advice on MIL moving closer (would love to hear from MILS!)

[ladybird303]

So, MIL has decided to move closer to us. Do you have any tips on making sure we don't make any mistakes?

Could I please ask for your collective wisdom on what we should look for in a house for her. Due to her quite panicky personality my DH and I are likely to do most of the legwork so that she doesn't get overwhelmed.

A bit of background on her:

• she is 76 and has lived on her own for decades after FIL passed away in his forties
• physically fit and well
• she also has a daughter but daughter lives in Dubai and will be no help.
• her memory is going and she is in denial about this. She won't remember conversations had a few minutes ago but it doesn't seem to impact on her day-to-day (keeps to appointments etc).
• she lives about 4 hours away at the moment and is happy to move to us as would rather be closer to us and her grandchildren than the handful of friends she has where she is currently

background on us:

• We all get on fine but I am a huge introvert and like my space so wouldn't want daily visits - or unannounced pop ins! But I would appreciate the babysitting of course!
• Overall this will probably be better for me as won't need to go away for whole weekends and can do shorter but more frequent visits.
• husband has a semi backbone when it comes to her. He doesn't like to hurt her feelings but I think if I was upset and needed boundaries enforcing he would step up to the mark.

The property search so far:

• we live in a village which only has a pub and v. small shop. There are houses for sale in the village which she is keen on. Will this be too suffocating for us? Will she want/need more amenities down the line?
• she could also live in a nearby small town (about 20 mins away) with lots of nice shops, dr, dentist etc
• she likes period properties. When I look at her suggestions all I see is stairs and problems for when she is older - am I being too harsh?!

Has anyone made a similar move? How did you find it and how did you make friends?

Sorry for putting this on AIBU - not sure where else it would fit!

I'd be wanting her as close as possible, to be practical as getting older you'll inevitably be more involved with her care. So Closer is logistically better moving forward.

My suggestion would be ideally a wardened property. But don't imagine you've one very locally.

For longevity, I know not your ideal, I'd consider both households going in together and getting a property with annexe.

If early dementia, you need to acknowledge that this could progress significantly and quickly OR have a very slow trajectory. But you need to plan for the first imo.

If you think she would be receptive, it may be worth getting the forgetfulness looked at. Then you’ll have more info if it’s ‘just age’, or something else.

In her circumstances, I would seriously be looking at sheltered accommodation, not a separate house or flat. I'm thinking of the kind of place where you live independently but there are people on call if you need help and services available like cleaning and maybe some meals laid on.

If she is at the point where she doesn't remember things that have just been said to her, she is not far off being unable to remember to take medication, or taking it twice because she thinks she hasn't had that day's doze. The same will apply to things like turning the cooker off. I've recently been that position with my mother, and I was incredibly glad that she was already in sheltered accommodation where there were people keeping an eye on her every day, and where it was easy to get carers to come in when she reached the point of someone having to ensure she took her medication etc.

This is going to go badly, badly wrong for you OP.

There are a number of red flags here.

• You being a SAHP but with a DH working long hours, but being unwilling to be a carer? Well, you're going to end up in that situation anyway. With him out of the house for most of it.

• You needing your own space yet the purpose of her moving near is that you're her support network/local family? Check.

• Her memory loss already happening? Check.

• Complex local transport options such as her being unwilling to drive in future but being too mean to slurge on taxis? You'll be expected to be there again.

You need to spend some time reading through the elderly care section of Mumsnet.

There are plenty of willing, able bodied carers at breaking point who have been run ragged and their own health driven into the ground by trying to care for relatives (usually, in the end, unsuccessfully and unsafely, when it gets too much to handle 24hrs a day alone).

It is an awful, awful plan, and if you're expected to do the heavy lifting when it comes to planning this move... why on earth would you think it'll be any different when it comes to sorting out her day to day life, shopping, prescriptions, supporting at GP appointments, and so on?

I'll say it again: you NEED to spend just 10mins reading the elderly care section here to see the horror show that being a willing carer often becomes. Neve rmind an unwilling one.

(Yes, I have experience of this myself. It doesn't help the cared for person or the carer to be in this set up naively)

here's a link to make it easier to find:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents

Example threads:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/3914809-Horrible-thoughts-I-cant-share-in-real-life

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/3915825-Paying-for-24-hour-care

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/3911346-Thoughts-I-need-to-unload-sorry

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/3914220-Please-help-badly-need-some-support

... and that's just on page 1 of the care forum. Continue reading and the same themes crop up again, and again and again.

If your husband gets upset just talking about the possibility of his mother needing more care, he needs to think about how he will feel when the reality arrives. Refusing to think about it won't make it go away. If she is installed in an impractical house near you on her own and burns herself because she forgot she left a ring on the cooker burning, or gets ill because she forgets to take vital medication, he's going to feel dreadful.

I guess my worry would be that you already seem to be the one thinking about and organising this. If your husband and MIL want this to happen so much, then how come they aren’t being more willing to discuss the practicalities. This discrepancy in who’s carrying out the work/thinking is unlikely to change.

Also, I’m not against the idea in principle. More that it already seems like it all falls to you. And this will get more so if her health declines. And especially if she and your husband are reluctant to talk about or face up to difficulties.

I'd be thinking an over 50s development, sheltered housing or the like.

Sorry to bring the mood futher down. I work in probate. These are an absolute bastard to sell on.

Where I live there is over-55 housing. Lovely bungalows in a communal but not wardend, setting. Have you anything like that? Or nice flats with a communal garden?

If shopping is going to be an issue in the future, sort it out online even if you have to actually order it.

If there's a local WI or U3A around, get her to join. Both should be welcoming.

If she's going to need actual care, you and your DH need to have a plan in mind NOW. Do not bury your heads. Do not let him bat it away OR leave it to you.

Also, she may not like taxis, but if you find a good local firm where she can get to know the driver that may well work. And is much cheaper than running a car.

But bear in mind, you will need to see her often, so pick a distance you can cope with.

In my experience, people are sometimes unwilling to talk about the future because they assume you will take on any care problems and they don't want to sound cheeky by saying that is what they expect.

They know they are asking a lot, probably more than they would do for anyone else, but they are hoping you will be happy to take this burden on, as it becomes necessary.

If you are happy to do this, put their mind at rest and let them know that you will always be there for them.

If you are not, you have to be very clear that you have other plans and they need to start putting their future support network in place (favourite taxi firm, online shopping, social groups, cleaners etc etc). Otherwise, you will be the default choice for all of this.

MIL needs to plan for a few steps ahead. It would be a pity to avoid considering sheltered accommodation just because you don't want to offend her. It could be ideal for her and avoid putting you and your family under stress in future. She won't become younger or stay the same.

I failed to get my DM into something like this because she didn't like the sound of it. We ended up having to constantly make forced decisions in panic in response to repeated emergencies. She survived (just!) and now wonders why she didn't consider it years ago!

"I am, I guess, willing to pop in most days down the line with a bit of shopping but not willing to become a carer"

You mentioned that you have children and that when they are in school you would like to work. Is it really realistic that you will pop in "most days" when you have school runs and work as well as playdates and taxi-ing for kids activities?

It doesn't actually sound like you want to pop in most days now ("I guess" and "down the line") I think you need to have a difficult but necessary conversation with mother in law about what support she sees herself getting living near you and what support you (realistically) imagine her getting from you. If she lives in the village 20 minutes away that might mean you or your partner pop in say twice in the week at the moment (an hours round trip with a very quick cup of tea - realistically 2 hours with travel because you will feel guilty dashing in and out) and have her over for Sunday lunch say - but making it clear that when the kids are in school and you are working you will only be able to see her once at the weekend (unless your partner finishes work in time to visit on the way home from work or to do the kids while you do?). She needs to know the truth as she may choose not to leave her friends and lovely home for such a low level of support. She will likely be very lonely if she moves with the view that you will be her entire support network.

I agree with previous posters that "retirement living" or "over 55" type properties would be ideal. (some are posh and you could get a brochure to show her if visiting isnt possible at the moment) Facilities or lunch club etc where she can meet others would be great.

A previous poster has mentioned these retirement homes can be hard to sell but first and foremost should be what's right for MIL (rather than investment/resale potential) although she must have enough income to pay the on going charges else she could get into difficulties. Another option is to rent a property if you do the maths and calculate her money will last her for her needs.

You have had lots of great advice already about being practical about the housing needs of a 76 yr old woman - being on the flat, walk in shower, not in an isolated village.

My extra bit is that she isn't in denial about her memory. She has a memory disorder - she can't remember that she can't remember.

If you challenge her then she will try to figure out what went wrong and her brain will come up with solutions such as you got it wrong, the appointment was on another day, the thing was broken and as it gets wrong and worse sometimes outright paranoia.

She needs a trip to the GP now, with someone with her as a witness to what the memory problems are.

I think you need to look at what is available for her in the village such as sheltered accommodation, social groups, dial a ride for shopping, etc for now and then real care for dementia patients or with other nursing needs for later if needed. Then compare to the town. My grandma moved to a retirement flat with wardens and she loved it as it was very social but still independent. Maybe she needs to see what's available (" let's check all the options"). One word of advice,if she is already showing signs of dementia then things can change quickly. My grandma went from pretty much fine to not remembering how to chew or speaking in less than 2 years. A fall and hospital stay made her decline very rapidly. We had to move her to a place with better care and I dont think she handled it well at all. I think if there had been a section in the same retirement home with care available it may have been an easier transition but actually I am not sure grandma would have wanted a home like that.

Its so difficult. Hope it goes ok for you. I do think moving her closer will be easier though as frankly she will need care anyway if she needs it and will help being local. This way at least you will see her issues and can get her the care she needs.

Good advice on being very clear upfront with your dh on what you can / want to do. That's really important.

In regards to dementia and memory loss, I've been there, done that. My fil, who I loved to bits, gradually went downhill but was at home with mil, who managed quite well with help. Then she had to go into hospital for a long time but dad said he'd be fine on his own(he wouldn't). We had to all rally round until a permanent solution was organized, as in a live in carer pro tem. He should have gone into residential care but whenever the assessors came he was ok enough to say he didn't want to go, even though it was obvious he should. If we'd had HEALTH POA, rather than just financial P POA we could have made him go (that sounds horrible but he kept wandering off, leaving the cooker on etc). Please try and get that as well if you haven't already.
Dad was in and out of hospital, mum kept having him home, we had to keep going over there due to falls etc, it was a nightmare. My BIL lives up the road and he was great, but both him and my dh work away in the week, so a lot fell on me and our DIL. She was great as well but she has young children, so in school holidays she was limited in what help she could offer. Both her and I also work part time.
Looking back on it now, it was very stressful as I also have other grandchildren that I liked after, school run etc plus my own job, housework, admin etc. I have no regrets about the help I gave but with hindsight I'd have done things differently.

*looked after, not liked!

Get health poa asap.