To fear that this lockdown will kill my daughter?

[reeceormeese]

Disclaimer, I know the lockdown was absolutely necessary to prevent deaths but this is breaking my heart and I just need to vent.

My DD is 17 and this situation has absolutely ruined her life. We moved 100 miles away before she started college and so she struggled socially to make new friends in college as they all knew each other from school etc. But she was just starting to make a few nice connections until all this started and unfortunately all the friendships were too new to survive the lockdown and she hasn’t heard from any of them. They’ll also all be going on to A-Levels now.

She was doing a GCSE full time resit course at the college as she had a traumatic Year 11 and didn’t complete them. I’m sure she’d have pulled it out of the bag at the actual exams but she believes based on the way they are going to calculate grades she’ll have failed English and Maths which has left her distraught and she’s saying she can’t go through it again, she wants to move on.

Did have a fledging romance with a lad but similar to the friendships, wasn’t solid enough to survive the lockdown and has now fizzled out.

She is absolutely distraught and comes to me crying because she says that most people her age are looking forward to it ending because they know they’ll have nights out, friends, plans etc and they are all going to have a whale of a time whereas nothing is going to change for her. She says she’s literally going to be sat on her arse until September because she has nobody to see and nothing to do. She’s seen people on Snapchat and in our area out on walks and reuniting with friends etc and it breaks her heart. She’s said the lockdown will lift for everybody else but nothing will change for her because she’s been forgotten about. She has nothing to come out of the lockdown to. And she’s right, I’ve tried to think of things to say to motivate her but she has fuck all to look forward to.

I could honestly fucking cry and I feel like the worst mother because I can’t help her. She has had the most awful, traumatic few years with her mental health and things were finally starting to look up but she’s now at her lowest ebb again because of all of this shit and it terrifies me. I’m just angry at the world. She already attempted suicide at 15 because she felt she had nothing to live for and she’s saying similar things now to what she was saying just before that. And that was without a lockdown going on. She can’t even get a fucking GP appointment not that they’d do anything. DD has said herself she was doing so well and feeling so happy and well in herself and now she’s worse than ever. I can’t fucking bare to see her like this. DH was crying in bed last night saying “It’s happening again”. I know the title may sound excessive but it’s honestly how it feels and I don’t know what to do to help her.

As true as some of these comments are, if she is depressed she won't see outside of the black hole she is in. I speak from experience.

The NHS are useless with mental health. If the gp won't do anything, call 111 or your local adult mental health team. Explain she is a suicide risk and they should see her as an emergency case for assessment. They should give her antidepressants then and there if they feel she needs it.

They will then offer her the nhs standard of cbt, but there is a waiting list. If you can afford it, a person centred counsellor may help but i understand the costs mean they can be out of some people's reach.

Finally she may find mental health forums helpful, sometimes writing about how you feel releases it. Plus you have that peer support. Needs monitoring though

It is amazing she is coming to you for help. This is horrendous for everyone but being there to listen and support her will be helping more than you realise.

DD having a very bad day today. Just up in her room in bed in and out of tears. Doesn’t help that we live in a very busy area and can hear lots of hustle and bustle outside.

Why can your daughter not text / call / email/ WhatsApp / carrier pigeon anyone? She has been studying with them since September I assume and lockdown didn't happen until March.

Must be so tough. Can she contact them? Maybe ask to go for a walk?

@reeceormeeseh my goodness my heart actually broke reading that. Poor girl and I feel so much for you and your husband.

I don’t have much to say but sending you big hugs.

Only thing that popped into my head is what about a pet? A puppy maybe just so she has something to concentrate on? Going out for walks etc. Literally just a random one but a dog can be so good for kids as well as people. My dog helped my child so much as she suffers emotionally and socially. A lot younger then your daughter mind.

Has your daughter tried messaging the new friends she had made before the lockdown, OP. I know you say it fizzled out, but is that because she stopped trying?

Your daughter sounds a lot like me at that age. My mum took me out of school in Year 11 (bullying) and I only went back to sit my exams (I taught myself the syllabuses from books). I was isolated at home but it was also necessary for me to have a bit of a reset.

What saved me was reading, baking and drawing. I basically read every £1 classic I could get my hands on in a year, all the Austens, Brontes, Dickens, Hardys etc etc. When I went back to do my A Levels my teachers were a bit freaked out that I'd read most of the books on the syllabus already.

I know not everybody is a reader. But could she cook? Paint? Walk a local dog?

This is heartbreaking and I totally understand. I was suicidal as a teen and didn’t have parental support. It sounds as though your DD has a great team in the form of you and her dad. Sadly not the peer group she understandably craves.
I was disgusted to read your GP says it’s “just low mood”. It’s not. Despair isn’t normal or ok. Find a new GP. in my experience the quality of care from a gp varies more for mental health than anything else.
It sounds like you’re doing a great job but you must be exhausted too. Please don’t neglect yourself while you care for her.
If you could share your area people here might know of a local group that may help?

Would she be up for any kind of exercise at all? I make my teenage dd go for a one hour walk with me every midday and the she is responsible for taking the dog out for 20-30 minutes before bed. It really helps with her mood. I realise that your daughter is in a worse mental state but exercising really does help. So does fresh air and change of scenery. Maybe the two of you can start a fitness challenge of some sorts. Running 5k, doing daily yoga in the garden or whatever takes your fancy.

I’m so sorry this has affected your DD in such a terrible way

In my town there is a big volunteer initiative to support those people left lonely due to Covid, young ones too. There are also lots of volunteer groups out there asking for people to help and that in turn means you’re part of a group and make friends along the way.

Is there anything in your area like this. Your DD could end up with a whole bunch of friends by volunteering and it would keep her busy and make her feel useful.

Please tell her it gets better.

Absolutely this.

OP, can you ask for a different GP? It's not okay for her to feel so depressed, and she at least needs someone who is willing to consider what avenues might help her. I know mental health provision is not great at the best of times, but I would try again and maybe also contact MIND.

www.mind.org.uk/

I was a very unhappy teenager/young person, for various reasons. I've a lifetime of recovering from anxiety and depression behind me. And while I have my moments, I've not been depressed in many, many years. And while I can't guarantee that any of the following will definitely help your daughter, they helped me, and may be worth a try:

1. Get her bloods checked. Ask about iron, and most especially B vitamins. These are depleted when we're stressed and I really, really feel it when I'm low in them, they contribute to low mood. I would recommend a good quality multivit anyway. Vitamin D, too - plenty sunshine, or a supplement.

1. Exercise. I know she won't probably feel like it but it's the most fabulous booster of mental health. Even just a wee walk, every day. Half an hour. She could try the couch to 5k, you could do it together.

1. Diet - it sounds too simple but it can really make a difference. Make sure she's not having too much caffeine/sugar/alcohol/junk food. Lots of fruit and veg.

1. Thinking habits. This is really key, and there are lots of ways to approach this. 'Feeling Good' by David Burns is an excellent guide to identifying the though t patterns that are making and keeping you depressed. It's simple to read and very clear. Mindfulness can help, but again, I would suggest a good qualified teacher would be best for this. The headspace app has free guided meditations and a sort of mini course in meditation.

A therapist or counsellor might be a good idea, too. There's also 'the work' by Katie Byron, that can help you interrogate stories and beliefs that we've become so accustomed to telling ourselves we barely even notice we're doing it. For example, it sounds just now like she's telling herself that everybody else is happy and contrasting it with her own situation, it might be worth questioning how she knows that is true? Everybody? Really happy, all the time? It's good to get curious about our thoughts - don't believe everything you think, as the saying goes.

Meanwhile, OP, I think it might help you both to read 'Feeling Good'. None of this makes you a bad mother, that's an unhelpful and untrue story you're telling yourself. You sound compassionate, supportive and caring. You're all lucky to have each other. All the best.

I do try and encourage her, tell her things will get better, “this time in a year this will all be over and your life will be brilliant” but I think she’s got it into her head that she’s just too exhausted to start over again trying to build a life after what she’s been through

Coming at this from the other angle, I was that teen and would have hated hearing that, in fact it would have encouraged me to believe the opposite even more strongly (what do adults know? they don't understand? sort of thing. I was such a drama queen back then!)

Trying to use reason on this doesn't work, in my personal experience. Giving her something else to do may help short term. Beware of on-line communities, it can be very hit and miss as to whether they're helpful and supportive or just encourage the negative stuff.

The GP either needs to help or refer to someone who can. You may need to get pushy. Politely, obviously. And perhaps ask to speak to a different GP than the usual one if they're not being helpful.

maybe you could suggest making plans for the future.
what does the future she wants look like?
what steps can she take to get there? Maths and english resits, volunteering, a part time job: there's plenty of things to look forward to, if she wants to seize the day. Now is the time for plans: a mood board is a good time killer, too x

If you are really worried about her then call 111 and ask them for help.

My daughter is also suffering, I have a post ongoing in the mental health section, and it has been a really tough few months. We have found 111 really helpful and at the worse we went to A&E and spent 2 nights in hospital. We have found the crisis team really helpful (still waiting for CAMHs).

We went private (which is not always an option as it is not cheap) and have been prescribed medication. Don’t be fobbed off by your gp, try to speak to another one - this is clearly not just low mood and she needs some support.

Just a small thing but I’ve read that sucking on an ice cube can help with panic attacks - apparently sucking on a lemons works too.
Might be something for your daughter to try. The science behind it is sound so worth a shot. Anything that might work is worth a try. X

she believes based on the way they are going to calculate grades

On top of what everyone else has said regarding the social and mental health, can I suggest you get in touch with the college and get answers about this? Do it privately if you can. If it's good news it will be one thing less she has to worry about, if not at least you will know the worst. In that case you can also find out ways of appealing the decisions, which are largely off-the-cuff after all.

Agree with contacting the college to see if they have any support available (they can also support your referral). They can also give advise about next year.

Please don’t ask them for grades - they can not tell you. It isn’t that they don’t want to but they aren’t allowed. The centre assessed grades might be altered anyway so you won’t have any further certainty.

In our county we have Healthy Minds via the nhs and you don’t need a GP referral. You just text them as it’s self referral.

College rang today and have stated that they’ll be doing video chat interviews for next years courses and they will be in touch to arrange hers, which has definitely cheered DD up as it’s given her some direction and has made her feel a little less despair about what grades she is going to get...it’s a start.

Thank you everyone for the advice and support

Of course she’s still struggling in many ways but hopefully I can keep her more focused on something now

Make sure you look after yourself as well, you can’t give from an empty cup!

Glad she has a bit more hope, do push your gp or speak to a different one.

Now is probably a good time to have a think about ways to improve mental health, OP. If you and/or she tend to depression/low mood, then look into ways to practise self care and 'good mental hygiene' when you're feeling a bit more on an even keel, it's easier than when you're in crisis.

All i really have to say here is:

Tell her IT GETS BETTER.

When I left school at 18, I didn't really have any friends. At all. Like your daughter, in 6th form briefly I had started making some shallow friendships, had a short lived boyfriend etc but it didn't last.

I went off to university and it was just a new start and I've never looked back. I made some great friends, my confidence shot through the roof, and met DH.

Maybe your daughter could look for a college course, work training program or apprenticeship program where there are lots of other new starters?

I moved during sixth form, I made ‘friends’ but not real friends I didn’t really fit with the group.

Like PP said It Gets Better!!!