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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grieving bf needs space

71 replies

mypinkmug · 26/05/2020 15:30

My boyfriend of 4 months has lost a family member unexpectedly and tragically.
He is grieving heavily and not sleeping, crying and going through all the emotions.
The man is only dead three weeks and I cannot be with my bf due to lock down but we have been texting and talking regularly until he told me at the weekend that he needed space and time out on his own.
I am worried about him.It is not about me but I can't help but feel rejected.
?
It is a new relationship, started just before lockdown but it had great potential. I am
Worried that it is over now and feel guilty for feeling that way too.what doIndo? How long do I leave him be without contact?

OP posts:

Leaannb · 27/05/2020 20:25

@Floatyboat...Did you miss where he asked for space? That means he wants to be left alone. Not take long walks of play tennis. O P is being completely selfish and inconsiderate and making this all about her.

O P stop making g this about you and leave the man alone and give him space

Original poster

mypinkmug · 27/05/2020 20:26

Thanks. I know I am being self absorbed and I don't like that about myself. It has been days now from being together pre lockdown and talking together every day post lockdown. He has not opened my message days ago.im lost. Thanks. I'm
Scared he has climbed under a duvet and is in turmoil and also scared that he has forgotten us. I was a great source of support and he contacted me for the first week regularly but that's gone.

OP posts:

WaterOffADucksCrack · 27/05/2020 20:35

I'd be running a mile if I were him tbh. He's grieving and all you're worried about is if he's forgotten someone he's been with for 5 minutes! He hasn't opened your messages therefore he doesn't want to speak to you at the moment as he is grieving. Leave him alone. In the future it would be good to work on not being so self obsessed, it'll serve you well in future relationships.

redwinefine · 27/05/2020 20:40

If you asked a man to leave you alone and he was still pestering, that would be worrying. Just let the man have what he's asked for - his space - and stop thinking about yourself! He's told you what he's needs.

Original poster

mypinkmug · 27/05/2020 20:40

Thanks@WaterOffADucksCrack .

OP posts:

Original poster

mypinkmug · 27/05/2020 20:41

Thanks@redwinefine .

OP posts:

Nightbirdcackle · 27/05/2020 20:45

Give him space, your relationship will be better for it. He must know you're there for him if he does want to text you. When I lost a family member, space was what I wanted and needed and I wish I'd told my boyfriend at the time this.

Original poster

mypinkmug · 27/05/2020 20:47

Thanks@Nightbirdcackle . I feel
Like shit but I know you're right. I'm
Deeply ashamed of myself .

OP posts:

Ughmaybenot · 27/05/2020 20:48

The mans grieving, for goodness sake, stop talking about feeling rejected!! Give him the space he needs and has been self-aware enough to be able to ask you for.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 27/05/2020 20:54

OP you are entitled to feel like shit - if nothing else because you want to be there for him but you cant. It must be hard, you know you have to respect his wishes and you have done this.

Just give him a bit of time - hopefully he will soon feel able to get in touch.

Original poster

mypinkmug · 27/05/2020 20:55

Thanks @MrJollyLivesNextDoor

OP posts:

Nightbirdcackle · 27/05/2020 20:55

@mypinkmug ah sorry, please don't feel like shit, you don't need to be ashamed either. It's just hard to know what to do for the best when you're in that position. I was quite 'crowded' by my bf, though it doesn't sound like you're doing what he did (hardly ever letting me be on my own as he thought it was the right thing to do). You just need to be around for your BF in the background. It's a very difficult situation but just keep in mind, he's dealing with it his way, it's not a reflection on you at all.

Original poster

mypinkmug · 27/05/2020 20:56

Thanks @Ughmaybenot

OP posts:

Justgorgeous · 27/05/2020 20:56

Don’t be so hard on yourself OP, you clearly have a lot of feelings for this man and you obviously want to be there for him in this awful time. I would leave if now for a while and just be there when he gets in contact again which I’m sure he will.

Original poster

mypinkmug · 27/05/2020 20:57

Thanks @Nightbirdcackle . This is so new to me I don't know how to react.

OP posts:

Original poster

mypinkmug · 27/05/2020 20:58

Thanks@Justgorgeous I hope you're right. He is so full of self loathing and guilt and remorse right now. I am
A fixer and feel Redundant and excluded , as self absorbed as it is .

OP posts:

Ughmaybenot · 27/05/2020 21:00

Look, having read that back, I was a bit harsh, and I do feel for you. But I do also really appreciate the fact that he was reflective enough to realise he needs space and to ask you for it. I personally would probably text him maybe once a week or ten days or so, just say I was thinking of him, with no questions or any pressure for a response.

Original poster

mypinkmug · 27/05/2020 21:04

Thanks for responding again@Ughmaybenot but you're all right , I'm being self absorbed and thinking about myself too. I will let him go and if and if and when he is ready, he will come back. I too lost a family member overnight and all I wanted was my partner at that time so I'm trying to see it from the other side. Appreciated .

OP posts:

Nightbirdcackle · 27/05/2020 22:31

@mypinkmug

I'm sorry to hear you lost someone too. This shows that everybody is unique and has their own way of dealing with things. Just be there for him. I hope you'll both work it out, it's a really awful time

NotKeenOnSwede · 27/05/2020 22:37

I had someone like this, he was grieving and asked for some time alone. I understood because I too need to be alone when I'm upset. I sent a text after around 2/3 days just saying hi just to let you know I'm thinking of you, not expecting a reply yet but I'm here if you want to talk (definitely add the no need to reply as it will take any pressure off him and he won't be irritated by it). Anyway he did give a short thank you reply and it all went back to normal contact relatively quickly.

If he leaves it for a few days fine understandable, if he literally doesn't even bother texting you for say a month then I'd elbow it to be honest. It's a very hard time for him... but don't neglect your own needs forever.

MaxNormal · 27/05/2020 22:41

Remember that your feelings do still count here. Don't feel bad to walk away if this continues and he's not making you happy, and don't get in the dynamic of him treating you thoughtlessly because he's bereaved.
It's not a total free pass.

Original poster

mypinkmug · 27/05/2020 22:57

There is a thin line though isn't there

OP posts:

Original poster

mypinkmug · 27/05/2020 22:59

So what about three days then .. after absolutely no
Contact after full on contact previous to
That ?

OP posts:

Freddiefox · 27/05/2020 23:07

Op it must be difficult but he has asked you to leave him alone and he hasn’t opened your messages. Just leave him be. He will contact you when/if he’s ready.

NotKeenOnSwede · 28/05/2020 00:01

Oh, if you've already sent messages he hasn't read yet then I would not message him again. None of us can tell you how long OP only you know how much time you're prepared to give him. I suppose a lot of it is down to his attitude when he does get in touch with you

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