Grieving bf needs space

[mypinkmug]

My boyfriend of 4 months has lost a family member unexpectedly and tragically.
He is grieving heavily and not sleeping, crying and going through all the emotions.
The man is only dead three weeks and I cannot be with my bf due to lock down but we have been texting and talking regularly until he told me at the weekend that he needed space and time out on his own.
I am worried about him.It is not about me but I can't help but feel rejected.
?
It is a new relationship, started just before lockdown but it had great potential. I am
Worried that it is over now and feel guilty for feeling that way too.what doIndo? How long do I leave him be without contact?

The last message I sent to him was an acknowledgment of his text which said that he was needing time as he couldn't communicate with anyone at the moment. I have pulled totally away since that.thanks.

Honestly, OP, I'd leave him to get in touch with you when he's ready. A few years ago, I went through a horribly traumatic time, I didn't even have the energy to think of other people. If somebody even emailed me, it felt like I had a mountain to climb to even get the energy to reply. It was such a strange time and completely unexpected to feel that way.
Let him deal with his grief in his own way - as hard as that is for you (and I do know it will be hard to not get in touch).

It's not about you, it was a fledgling relationship and he can't take it forward now for obvious reasons. You'll need to move on.

Sudden grief OP, is very very complicated.

If the the relationship was a really good one, it may be straightforward shock, sadness, disbelief, grief on a loop for a couple of years.

If the relationship was complicated, then the grief can also be very very complicated.

Complicated by regret.

The knowledge that the relationship is over, can now never be fixed and that you are left with this powerlessness and grief, all tangled up with the whole theme of mortality.

Grief is just so complicated.

As long as he has not opened your message do NOT contact him.

When he does eventually open it, give him a further 4 or 5 days.

You are not being sfish at all.

You met someone you really liked and whom you felt you had connected with and were feeling happy with.
All lovely and new and exciting.

The thing is a great big bomb has been dropped on his life as he knew it.

Apologies if it sounds dramatic, but it can really feel like a bomb has been dropped and what's left is the wasteland of your life.

Grief can really change who you are and how you are for a long, long time.

Sorry this is happening to you too.

I very much appreciate the responses and advice.
I can't understand why I have such an overwhelming need to know how he is. Perhaps because hisnreationship with the deceased was complicated and I know how broken he is.
I know I can't do anything to change his current situation.
I will respect his wishes and not contact again.

Have you heard anything yet?

No I haven't but I have figured out that once he receives messages, he reads them and goes off line straight away , possibly in airplane mode , so at least he is getting good wishes and offers of support from his friends and family.
He clearly does not want to communicate with anybody right now as he uses the app for all his work and personal communication and has gone to ground.
I don't expect to hear from him and that makes me sad as I know what regret and remorse he feels. It must be a lonely place for him.

Not necessarily lonely OP just in a solo place he needs to be right now. For what it's worth I am the same as him, when I'm going through things I actually have to be left completely alone and not be bothered by anyone. Any attempts to try and make you "talk" if you're in a place like that is highly irritating. So you're definitely doing the right thing by letting him be. He knows you care. I hope he gets in touch with you soon so you feel better x

Hiya. Just to share my experience. I lost my dad suddenly 5 years ago. I was in a relationship that was just getting great. Going from strength to strength. He was coming out of his shell and i was refinding myself after an abusive relationship.
Whem dad died I shut down completely. Told my bf that I couldn't carry on with it.
He was respectful and gave me all the space I needed. We met up for the odd coffee, he waited. I pushed and pulled and generally wasn't a very nice person to be around. I was very inconsistent. He was absolutely a rock.
I had total emotional over load and just couldnt deal with anything more than the horrific grief.
Certainly couldnt worry about someone else worrying about me.
The fog did lift eventually. I was lucky that he stuck around.
He is without a doubt the love of my life and we now have a beautiful son.
Give him space, time, distance support. If you get through this then its a strengthener!

I hope so too but I'm not hopeful. Thanks for your words and response.

Thanks too @sadgrizzly . We are so new that I cannot see a way forward given that we are only together 4 months and he is so upset and bereft.
I'm not sure if I am strong enough to support the complexities of his situation but I would have certainly tried my best.

OP,
The thing is that however genuinely you mean your offer of grief, very often there are simply no words.

In my long marriage both my husband and I have suffered sudden deaths are we have barely spoken of them to each other or anyone else for several years.

We just didn't have the words.
There were simply no words.
We lived very much in our own heads in a daze for a long time, giving each other space.

It's an awful time.
There is no rushing it.
It's with you in its absolute rawness until it isn't.
That's a different amount of time for each person.

Take care of yourself.
It's very disappointing for you but it is what it is.

Thanks @billy1966 . I always appreciate your considered replies.
There's nothing left to say, only to wish him peace of mind and healing, in my own mind.

mypinkmug

Stop making this about you. He is grieving. You are not at the forefront of his mind. That isn't because he doesn't care, it's because he's grieving.

I know that and I accept that thanks.

Anything yet OP?

Had to nc for a different thread but he did text during this last week.Said he was in a bad place and hoped I wasn't insulted or hurt by his lack of contact. I text back to him wishing him well and reassured him that I wasn't hurt. Said I'll leave to him
To contact from then on.Haven't had contact since.

Well done OP, still very difficult for you but he just has to go through it. No avoiding it.

Raw sudden grief is just horrific.
Absolutely horrific.
It's like someone excavates your entirety.

Do not put your life on hold for him, he is in an awful place. Poor man.

More on and say a prayer for him.
You sound like a great woman👍
Wishing you well.

I just love when I see your name come up@billy1966 . You always make me feel
Better. I am possibly selfish but I'm absolutley mad about him . He is a very good man.
I won't meet anyone else. I'm
Not interested. He is special but I know the risk I'm taking. I'll wait and see , in time. It could be months but he is worth the patience even if i have to feign indifference for a while . I hope he will come through.. albeit six months/ a year . He is worth it.
His text was so lovely and genuine and heartfelt.he is special.

Did he ever come back OP?

Yes he did for a time. He was spectacularly angry and irritable with life and was not coping very well.He believed he was depressed and intended to see his Doctor.
I sent a message now and again typing that there was no pressure to reply. I'm
Not sure if he read them.He has not responded for a month.
I sent the last message two weeks ago.
I think that is adequate, as my support is not needed or wanted.