Wondering if I'll ever be able to have a relationship having four kids

[WhatwouldJudydo]

Feel on a bit of a downer, been single for a couple of years now split with father of kids. He's still with the other woman, married. I've had a few dates and a couple of short relationships but they seem to fizzle out when things start to get more serious (neither had met the kids) I think the thought of integrating into a 5 person household scared them - this has been the reason both times, it's too much to take on but surely they knew this from the start as I was honest about having four kids before we even met (online dating) I am wondering if the more they get to know me they realise that the kids dad isn't very responsible and so it mainly falls on me and they are worried to take this on. I am not asking for someone to financially hold us or be their dad, I guess I have questioned to myself though how things would work if for example another adult moved in. I am so used to doing things myself. I guess it's got me questioning really what I am looking for? I feel like am I destined to be alone forever? (And being alone doesn't scare me - I have great family and friends support and see them all regularly) but it would be nice to live with someone and have that closeness again. Should I just wait till they are older? They are 11 and under.

The number of children you have won't stop you finding someone

I think its harder, but not impossible and their ages and involvement of biological father in their lives are major factors.

Absolutely not 1 of my dc hated me bringing my dh into our home /their lives! My teen ds's have seen how a df should treat a ds. It has restored faith in them that they are worth more than their own df was prepared to leave them feeling ... We are all extremely close.

I never had that experience either, my mum met a man when she had 5 of us, they went on to have a child together, none of us ever hated him, even though him and my mum aren’t together anymore we still speak to him. I think some attitudes on here are bizarre, I wonder if the same people think the men who have kids should not date again until the kids are 18 or does it just apply to women?

I don’t think mothers shouldn’t date at all. I do think it’s immensely harder for mothers to date as a mother tends to take The primary role in a child’s care and routine.

When my dm dated she just chose very unsuitable men. Think married or a gangster! (!)... She had a period of time when she had gf's also. The women she dated were nice and I had no issues.
I don't wish she hadn't dated - just been better at choosing!

Growing up my best friends mum had 5 kids and a steady boyfriend that she’s still with now, so 15+ years I think? The way the did it was he didn’t want or desire any children and she didn’t want anymore either, they lived separately seeing each other on weekends and overnight in the week as the kids got older. Now all the kids have left home they still have separate houses but stay over with one another almost every night.

I thought it was weird growing up but now I’m older and have three kids of my own it sounds bliss I dint want to share my home with a bloke but I wouldn’t mind staying round his for sexy weekends!

I think she had it right tbh . .

"you brought these children into the world. Focus on them".

I'm sorry but what is this?! So because I have a normal active relationship with my wife and we go out and do things, that means I'm not "focusing" on my DC too surely..

For goodness sake. There are people just looking to give OP a little kicking here, "get back in your place for daring to want something for you".

Yes she chose to have DC, but that doesn't mean she has to shut down for 20 years!

And for the person who said "mothers shouldn't date"... wow. Just wow.

This is a difficult one,
If I'm being very honest, I'd tell my unmarried brother to run a mile if i thought he was getting serious with someone with 4 kids.
Having 4 biological kids is challenging, taking on 4 step kids is a huge emotional and financial commitment.
Hes keen to travel the world, work abroad etc. for a while, and I'd like him to find a partner who was keen to do those things too.
I'm equally sure though that there are plenty of men who wouldn't bat an eyelid at dating someone with lots of kids.

Wow a real mix of opinions - I am still youngish (30's) and I don't want to just be a mum, life is full on when I am doing everything for all four alone and I need some me time to stay sane. funny how some are saying not to date but yet it would be fine to be in a relationship with their dad? And no question on him starting a new relationship either? Seems a bit skewed to me.

Living apart is something I have considered but youngest is 2 so if it was something meaningful it would be a long time to be apart and I would want him to know the children if he was going to be in my life forever.

I totally get putting someone off, I think if my brother said the same I would be worried too and I have wondered if that was the sticking point with the most recent guy, I would like to think any family meeting me would see I'm a nice normal person, I have lots of good qualities and am genuine. I guess I've just been unlucky as what I thought was a forever turned out not to be and if you'd asked anyone 3 years ago no one would have though ex would have done what he did at all? Maybe I shouldn't of had children with ex? Things easier said in hindsight but sometimes things happen in life. I just know I don't want to spend the rest of it stuck in a routine and then not have my own life when the kids grown up. I can still be a good mum whilst having my own life, tbh I'm a bloody fantastic mum and the proof of that is my children who are delightful, easygoing and amazing kids (most of the time haha!!) they also have asked about me meeting someone , excited at the prospect, they love step mum and her kids also and it's gone pretty smoothly so I think they wouldn't struggle too much.

Oh forgot to say - as in travel etc - yes I probably couldn't relocate although if it would be for the kids benefit also I would seriously consider it but I can travel and holiday as a normal person can. I've had a few nice holidays since ex left with friends and family without the kids as they can stay with their dad (infact this is easier and one of the benefits of being separated)

My friend has four children, two of whom have a medical condition that needs daily treatment. She dated after she split with her husband, found Somone she clicked with and they are now married. He has children of his own but they didn't live with him. So it is possible, it's just finding the right person. My friends husband has changed her life for the better and she's really happy now. It's lovely to see the change in her.

Ignore the people who say “wait till the DC grow up”. The younger the DC are, the easier it is to “integrate” a new man into the family. I tried dating when mine were teens, impossible. Teenagers are stroppy! It’s a minefield. They are likely to hate the man, he will say they are not disciplined enough. It Isn’t just my experience, I saw it from a male friend who dated a woman with DC. It’s very difficult. Then what, wait till they’re all over 18? Can you guarantee all 4 would move out at age 18 and stay gone? DD lived out for a few years, back home at 26 due to a relationship breakdown. DS was at home until 28! Moved abroad but now back home due to COVID. I have not yet lived in my house alone. Trying to date with adult DC living here is just weird and uncomfortable for all of us. Men also freak out a bit that I have an adult son! They get intimidated that he might step in if we row or whatever (which ended up happening with my ex!). So now I’m done, it’s just all to difficult. I’m 50 and resigned to now being alone for ever. Don’t waste your youth sitting around indoors. Eligible single men in their late 40s onwards are very thin on the ground (Another reason I gave up!). If you want a relationship then go for it while you can still find a decent guy in your age group.

I wonder the same thing!!! I have three kids and pretty much been single since I left their dad nearly 4 years ago...whereas he is onto his third long term relationship and he's a right dickhead....I've had one short lived casual relationship but knew the thought of my kids scared him off

I have a family member who met someone when she was a single parent to 4 children under 10, they are still together 17 years later. Be took.them on as his own.
Sadly for me, my trying didnt work. I tried when the kids were small. And did have a couple of dates. But there was no real way I could advance beyond dating as I had to be home for the kids. Things like hotels etc were out of the question as I couldn't afford it.
12 years on the children are 11-18 and sadly things haven't really changed. I don't have the time or money to date. Yes I could manage the occasional night out. But I'd have to do that instead of seeing friends. Id loved to have met someone else as even though I have the children for company it is lonely.

I think dating really depends on how much support you have. If you have one weekend in two free, it's easier.
The single parents I know introduced the children quite early and I think that's really the only way you can do it.

Honestly, if I had four children aged 11 to 2 I wouldn’t worry about finding a keeper!

I’m not saying be celibate or anything but it’s a lot! I can imagine plenty of people who would think it was a bit much.

What’s wrong with casual dating for a while? I think it would be easier to find something long term when the kids are older.

OP
The kids have been oblivious to my dating life

This comment did stand out somewhat.

Sorry but no children are "oblivious" to their mum's dating life. Far from it. Especially when your youngest is 2.

They will know full well they are thought to be an inconvenience to your sex life and not your priority.

I only have one kid, she’s 9. I’m divorced. I have a boyfriend. We mostly see one another when DD is with her Dad (EOW and 1 night per week). My relationship does not interfere with being a good parent. My boyfriend and I have been together nearly a year and DD has met him as my “friend”. She likes him.

I’m rather horrified that half the people here think I should sit at home alone EOW instead of going out for the day with the new guy!

Swings and roundabouts and never say never. There are some anecdotes on here that should give you hope, you never know who might be round the corner.

I’d say taking dating a little more lightly, especially if it’s online. Don’t go into it expecting a relationship. Just have some fun and if a relationship grows out if that then great. I was single, after a long term relationship, in my early 30s and I found that dating had changed a lot - it seems more transactional now. In your twenties finding men to date was a lot easier, there would be more single men in your social circle, in your 30s less so.

DP has a child when I met him, only one though. Not sure what I would have thought of four but that’s because I wanted to find someone who wanted to have a child with me. We have one of our own now, plus DSD and our blended family seems to work. DP is not the resident parent and DSD is quite naturally easy going though. If you don’t want more kids then men who do want kids won’t be interested in you. There will be men who already have kids and those that don’t want their own who may be interested though. As others have said, even if you end up in a long term relationship, you don’t have to live with him - all sorts of family set ups work.

Well, I'm here because my mother managed it.

OK, she was knocking off somebody else's husband rather than finding a man of her own, but let's not split hairs about things

Oh, just a word of caution though. I sat next to a group of men at work (remember when we used to go into offices?) who were early 30s and actively online dating, so I overheard their conversations. They are all quite high earners and they said that single mothers were worth a fling but nothing more, as you don’t want to move in and end up financially responsible for someone else’s child/ren. So exercise a bit of caution if you don’t want to be just a fling.

That’s why I wouldn’t want a fwb situation which people always try to tell single mothers to do, “just date casual”like we aren’t worth having a relationship with and men end up thinking all single mums are just an easy target for sex. Not everyone is into causal dating I certainly couldn’t do it

Bil has just had a child with a woman with 4 other children.It can happen.

PumpkinP nobody bloody said single mothers aren’t worth relationships. 🙄

I'm on the fence too OP.

I am.a stepmum to 4 kids. (Not other woman before anyone pipes up) Youngest is 7, been together 5 years and married. DH very much hands on and we have 50/50 care with their mum. I have a good relationship with them and I care for them deeply.

His ex has had quite the string of partners, some of which have really not been great. I think she doesn't do well being single so will sort of jump in to any relationship head first that presents itself. I also work in high risk child protection so, yes, I do worry about some of their motives. I thought long and hard before getting serious with DH.

My view is coloured slightly as well as my mum had a string of men when my dad left, one of which had 2 kids of his own and they moved in with us. It was the absolute worst time of my entire life.

You absolutely have the right to a relationship and I hope.you find someone really special. Just be honest with them from the start and be patient.

@Gncq

This comment did stand out somewhat.

Sorry but no children are "oblivious" to their mum's dating life. Far from it. Especially when your youngest is 2.

They will know full well they are thought to be an inconvenience to your sex life and not your priority.

The kids are not an inconvenience to my sex life at all, what a horrid thing to say! They are always my priority. How do you think my children know about me dating? I go on dates when they are with their dad, perhaps once or twice my family have watched them but I have put them to bed still so it's never impacted my time with them. It's not like I'm bringing home a string of men, they haven't met anyone, if they were to meet someone it would be someone I would be pretty sure I would go the distance with, after we had been dating a good while and I would take it very slowly.