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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So I need some advice

39 replies

Heartonsleeve23 · 25/05/2020 22:45

Me and my partner just aren’t really getting along. Lockdown is intensifying things, but I’ve realised we’re not really compatible.
We have a 2 year old.
Now my issue comes in that if we decide not to be together anymore, I would want to move back to my hometown. I currently live 200 miles away from my family/parents and close friends.
I moved up here 5 years ago. His parents live here and he grew up around here.

If I was to leave him, I’d move back to my hometown as I don’t really have any ties here, apart from him and my in laws. I do have a couple of friends here, but nothing else. I don’t even have a job as I gave that up when I had my son.

The problem is that he’d be devastated. He is a fantastic dad to our son, despite us not getting on, he does so much for him. They have a lovely relationship and he absolutely adores him. Even me saying I was going to go down to stay with my parents for a week and take DS with us, my partner was really upset, as he said he’d miss him too much.
I know that if I did move 200 miles away, he would hardly ever be able to see his son in that case, let alone bring him up, alongside me.
I know that would ruin him.

I just don’t know what to do. Can anyone help? I feel like I’m trapped 😢

OP posts:

Original poster

Heartonsleeve23 · 26/05/2020 08:40

I feel sick this morning. Thank you for all your replies. I realise it’s not the best thing to move 200 miles away. But I don’t think I can live alone with my DS with no support network (no family or real friends nearby) it’s making me feel so trapped and anxious. I hate my life at the moment. Sorry to sound dramatic, but that’s how I feel.

OP posts:

Thingsthatgo · 26/05/2020 08:43

I think yabu.
Imagine your son’s story when he is older. ‘My parents split up when I was little, and I didn't see my dad much after that. Not because he didn’t want to, but we were just too far apart’.

welcometohell · 26/05/2020 08:56

The way I see it these are your options

You stay where you are and try to work on whatever it is in your relationship that's making you unhappy.

You leave your DP and take your 2yo with you but remain in his home town, so you're out of the relationship but also no wider support network.

You leave your DP and your 2yo stays with him. You move back to your home town and have DC every other weekend- assuming you're able to collect them as you can't expect your DP to drive them 200miles for contact if you've chosen to move.

You separate but your DP agrees that you will both move somewhere halfway between your two home towns so that you both retain the support of your family and friends once you have separated. This is a big ask though, especially if he doesn't want the relationship to end in the first place.

You leave your DP, take your DS with you and your parents move closer to you. This very much depends on your parents circumstances. Some GP's would be willing and able to do this, some wouldn't.

None of these are ideal but I really don't think taking your DS and moving him 200 miles from his Dad is an option. Or at least it shouldn't be.

HugeAckmansWife · 26/05/2020 09:12

Is it an option for your parents to move closer? I know some on mn would be absolutely outraged at the idea but my parents did exactly that and have been completely amazing. I do think the problem here is that your ex is not a deadbeat, uninvolved father who you could justify moving from. To be honest. If I had 50/50 with my ex I wouldn't need much support because I'd have lots of time to do all the stuff I struggle to do with them. I think if you'd made the definite choice to leave you need to do that on a 50/50 basis. You get to not be married to him, he and his son get not to be separated and you might find you can cope with that level of single parenting alone. If you remain amicable with he ex you can help each other with childcare if needed.

Esmesmommy · 26/05/2020 09:36

In a similar situation I moved because I knew I was the one dealing with all the practical issues like school runs and sickness etc. I needed the support of friends and family. I really believe that in a family no one persons happiness is more important than the others, you’re happiness matters too. Maybe DH could move to your old town?

TitianaTitsling · 26/05/2020 09:42

I know it's lockdown just now op, but how were things for you with getting out and about before? Did you go to any groups or activities? I really feel that everything that's going on has significantly impacted my mental health and rocketed feelings of not coping and isolation. Are you in touch with your 'real' friends? How long have you lived away from 'home'?

canigooutyet · 26/05/2020 09:46

You do have a local support network.

His dad
The in-laws.
Your friends

As he gets older you will meet more people.

After lockdown would it be possible for you to go home for a rest? Leave d’s with dad so you can get a break to try think straight.

WelcomeToTheNorth · 26/05/2020 10:02

It’s so hard OP and I’m so sorry for you.

If we separated I know I would want a 50/50 coparenting arrangement. I’d want to be able to call him and say “can you pick them up tonight I’m stuck at work”. He would want to have them for tea during the week etc.

I think in some cases separation and divorce is traumatic and life-changing for children no matter how amicable it is, and I really believe that you need to do what you can to put them first and make it as easy as you can on them.

Original poster

Heartonsleeve23 · 26/05/2020 13:03

Thanks for all the replies.

@TitianaTitsling yes, I went to toddler groups, playgroups and a face to face mental health peer support group. All that is gone now

OP posts:

TitianaTitsling · 26/05/2020 14:36

hearts have you tried any of the online interactive ones? It feels a bit weird at first but you get used to it!

TitianaTitsling · 26/05/2020 14:37

Also have you contacted your health visitor? They might be able to help with telephone contact?

Ellisandra · 26/05/2020 14:39

You need to focus on how you can cope locally. You don’t get to unilaterally decide to move a child 200 miles from their father. Make it a priority to seek help for your MH.

TitianaTitsling · 26/05/2020 14:41

www.independent.co.uk/extras/indybest/kids/toys-activities/best-baby-toddler-online-classes-infant-play-activities-group-mother-a9511756.html.

Would any of these be of interest? Although l do agree with pp and def think speaking to your hv re your MH would be of benefit.

canigooutyet · 26/05/2020 18:09

Go back to your gp there is help and support still around.
I hit crisis back in feb/March and again recently. I’m getting phone support in addition to the various numbers. Because I’d had previous help, both times have been quicker to get access.

Even if you cannot face that at the moment, which I understand. Could you call someone like Samaritans? And of course posting on line.

Sometimes when I’m not well, I forget that writing it all down helps. Some of these I have shared with others, some just to aaarggghhhhhhhh when screaming into the pillow or whatever isn’t working.

If you cannot get hold of the gp, as others said you can still go back to the health visitor.

It’s your mind panicking at the moment. I don’t always post, but I’m somewhere around. If you need to talk or vent, give me a dm.

For others not coping there are a number of free apps to help us. Like Calm Harm and NOCD. Calm harm is a self harming prevention app, however there are some really good activities for anyone regardless of age etc.

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