. Maybe look at methods of decision making so you understand the process? Look at times you’ve made good decisions and choices, find ways to improve your confidence.

I find ‘School of Life’ videos and articles useful.

www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/the-agonies-of-choice/

Age. Turning 40 changed me. Plus I barely use social media anymore.

Not dissimilar to blackcat I had a difficult time the first few years with DD and had post natal anxiety. I really hit rock bottom which was the incentive to me - I was too afraid to go out, thought people were following me, became obsessed with perfection etc etc - to say FUCK THIS SHIT. It’s all bollocks. Very little actually matters. I say “who cares” and “so what” alot these days. Just keep saying it internally. I started like that now I say it automatically!

I think age plays a part. That and the eventual realisation that worrying about what other people think and making decisions based on their perceptions, actually make you unhappy and ill. Once you favour your own mental and physical health over someone else’s perception of the situation - whether true or false - you start to care less what others think.

When you change job or better relocate or travel overseas, you realise how insignificant much of the worry actually is. Remember your 1st job? Do you actually care about the things that were worrying you then?

Just try to remember big picture.

Got too busy to be bothered.

@ProsperTheBear you’re absolutely right about things seeming insignificant afterwards. It just doesn’t stop them feeling like that at the time I suppose. That’s a good point to remember though

Hmm. I actually don't know the answer to this. It just..happened over time. I think getting older definitely helped. But there was not really a specific thing I did, or even event that triggered it.

Cared a lot in my teens and twenties. Having kids gave me confidence, and it just increased with age. I’m now in my Fuck-It-Fifties and it’s great.

Autism

DH spends all his time worrying what people think and he is baffled that I just potter through life not caring. I do my best not to be kind and likeable and I won't do anything purposefully hurtful to someone, but generally I don't give a flying fig what people think of me.

do my best TO BE KIND*

Honestly, I put it down to age and life experience.
I'm 38 and when I look back to 10-15 years ago, I absolutely cringe at some things I did and some of the attitudes I had. With a little wisdom and self confidence I find it easier to give much less of a fuck than before and it's so liberating.

I've realised the only people who actually matter are those in your circle. Your nearest and dearest. No one loves you more than your parents and no one has your back more than those who love you. I think that's why it's utterly pointless getting worked up about what others think.

As others have said, it comes with age (and I'm only 30!)

I think, for me, it has mostly been learning what I think is the right thing to do and cementing my morality. If I'm comfortable in my own conscience then it's really hard to care when others thing I've done wrong.

It sounds a bit wanky but reflection also helps - thinking back to things I did in the past that I wouldn't do now, and thinking through why I did them and how I would handle the situation differently today. It's also important to forgive yourself for past mistakes.

As others have said, age helps put things into perspective. You realise more fully that there are more important things than what other people may think (or even say). It becomes harder to ignore that life is short, so you spend less of it worrying about someone else's opinion. (Not to say that you stop caring completely. I haven't, yet, at least!)

As for advice on how to stop caring, I suggest reminding yourself that no-one not even someone you admire is perfect. I'm sure they've made poor choices or done things you wouldn't have approved of. Don't put other people on a pedestal. Why should you let their thoughts or judgements be of more value than your own?

Having a low opinion of people in general helps you not give a crap what they might think of you.

Age mainly, sorry not what you wanted to hear!

I’ve just started listening to The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck audio book which I’ve found quite enlightening so far.

I played: 'I am, I'm me' by Twisted sister and thought .....fuck 'em!

In all honesty, it came with age and took me longer than most people to achieve Got there in the end, though

I got older. I still care what people think but nowhere near as much as I used to when I was younger.

It's age I think. When you're closer to the grave than the cradle you mellow out; you realise that nothing really matters that much; you learn not to sweat the small stuff.

Honestly? I think you just need do take the plunge and make a decision based on what you want. Once you realise nobody notices or cares much about your decisions, it will get easier.

Age, like lots of others have already said. I've found being postmenopausal very liberating, the 'Fuck-It-Fifties' (love that phrase) as someone described it above. Doing my own thing is much easier now.