To fear that this lockdown will kill my daughter?

[reeceormeese]

Disclaimer, I know the lockdown was absolutely necessary to prevent deaths but this is breaking my heart and I just need to vent.

My DD is 17 and this situation has absolutely ruined her life. We moved 100 miles away before she started college and so she struggled socially to make new friends in college as they all knew each other from school etc. But she was just starting to make a few nice connections until all this started and unfortunately all the friendships were too new to survive the lockdown and she hasn’t heard from any of them. They’ll also all be going on to A-Levels now.

She was doing a GCSE full time resit course at the college as she had a traumatic Year 11 and didn’t complete them. I’m sure she’d have pulled it out of the bag at the actual exams but she believes based on the way they are going to calculate grades she’ll have failed English and Maths which has left her distraught and she’s saying she can’t go through it again, she wants to move on.

Did have a fledging romance with a lad but similar to the friendships, wasn’t solid enough to survive the lockdown and has now fizzled out.

She is absolutely distraught and comes to me crying because she says that most people her age are looking forward to it ending because they know they’ll have nights out, friends, plans etc and they are all going to have a whale of a time whereas nothing is going to change for her. She says she’s literally going to be sat on her arse until September because she has nobody to see and nothing to do. She’s seen people on Snapchat and in our area out on walks and reuniting with friends etc and it breaks her heart. She’s said the lockdown will lift for everybody else but nothing will change for her because she’s been forgotten about. She has nothing to come out of the lockdown to. And she’s right, I’ve tried to think of things to say to motivate her but she has fuck all to look forward to.

I could honestly fucking cry and I feel like the worst mother because I can’t help her. She has had the most awful, traumatic few years with her mental health and things were finally starting to look up but she’s now at her lowest ebb again because of all of this shit and it terrifies me. I’m just angry at the world. She already attempted suicide at 15 because she felt she had nothing to live for and she’s saying similar things now to what she was saying just before that. And that was without a lockdown going on. She can’t even get a fucking GP appointment not that they’d do anything. DD has said herself she was doing so well and feeling so happy and well in herself and now she’s worse than ever. I can’t fucking bare to see her like this. DH was crying in bed last night saying “It’s happening again”. I know the title may sound excessive but it’s honestly how it feels and I don’t know what to do to help her.

I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago (minus pandemic of course) and started watching classic films with my DD. She loved some of the styles and music, so we shopped for some clothes in similar style and listened to my old vinyls. Gradually, she curated this love of cult films into her personal style. This gave her a huge self esteem boost, she was radiating confidence and made many new friends in year 13. She now has much more self security and almost unrecognisable from the withdrawn girl she was before.

Teenage years feel interminably difficult. You wish you could make others be their friend, but I found that instilling confidence was what worked for us. Best wishes.

But obviously press GP, the latter were just ideas for recuperation rather than mental health intervention, she needs a medical professional for that.

I do try and encourage her, tell her things will get better, “this time in a year this will all be over and your life will be brilliant” but I think she’s got it into her head that she’s just too exhausted to start over again trying to build a life after what she’s been through

Thank you for the suggestions to help her and give her something to do. One thing we’ve started doing when she becomes extremely worked up and has a panic attack is go for a drive, not necessarily with any destination as it helps her. She says that the scenery, vibration of the car and having the car radio on a low noise helps her calm down whereas staying in the house during one of the episodes makes her feel trapped and escalates it. So we do have those drives as an opportunity for her to clear her head.

Insist on a GP appointment. As shes now over 16 they will be able to consider some antidepressants as a last resort. Also fight for therapy.

She may be able to access some online therapy in the mean time, and if in england definately get on the waiting lists for healthy minds or any other local therapy charities now!

Is there stuff she can do online, like online groups for jewellery making, making soap, etc. They are nice practical activities with some degree of complexity to occupy her mind. She will also get a nice sense of achievement and can post pics up on line and get feedback/connected to others that way.

You can order jewellery making/soap/candle making stuff to deliver to home - lots of local groups I 'm sure on FB etc.

I know it might sound naff but crafty things like these attract girls who will chat and talk about their hobbies -- it gives them a way in.

The other thing to look for are any online book clubs which could be fun.

It is much easier to make friends when you have a hobby or something to talk about.

Online yoga - maybe there is a local young women's one she can do from her room.

Can you afford private therapy? Maybe even just a few sessions? Sounds like the last therapist was rubbish.

Are there any "my crisis" resources you can contact ? Apologies if that's no use I have no experience, failing that tell her to set up an account on here ... Explain its anonymous, that the majority of us are women who were once 17, tell her to write everything down about the way she's feeling ... Sometimes a kindness from a stranger makes all the difference and sometimes knowing people have everywhere you are and come through it can be freeing. Hope I'm not giving bad suggestions here xxx lots of luck op xxx

Does she like drawing? Art? Could you get her a copy of Photoshop and she can post her work on their portfolio site?

The reason I suggest these things are that they are not passive - they involve a degree of engagement that will take her mind off things but also give her an 'in' to many of the online communities.

She does have things to look forward to. She has her whole adult life to look forward to, for much of which this may well be a distant blip. Even if some mental health problems persist they will not inevitably hold her back. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect someone of 17 to have that perspective, but it is really important you do everything you can to highlight it, because it is true.

Don't take no for an answer from the GP, they are absolutely obliged to be still offering mental health support.

Make sure you tell your dd there is nothing 'wrong' with her, it's just bad luck that this came along with bad timing for her and she had known people for long. It could have happened to anyone. She will have the chance the again to meet new people. There is a lifetime of hope ahead. She just has to look after herself and cosset herself through this difficult patch, get mentally back on track. Everything else can be regained in due course. It's hard but please try to keep calm and positive for her, as I am sure you are doing.

I really feel for her, wish I could give her a big hug.

Hadn't known people, sorry

I think she’s got it into her head that she’s just too exhausted to start over again trying to build a life after what she’s been through

Make sure she knows it's normal for it to feel like that during depression but that it isn't reality. There can be a time when she will feel stronger, and even if she can't feel/believe that fully now she has to try and trust in it, hold out for it.

It might sound simplistic but can she get a job? It will get her out of the house to meet people, give her a sense of purpose etc. I know keeping busy doesn't fix depression but if it is just circumstantial then I would imagine changing her circumstances would help.

You need to push for her to get an appointment! Most if not all surgeries are open, even if only for phone consultations. How many doctors have you spoken to about this before? And how many times have you spoken to them about this? If you aren't happy with the response you get from a gp, you can definitely tell them 'No, I am not happy with that'. You can tell them that they need to do more! You can also ask to speak to a different doctor.

I really can't see any reason why she couldn't be prescribed antidepressants etc. It's normal (especially for a child) to try other things first, like therapy/counselling, but as this is an ongoing issue for her clearly other things aren't currently working.

It's really great that she's found being in the car helpful when she's having a panic attack, and that you and your husband are willing to do that for her. I'm wondering if it might help a little if she wasn't on social media as much? That way she wouldn't see as many things she is missing out on.

I'm so sorry that you're all going through this. It must be so difficult to see your daughter struggling so much, and it's obvious you both want to do anything to help. Perhaps involving her in things like cooking or baking. Going for an early morning walk (when her peers are less likely to be out). Does she have any hobbies, or into crafts? Definitely keep pushing to get an appointment, or more support! Also make sure to look after yourself too xx

I do try and encourage her, tell her things will get better, “this time in a year this will all be over and your life will be brilliant” but I think she’s got it into her head that she’s just too exhausted to start over again trying to build a life after what she’s been through

A few weeks ago I phoned the GP asking for help because I knew if I didn't I was probably going to do something stupid. I have a diagnosis of PTSD and I felt I was losing everything I'd fought for because of lockdown. I couldn't cope with the idea of starting from scratch again. I've had phone calls and video chats with my GP which helped a bit and medication to help me sleep. I was also offered a home visit or to be seen in person so absolutely they should see her.

Definitely agree with distractions, I've started painting again and journaling my work to see if it improves.

Do you have private healthcare through work? We only found out through this that dh's work package would provide therapy to me as well.

What about local facebook groups? As things unlock there might be jobs/volunteering opportunities for the summer.

Hope you don't mind me adding my two pence as you've had some excellent advice so far. Also this doesn't come from helping somebody else with similar issue but rather something that helps me when I feel as low as your daughter does.

Think about a celebrity who has battled similar feelings and come out the better for it. The one I normally focus on is Stephen Fry, he is a massive advocate for supporting people with MH issues as he has had such a battle with it over the years. Prince William and Kate, Prince Harry, there are many who speak out to support people with depression. I understand it is normally discouraged to compare yourself to others so please don't flame me - but for me, knowing that somebody has had similar struggles and still been successful and comfortable in their lives has always given me so much hope. You must be so scared for your DD and that is totally understandable. I hope maybe this helps too x

I joined mumsnet just to reply to this post, just because it resonated so much I wanted to chip in - Please tell your daughter she's at the beginning and it will be ok - I was that girl, a slow starter, slow to make those connections, slow to find my place. I can not emphasise how much she will be ok - it took me years to find my friends, so long to find the good ones that fit and got it. But it was worth the wait - now I have this amazing group - still smallish, but all a person could need. I did not find them until my nearly 30's though. Not fitting now is not a sign of being unlovable by any means. I acknowledge that at the time I feared I would never belong and never have good friends, but looking back, the friendships I envied weren't as loving and solid as I perceived them to be. I was so lonely for such a long time, but I found my people eventually and the bonds were all the stronger for being 'real' and based on genuine connection. It takes a little longer sometimes, but in my experience, it makes the friendships stronger. FWIW the friends I have now tick l those teenage boxes - they are "the cool kids" , the pretty girls, the enviable ones - but also decent fucking people. She will find them. She will be ok. She will be loved. And yes , I was odd, difficult (struggling with valid family and MH stuff) and a loner. Please tell her it gets better. Please tell her she will bloom in ways she never imagined, and look back on this as another step towards finding the best of friends, the ones that value her and have her back. It's just a fact of life that most people haven't found them at 17, and personally I have only one remaining friend from that period ( amazing girl tbf) and even then we re-found each other aged 30 something, once we had a bit of life under our belt.

My DD is in a very similar situation, she's been under CAMHS for 2 years that has been pointless, she did have some initial success with fluoxetine. Some of the answers on here are supportive but some are the reason why we never talk about her MH issues (all that stuff saying talk about it ) - its impossible to understand if you are not in the middle of it.

I do think medication is the way forward to give her that bridge and get back to school whenever that might be. Or work if that's what would suit her, or even some time out. My DD missed year 11 and now there is no more year 12, who knows what's next. Have you ever used the Young Minds' parents helpline? I've found that very good - ask them about getting your GP to listen and what the alternatives are:

youngminds.org.uk

GP refuses to even consider meds for her and insists she just has low mood

Get a different GP, ring around and be annoying till you get an appointment.
Meds should help her brain settle down while she works through all the shit

Would it be possible in a few weeks to take a trip back to your old town so she can meet up with her friends there?

**
Today 00:18rubabayaga

I joined mumsnet just to reply to this post, just because it resonated so much I wanted to chip in - Please tell your daughter she's at the beginning and it will be ok - I was that girl, a slow starter, slow to make those connections, slow to find my place. I can not emphasise how much she will be ok - it took me years to find my friends, so long to find the good ones that fit and got it. But it was worth the wait - now I have this amazing group - still smallish, but all a person could need. I did not find them until my nearly 30's though. Not fitting now is not a sign of being unlovable by any means. I acknowledge that at the time I feared I would never belong and never have good friends, but looking back, the friendships I envied weren't as loving and solid as I perceived them to be. I was so lonely for such a long time, but I found my people eventually and the bonds were all the stronger for being 'real' and based on genuine connection. It takes a little longer sometimes, but in my experience, it makes the friendships stronger. FWIW the friends I have now tick l those teenage boxes - they are "the cool kids" , the pretty girls, the enviable ones - but also decent fucking people. She will find them. She will be ok. She will be loved. And yes , I was odd, difficult (struggling with valid family and MH stuff) and a loner. Please tell her it gets better. Please tell her she will bloom in ways she never imagined, and look back on this as another step towards finding the best of friends, the ones that value her and have her back. It's just a fact of life that most people haven't found them at 17, and personally I have only one remaining friend from that period ( amazing girl tbf) and even then we re-found each other aged 30 something, once we had a bit of life under our belt**

I think you should show dd this xx

I joined mumsnet just to reply to this post, just because it resonated so much I wanted to chip in - Please tell your daughter she's at the beginning and it will be ok - I was that girl, a slow starter, slow to make those connections, slow to find my place. I can not emphasise how much she will be ok - it took me years to find my friends, so long to find the good ones that fit and got it. But it was worth the wait - now I have this amazing group - still smallish, but all a person could need. I did not find them until my nearly 30's though. Not fitting now is not a sign of being unlovable by any means. I acknowledge that at the time I feared I would never belong and never have good friends, but looking back, the friendships I envied weren't as loving and solid as I perceived them to be. I was so lonely for such a long time, but I found my people eventually and the bonds were all the stronger for being 'real' and based on genuine connection. It takes a little longer sometimes, but in my experience, it makes the friendships stronger. FWIW the friends I have now tick l those teenage boxes - they are "the cool kids" , the pretty girls, the enviable ones - but also decent fucking people. She will find them. She will be ok. She will be loved. And yes , I was odd, difficult (struggling with valid family and MH stuff) and a loner. Please tell her it gets better. Please tell her she will bloom in ways she never imagined, and look back on this as another step towards finding the best of friends, the ones that value her and have her back. It's just a fact of life that most people haven't found them at 17, and personally I have only one remaining friend from that period ( amazing girl tbf) and even then we re-found each other aged 30 something, once we had a bit of life under our belt**

^This^ please show your DD this a thousand times over.

I’m also sending so much love to you and your DD

@rubabayaga what a fabulous post, articulate, kind, meaningful and well thought out most importantly .. helpful ... Thankyou for for your insight but also for baring a little of yourself in order to help others x the true spirit of (what I choose to believe Mumsnet to be)

Very sad for her, it's a very difficult time.
I hope you can get her in to see the GP.

Is there any chance you can redirect her thoughts to maybe taking the exams later? And doing extra work for them now, if she's so certain that she's not going to get the grades she should have, then working extra now and taking them at the next opportunity should improve her outcomes.

I realise you're dealing with a depressed hormonal not-quite-adult who still has enough of the teenage brain to be less-than-rational a lot of the time - but, if you haven't already tried that, it's got to be worth a go.

Hopefully when things open up more she'll be able to see people and find that they haven't forgotten her after all.

If it is any help to your dd the “friends” who she meets at 17 she will mostly lose touch with as people go their separate ways at 18.

Life at 17 is very different to life at 18/20/30/40 etc

I would be trying to get her to see the bigger picture.

I also think getting a job until September is a good idea.
She would be earning money which she could put towards taking driving lessons, saving for a car or going on holiday next summer.

Think about it that she hasn’t got any friends right now. It doesn’t mean she won’t in the future

At 17 I had left school. Did a few jobs. The people I knew some went on to do A levels others had left to go to work F/t we had all split up going in different directions.
I don’t think I had a single person I could say was a friend. It was a very weird time.
Then I met another girl when we were forced together to do baby sitting for a group of mum friends
She was great and we would go out a few times per week. Then when I was still 17 I met Dp and by Christmas had moved in with him.

Life changes in an instant. If you get out and take any opportunity even if it is just doing Bar work or stacking shelves or working behind a shop counter. You never know who you will meet or how chance meetings can shape your life.