AIBU: sensitive or drama queen?

[Shedbuilder]

I'm part of a well-established women's social group. Many of us have known each other for more than 20 years. There are around 15 of us and over the years we've had death, disasters, cancer, issues with children and parents and we've supported each other through it all.

A couple of years ago one of us (not me) introduced a friend to the group and she quickly established herself as being super-sensitive. I'll call her B. Early on someone mentioned in front of her that their sister had been diagnosed with cancer and B broke down in tears and swept out of the cafe we were in and of course people went after her to find out what the problem was and it turned out that her own sister had had cancer and it had been a dreadful time and any mention of cancer brought it brought it all back — so would we please not talk about anything like that in front of her. And then not long after someone was talking about their elderly parent and how they probably didn't have long to go and again B got up and fled and was found weeping in the street because it had made her think of her own mother who'd died a few years ago. And of course because people are nice they apologise and say how sorry they are — even though there's nothing to be sorry for. Anyway, it's gone on and on, till it's got to the stage where people are tiptoeing around on eggshells and not enjoying being out in the group when B is present in case they set her off again.

Now we can't meet in reality, we meet virtually on line a couple of times a week on Zoom and usually have a great time. But of course there's no escaping B on Zoom — you can't move to another table at the pub. A couple of weeks ago B threw a wobbly when one of the other women was saying how tough she was finding lockdown. Today it was one of the group's birthday and we all sang what we know to be her favourite song. And there's B on Zoom, getting up and running out of shot and then returning weeping into a bunch of tissues. And all my lovely friends are apologising and feeling bad and not sure what they've done till after the meeting's over when she sends a text to say her ex-partner, who dumped her, always sang that song to her...

I've encountered this sort of behaviour with children and young people but never with otherwise together sort of adults. (B's in her 50s and has a senior-level job in HR) It's having a chilling effect on the group. Some of them say she's just incredibly emotionally sensitive and she can't help it. Others are so busy feeling bad for upsetting her that they lose sight of the fact that it isn't their responsibility to edit everything they say in case it upsets her.

I don't have an issue with anyone feeling sad or moved and crying. But asking that people don't talk about certain things just in case they upset her seems controlling. Today she ended up taking all the attention from the person who was celebrating their birthday alone in lockdown and that really pissed me off. But I'm not as nice as the others. AIBU?

Blimey she sounds like a nightmare. Maybe sensitive or drama queen aren't the right words, nutjob springs to mind.

I have no time for people who cannot control their emotions like a fully fledged adult they are. May it be anger outbursts or crying because of something small, I just refuse to deal with people like that. It's ok to feel things, but it's not ok to inflict them on others especially like this woman.

I just couldnt put up with this behaviour once I became aware of it.
Can you create a breakaway Zoom group?
I have no idea how Zoom works but Im assuming its similar to whatsapp for example.
I know thats not curing the problem but at least it lets the core group have some conversations that dont get deflected by Miss Dramallama.

Im actually a bit lacking in social graces at times and I could see me saying something preemptive like;
Miss D - we are going to talk about something sensitive - can you make your way to the exit - here's some tissues.

Cant be doing with attention seekers.

If I've made her sound like a nutjob then I've gone badly wrong. She can go weeks at a time just being there in the background, involved in background chatter and sharing jokes. And then whoosh, someone says something unremarkable or we sing a well-known song and she's in bits.

I couldn't stand this. She's an attention seeker drama queen. These people are draining to be around.

100% narc

Would she behave like this at work?
What if an employee asks for time off for chemo, does she run screaming out the office?
She sounds unhinged and manipulative, stop including her.

Attention seeking. Unfortunately until your friends get wise to it, you will seem like the bad guy for bringing it up

Your group of friends sound like really nice people, I can see why you'd be annoyed.

The coven of witches I count as friends would have been sympathetic the first and second time but after the ex boyfriend / song hysterics I think we would have started belting out Roxettes It Must have been love and told her to get over it.

We sound like awful people but we show affection to each other by taking the absolute micky.

B got up and fled and was found weeping in the street because it had made her think of her own mother who'd died a few years ago

I suspect a number of members of the group have had members of their respective families die within the last few years. I doubt that they all demand that the subject of elderly people dying be avoided on that account.

For her own sake, this woman needs to be told that if she gets that upset by fairly routine conversations, she needs to get treatment, and not impose her sensitivities on everyone else.

Yeah she needs to learn to be more compassionate to what other people are going through and I don’t think a few reminders of that would be out of order.

Also sorry to be off topic, but thank you backseatcookers for reminding me of the screamer in the SC thread I’ll enjoy that bedtime reading tonight!

user1635482648

I agree we are responsible for the consequences of our actions which also includes depriving someone of support at a difficult time because we are unable to control our own emotions over an experience or event which happened in the past.

No one in this group is dictating how traumatised B is by her past experiences but they are concerned her sensitivity is causing them to walk on egg shells.

We have all had our share of challenges in life, if we made everyone else's experiences about us then no one would ever receive any support because we'd all be too upset to give it.

One of my closest friends parents is terminally ill with the same cancer that killed my mother. My mothers death was very painful but this isn't about me and I care about my friend deeply so I am here for them and not recounting tales of my own grief which would seem grossly fucking insensitive.

Is she quite sensitive and empathetic when other people are upset or is it always her being comforted. I think depending on the answer would sway what I think quite a bit. She may just be a sensitive person or maybe she is just heavily focused on her own needs and unable to see other people have needs within the friendship too.

I guess the assertive way to deal with it might be to highlight that as friends you all sometimes want to talk about things that are happening in your lives (eg illness) and maybe if she is struggling with that she needs to manage that without shutting other people down. It’s ok to get upset and have topics you are sensitive to. It’s not ok to expect other people to not share their stories/worries etc with their friends because you have a lot of things that upset you.

I’m not saying that’s how I would deal with it....but that’d be the way I would want to deal with it if I was actually assertive.

AIMD, she's listened sympathetically when I was going through a difficult patch at work and she's been supportive to someone who has a child with learning difficulties. But she stood well back when someone else was going through a bad divorce last year. She's a bit detached. She really doesn't seem to go around seeking attention. Most of the time you'd barely notice her in the group except for these dramatic outbursts.

I'm not sure anyone in the group feels particularly close to her. As PPs have said, most of us have had parents and other family members die and many of us have had relationships break down or faced medical challenges, but even so we can manage our feelings and enable others to speak about them. I don't know what this all means. I really don't think she fits the classic narcissistic model.

I knew someone like this

My own sister was in actual ICU after an accident for a while. It was a scary time. During this time I found myself at work, kneeling on the floor comforting a colleague/friend who found me talking about MY OWN SISTER too traumatic.

Looking back she was a bit of a messed up person who needed attention but didn’t know how to seek it positively

I also know someone who holds people to very high standards, in her words. So basically if you unknowingly break one of her personal rules of how to act you offend her. I know her quite well and know how to act around her but it is quite a hard balance

I just wonder how ballsy you have to be to actually ‘announce’ a personality trait like that, to a group ? Like how many people actually think that they’re important enough for a group of people they don’t even know that well to care about their exact quirks

Most people stop doing this quite young, when they realise that they're not everyone's main focus. If she's trying to get people to stop talking about their current issues because similar things happened to her years ago, she's just self focused and selfish. If your partner died a few years back, for example, you don't shut someone down if their partner died last month. You have increased empathy for them.

I wouldn't want a friend like this.

She doesn't do it at work.

Vampiric narc - damaging to others. That's all; her 'feelings', faked or otherwise, don't trump others' trauma.

As so many people have said she's a narcissist I've been googling narcissism. None of that fits what I know. Apart from these events triggered by things that others do or say I see no other 'look at me' behaviour or grandiosity or superiority or any of the other characteristics of narcissism.

My parents died a few years ago. I grieved deeply. Sometimes when others are talking about their experience of bereavement I feel sad and moved, but it's more of an empathic response than an overwhelmed one. I'm not so moved that I burst into tears or have to ask people to stop talking about it because (presumably) the feelings are unbearable. Why can I, and others, bear these strong feelings and she can't?

Yep defo an attention seeker. Does she ever show people empathy for their situations? Probs not, she’s the only one with feelings that matter. Drainer.

I'm a crier. It's mortifying because I even tear up when people are telling me sad things that have happened to them or they are currently going through. BUT what I definitely don't do is run out of the room sobbing and wait to be found weeping in the street. I have a subtle swipe at my eyes with a tissue and try and pass it off as an allergy. If I could stop myself doing it, believe me I would. I certainly don't draw attention to it by then demanding that no one mention anything upsetting when I'm around.

This woman sounds attention seeking and my feeling is she will just increase the things that trigger her as time goes on. Does she have a husband/wife? Is she lonely?

Shedbuilder
She doesn't really fit the stereotype of a classic narcissist but there are other types of narc, she could be a covert narcissist. I don't know that she is but a lack of grandiose behaviour doesn't mean she isn't, if that makes sense. I think a full blown narcissistic personality disorder is quite rare but lots of people exhibited aspects of narcissism, some are more harmful than others.

Seema to me shes a attention seeker. When the attentions off her she is making it turn back to her.

OK, here goes. Please be gentle with me, this isn't easy for me to confess but I saw this thread and felt I had to comment.

I used to be a bit like your friend. Not with the sobbing- am not a crier. But I would feel abandoned and alone when the attention was on another friend who was in need.

Like the lady in your group I wasnt especially loud- a bit shy and not confident of myself in relationships. Bullied badly at school and often left out. abusive parenting at home. I think I spent much of my life feeling out of it- did have friends sort of but difficulty trusting people, and yes I guess i seemed a bit detached to people.

Turns out, after several mental health crises needing treatment that I was diagnosed with something known as Borderline Personality Disorder. I had many other issues as well (so not neccessarily saying your friend has it) but for me what helped was therapy (fortunate to live in an area where they did intensive Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) This helped me learn how to cope with feelings of not being loved or accepted II admit this was something which took a long time to deal with, much of DBT is about emotional regulation but my therapist also worked with me on challenging thoughts about my own worth. it did take many years but it helped.

Also joined a local church (I know that isn't everybody's thing) but that did help me feel part of a community and less alienated.

She may not be as bad as people initially thought now you've added more details but I still think Merryoldgoat has given you the right way to respond to her.

A drama Queen in a way., in the sense that she hasn't learned anything about life's ups and downs at all, and doesn't have the ability to cope with anything that is upsetting, and it must be very annoying to witness her over emotional ways.