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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So I need some advice

39 replies

Heartonsleeve23 · 25/05/2020 22:45

Me and my partner just aren’t really getting along. Lockdown is intensifying things, but I’ve realised we’re not really compatible.
We have a 2 year old.
Now my issue comes in that if we decide not to be together anymore, I would want to move back to my hometown. I currently live 200 miles away from my family/parents and close friends.
I moved up here 5 years ago. His parents live here and he grew up around here.

If I was to leave him, I’d move back to my hometown as I don’t really have any ties here, apart from him and my in laws. I do have a couple of friends here, but nothing else. I don’t even have a job as I gave that up when I had my son.

The problem is that he’d be devastated. He is a fantastic dad to our son, despite us not getting on, he does so much for him. They have a lovely relationship and he absolutely adores him. Even me saying I was going to go down to stay with my parents for a week and take DS with us, my partner was really upset, as he said he’d miss him too much.
I know that if I did move 200 miles away, he would hardly ever be able to see his son in that case, let alone bring him up, alongside me.
I know that would ruin him.

I just don’t know what to do. Can anyone help? I feel like I’m trapped 😢

OP posts:

NuffSaidSam · 25/05/2020 22:53

It's not about you or DP really, it's about your son, who you don't seem to even have considered.

Should you take him away from his father and deny him a second involved parent. No, absolutely not. That's an awful thing to do.

Would DP consider moving nearer to your parents?

Original poster

Heartonsleeve23 · 25/05/2020 22:55

@nuffsaidsam I know, that’s also the issue as part of it, separating them.

Possibly, but he has all his ties here, his parents, some of his extended family and his friends. Plus his job.

OP posts:

Original poster

Heartonsleeve23 · 25/05/2020 22:56

Apart from his son of course! (If we were to move)
I just don’t know what to do

OP posts:

NuffSaidSam · 25/05/2020 23:00

You can leave your DP.

You can try and negotiate a move nearer to your parents, but you can't just take DS away from his dad.

Your DP can take you to court to stop that. You don't have the right to take the child away just because you feel like it, just like DP couldn't take him away from you.

Sn0tnose · 25/05/2020 23:00

How would contact be facilitated? Would he be able to travel to you to collect your son and drop off? Would you be willing to meet him halfway to do handovers?

TitianaTitsling · 25/05/2020 23:05

If op moves and if the dp consents to the dc moving, does op not then have to facilitate the travelling? Your life will obviously benefit from moving, but how will your DC's?

Original poster

Heartonsleeve23 · 25/05/2020 23:10

I know it sounds like I’m being heartless, but I think about it 24/7 because I don’t want to hurt my DP or my DS. I feel stuck.
It’s such a predicament. I already have mental health problems, so this is just exacerbating them further.
He has a history depression and suicidal thoughts too, which is one reason why I’m so worried about his reaction if we did leave.

OP posts:

user1635482648 · 25/05/2020 23:14

Sounds a bit dysfunctional.

Even me saying I was going to go down to stay with my parents for a week and take DS with us, my partner was really upset, as he said he’d miss him too much.

Did you go? Or did he succeed in manipulating you out of seeing your parents and them their grandchild?

MeninSuits · 25/05/2020 23:15

If you move and he gets 50% custody you may be required to bring your child for each visit. That is a massive commitment and not great for a child.

Maybe consider leaving the child with him and you moving out?

Original poster

Heartonsleeve23 · 25/05/2020 23:17

@user I did still go, he was just upset at the thought of not seeing him for a week.
They are very very close. He’s probably closer to his dad than me I think. I had bad PND and I really struggled early on.

OP posts:

Sn0tnose · 25/05/2020 23:21

I’m not sure that you’re thinking about the practicalities of moving so far away. I know that you don’t want to be there and that you feel stuck, but even if he gives you his blessing to move and doesn’t tie you up in a lengthy custody battle, how will spending his life going up and down a motorway benefit your son? What happens when he starts school? Are you prepared for him to spend half of his time 200 miles away from you?

Ultimately, does your need to be around your family support network outweigh your son’s need to have a close relationship with his mother and his father?

walkingchuckydoll · 25/05/2020 23:24

Maybe consider leaving the child with him and you moving out?

This isn't a bad idea. The child has equal rights to both it's parents, so if you feel that it would be fair to see one parent only in the weekends with a long commute then you can be that parent. Maybe that would be easier on your child and partner.

TitianaTitsling · 25/05/2020 23:27

Would you be moving in with your family and looking at going back to work? Have you spoken to your family about it to check the support would be there?

MerlinMoo · 25/05/2020 23:31

You moving so far away is not practical. Will you partner be having your child half of the time? As it is you moving are you going to be able to do drop offs/collections? You know he has a say just as much as you do. How would you feel if he told you he was moving 200 miles away with him (if you can then he can). It wouldn't be fair would it.

IPityThePontipines · 25/05/2020 23:33

You can move out, but you need to stay near your child's dad. It's that simple really.

Boulshired · 25/05/2020 23:34

The courts prefer shared custody rather than sole, the decision may be taken out of your hands on how much he sees of his son. It can be brutal on the child having these arrangements. Holidays and weekends spent 200 miles away from his new friends. You need to prepare that it might not go all your own way. As much as he will not see his DS you will also have times without him. As you are moving you may also have to plan how you are going to get him from A to B. Remember that what you and your DP agree now can quickly turn sour.

MerlinMoo · 25/05/2020 23:35

I agree to think about leaving your son with your partner if you are adamant about moving so far away. Then you can visit as often as you can.

Mummyshark2019 · 25/05/2020 23:39

You'd have to stay near eachother OP. Either he moves up closer to where your parents are or you stay put. It's not fair on your child of not.

Ponoka7 · 25/05/2020 23:43

You're going to give your child separation anxiety and if enough contact can't happen, then other issues. Does he see his wider family that live close by?

I'm sorry, but this is incredibly selfish. You will have to facilitate contact and agree to do alternate Christmas/Birthdays because of distance. I've seen these types of moves used against Mothers by their children, particularly their Sons, during puberty. I've known quite a few to end up living with their father. Especially if tje Mother gets a new partner and has more children.

Before you remove one whole side of your child's family, you really need to think it through from their pov.

Is your family pledging support?

RestaurantoffBroadway · 26/05/2020 07:01

You don't have to live with your partner but you also don't get to live exactly where you want.

Spinakker · 26/05/2020 07:36

She's not being selfish, have you ever lived with someone you don't get along with? It's really hard esp when it's your spouse. OP I think don't make any decisions right now in lockdown, wait til things get a bit more normal and get some headspace to think about what you really want to do. Have you tried to have some relationship counselling with your DH? I suppose that might not be available right now but perhaps later in the year it would. Wait until you can next visit your parents and see how you feel then. Try and talk to a friend in real life about what's going on. The responses on AIBU are often black and white and have little empathy. Also try posting this on the "relationships" board of mumsnet for more advice.

HugeAckmansWife · 26/05/2020 07:58

I moved a similar distance away when my ex left. However, in my case it was his choice to leave and he chose to move 90 miles away and only see the kids 4 days a month. I then increased the distance for financial and family support reasons BUT in my case, he had no interest in sharing the day to day parenting.. He certainly wasn't interested in 50% and had he been so and stayed local, I would not have moved. It does create problems..Even when we were only 90 miles apart My kids missed out on activities and parties when they are with him, he never, in all of my dd life has taken or picked her up from school, and never will, which she has says makes her very sad. Obviously there is a lot of travelling which is tiring and expensive for all concerned and when they stay with him in the holidays they miss me because we do it in long chunks. If your husband is a genuine doting and caring father who is 100% committed to sharing the parenting load fairly, then in your case I wouldn't go. If you split, and over time and his choice he becomes much less involved, then the move might be justified but it causes a lot of issues and even though I really had to in my case, I still feel bad about it and wish I could have afforded to stay closer.

WelcomeToTheNorth · 26/05/2020 08:02

Nah you can’t do that unless he moves too. It’s not putting the child first.

I live 100 miles from my parents, in my husbands home town. We nearly separated a while back. As much as I wanted to move home with the kids, I knew I couldn’t do that. They would have a crap relationship with him and I don’t have the right to take them away from their dad just because it suits me to move back.

I accepted that when we moved here.

WelcomeToTheNorth · 26/05/2020 08:02

But I do sympathise. It’s an utterly crap situation

tiredanddangerous · 26/05/2020 08:22

I do understand where you’re coming from but no,
you can’t move your 2 year old 200 miles away from his father.

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