Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take my baby to see my Mum and Dad.

74 replies

Taxicus · 26/05/2020 10:05

What would you do?

My first baby arrived the first week of April, by mid March DH decided to tell work he wasn't coming in anymore, before the government announced.

We both stayed home and had our baby at home. We have been self isolating since. We have been on walks but live in a remote location (so over deserted fields.) We have not visited a healthcare center or set foot in a shop or gone anywhere or seen anyone. We disinfect and wash anything that comes in (food packets)

My Mum and Dad are shielding. My DH drives round to pick up our groceries every week that they leave in their garden for him to collect. They do online ordering for us as well as themselves.

My parents had "the letter" asking that they shield until 31st June. My DH has been told he will return to work the first week of June he works in a job that is very people facing.

AIBU to visit my Mum and Dad now and maybe stay as a combined household for a fortnight. My thinking is, we will not want to visit after DH returns to work due to risk to them. IF there IS a second wave, they may be asked to shield again and if that's the case I do not know when they will meet their grandaughter. Visiting now, logically poses the least risk rather than waiting. Nothing will change for us between now and June 30th.

I feel I've coped well the past two months but now my mental health is suffering.

OP posts:
savehalloween · 26/05/2020 12:30

That sounds like a sensible plan.

Snowbear20 · 26/05/2020 12:31

We are going to do the same for the same reasons

Original poster
Taxicus · 26/05/2020 14:59

In answer, she had her six week check remotely over the phone with the gp. We researched what they would cover and there wasn't anything that needed to be done face to face.

Vaccinations, we decided to delay as we thought the benefit to her to see Mum and Dad before DH returns to work outweighed the risk, (as she's not in contact with anyone.) The GP and healthvisitor were both in agreement and advising us to see them now if we can.

Anyway, it's all irrelevant. I have just spoken to my parents and they have elected not to see us now. I feel utterly broken. From the outside it must seem like there's more to it and that they don't want to see us, but I can honestly say isn't the case. It is literally that they want to follow the rules to the letter. Basically, they are worried what their neighbours will say.

They said they would be comfortable with us socially distancing in their garden but honestly, it's too hot for babies to be out in this.

I explained that this choice will likely mean they don't see their grandchild for many more months and they said they understand that if that is the reality it's just what they have to accept.

Basically, my baby is not going to know who her grandparents are is she. They will just be some unknown randoms we introduce her to next year that she'll have no attachment to.

I've coped well..but this past week has been hell. I spoke to my midwife this morning and she's offered to visit us to do the 8 week check because I am struggling with anxiety about my baby. I declined because we thought we'd be seeing my parents. I'm going to ring her and tell her to come now because I can't keep delaying healthcare if there's no willingness or intention to meet on their part. Which there isn't.

OP posts:
LividLaughLovely · 26/05/2020 15:08

So sorry to hear this. Perhaps give them time to think about it. Maybe even show them this thread.

Destroyedpeople · 26/05/2020 15:09

I am so sorry xx

MatildaTheCat · 26/05/2020 15:13

Do they live close enough to arrange any kind of meet up? It doesn’t have to be at the hottest part of the day. Either in their garden or at a neutral space. My friend went and had a picnic with her DD, DSIL and their baby who’s roughly the same age as yours.

I wouldn’t be surprised if they are currently discussing your call and trying to figure something out. I’m sorry you are so disappointed, it’s so hard.

CertainGecko · 26/05/2020 15:23

Can they come to yours? They can't care what your neighbours think, as that's your lookout and if their neighbours ask where they've been, they can make up some lie about someone being very ill (not covid) and needing caring for for a few days. That's if you're intending for them to stay over. Otherwise they could feign a medical appointment for themselves for a day trip.

Not that they should have to but they clearly do care what their neighbours will think.

singme · 26/05/2020 15:45

@Taxicus I’m in the same boat as you! But my parents are a 3 hour drive away and live with my grandad in his 90s. I’m desperate for them to meet DD (same age as yours). She’s had her six week check though and has vaccinations tomorrow. But I’m now worried that in a couple of weeks the risk will be higher due to lockdown being lifted.

I’m not sure what to do but not quite up to a long drive with baby yet (only been in the car with her to drive home from hospital!).

It’s so so difficult Sad

LST · 26/05/2020 15:51

Definitely would. My mum has been round to my house today while I have been working to give me some relief with the DC. She even did some garden work for me!

LST · 26/05/2020 15:56

Sorry.. cross posted. Sorry OP x

greenlynx · 26/05/2020 16:36

@Taxicus it might be more to it than they’ve told you. They could be more worried about the Coronavirus than you thought. Or something happened in the neighbourhood connected with the relatives visit. Also some grandparents are less serious about “baby stage”. They forgot all about it and not sure how to be involved, especially with their first grandchild.
But I do understand how upset you are. I’ve told my mum yesterday that we won’t come to them over summer holidays. They are not in UK and we visit only once a year in summer but it won’t be possible as they’re very much “behind” with Coronavirus. I was worried weeks how to tell her and she just said in response: Oh, it’s ok, I thought you won’t. And she said it nearly excitedly. I was lost completely. But DH pointed out to me about their and ours health issues and said that she’s probably was relieved that there won’t be any risks for anyone. But of course I wanted a bit less rational response.

Nachonacho · 26/05/2020 16:51

Absolutely Yes, I'm due next Week and will be allowing DM to visit Smile

mumof2exhausted · 26/05/2020 16:55

Yes of course. You are extremely low risk as both households have been shielding. I think some people have lost all common sense with the “rules”. I understand and respect the rationale behind social distancing and it’s all based on risk levels.

locked2020 · 26/05/2020 17:38

I would do it and keep baby in the shade if you feel comfortable.

happytoday73 · 26/05/2020 17:45

I can understand the concern as in shielding category... But I would have also met up at this stage. It does feel like safest time.

Perhaps ask them to have a chat about it with GP or specialist if any appointment calls are due.

Girlswithflowers · 26/05/2020 17:49

They need to get better grasp of the risks- which are minimal. Did the neighbours people are doing much worse!

Girlswithflowers · 26/05/2020 17:51

Sod the neighbours!

Oly4 · 26/05/2020 17:53

I can understand their concerns. Personally I’d be visiting them every day in their garden at a 2m distance. It’s not too hot for babies if you have shade/an umbrella. It wound do you good to see your parents and it would make them feel like they are keeping to the rules (which are important, most spread is between families)

Mulhollandmagoo · 26/05/2020 18:29

You could wait for a cooler day? Or around 5/6pm ish has cooled down a lot, definitely enough for a baby to be outside.

I'm sending you lots of love though, the first couple of months are hard and you've done it during such a scary time with minimal support, so please don't underestimate how amazing you are ❤️

Mulhollandmagoo · 26/05/2020 18:31

Also, if the neighbors are their biggest concern, could they not come to you?

Tessabelle1 · 26/05/2020 18:34

Absolutely go for it! This is the least risky time for all of you

Redglitter · 26/05/2020 18:35

Basically, my baby is not going to know who her grandparents are is she. They will just be some unknown randoms we introduce her to next year that she'll have no attachment to

Ofcourse she will. People live in different countries or a distance away from their grandchildren and still have a good relationship with them. Shell end up loving them. Could you video chat with them regularly that way shell get to know them and recognise them just in a different way

IncrediblySadToo · 26/05/2020 18:45

Basically, my baby is not going to know who her grandparents are is she. They will just be some unknown randoms we introduce her to next year that she'll have no attachment to

And within 5 minutes will be attached to, its teally not something to worry about.

At least your Parents are taking shielding seriously, so you've got a good chance of having them in your daughters future. Given they live so close, I don't understand why you can't do as they've asked and see them in the garden. You can go in the morning, in the evening you don't have to go in the hottest part of the day.

happytoday73 · 26/05/2020 18:46

Could you go and stay with them as soon as DH goes back to work?
I know it's hard on your husband but your parents might be happier with that

vanillandhoney · 26/05/2020 18:50

Basically, my baby is not going to know who her grandparents are is she. They will just be some unknown randoms we introduce her to next year that she'll have no attachment to.

I think you're overreacting a little here. Plenty of people live in different countries from their parents and grandparents and grandchildren only see each other once or twice a year if that. It's fine - they still have a bond.

I'm sorry you're upset though, but try not to take it personally. This is a very weird time for everyone and I imagine if you're especially vulnerable it must be quite scary Flowers