advice on MIL moving closer (would love to hear from MILS!)

[ladybird303]

So, MIL has decided to move closer to us. Do you have any tips on making sure we don't make any mistakes?

Could I please ask for your collective wisdom on what we should look for in a house for her. Due to her quite panicky personality my DH and I are likely to do most of the legwork so that she doesn't get overwhelmed.

A bit of background on her:

• she is 76 and has lived on her own for decades after FIL passed away in his forties
• physically fit and well
• she also has a daughter but daughter lives in Dubai and will be no help.
• her memory is going and she is in denial about this. She won't remember conversations had a few minutes ago but it doesn't seem to impact on her day-to-day (keeps to appointments etc).
• she lives about 4 hours away at the moment and is happy to move to us as would rather be closer to us and her grandchildren than the handful of friends she has where she is currently

background on us:

• We all get on fine but I am a huge introvert and like my space so wouldn't want daily visits - or unannounced pop ins! But I would appreciate the babysitting of course!
• Overall this will probably be better for me as won't need to go away for whole weekends and can do shorter but more frequent visits.
• husband has a semi backbone when it comes to her. He doesn't like to hurt her feelings but I think if I was upset and needed boundaries enforcing he would step up to the mark.

The property search so far:

• we live in a village which only has a pub and v. small shop. There are houses for sale in the village which she is keen on. Will this be too suffocating for us? Will she want/need more amenities down the line?
• she could also live in a nearby small town (about 20 mins away) with lots of nice shops, dr, dentist etc
• she likes period properties. When I look at her suggestions all I see is stairs and problems for when she is older - am I being too harsh?!

Has anyone made a similar move? How did you find it and how did you make friends?

Sorry for putting this on AIBU - not sure where else it would fit!

Sorry OP, your DH hasn’t thought much beyond moving her closer to you. But perhaps even if he hasn’t considered who will provide care, the implication is that it’s you because at the moment he’s the one providing for the family. Note: I don’t mean a tit-for-tat arrangement in return, I just mean that practically speaking you probably need his wage, and the reality will be that your kids will be at school and it will fall to you to be sure she’s seen to. Be very careful.

CORA has it spot on. Thirty years of nursing including many years district nursing and seeing the strain that caring for elderly parents puts on families, would make me very wary. Situations like this usually snowball very easily.

You are all right the replies have made me feel totally naive. But this is all important for me/us to hear...

This is ringing so many alarm bells for me! In a similar position: MIL lives close by. I was pestered by her and her DH for years - they would turn up whenever they felt like it (usually separately, sometimes together) - lunchtime, by the time, once I even had her turn up at 8 o’clock in the morning during the summer holidays. No matter how many times we tried to tell them to let us know if they wanted to come round and we will sort something out, they never did. They liked the idea of just being able to do it when the urge took them! My MIL is forgetful too, and tbh do you really want someone like that babysitting for you? She’s going to get worse, too: to my mind it looks like you are going to end up looking after her. Even if your DH says he will do it: will he? You know him, can you see him actually doing it, or will it end up falling on you? My MIL Would only ring my DH if she wanted something doing, normally she would ring me for everything. If your mail is thinking of giving up driving, and doesn’t want to use taxis, you are going to end up ferrying her around. It’s a nice thought - living in a village - but if there is not much transport then I think you will end up bearing the brunt.

If she's suffering from memory loss, it could be a sign of dementia. Would you really want her babysitting?

Also wanted to add – it can be very hard to make new friends. Is MIL The sort of person who is willing to go along to clubs and events on her own? Or is she going to expect you to go with her? She may feel that as she has you and your DH, there is no rush to meet people. This does mean that as you are the only ones she knows, she is going to be wanting to spend a lot of time with you. My MIL has lots of friends, drives, and yet when we first moved near her I couldn’t get rid of her. I too am an introvert, and it made me incredibly unhappy. I couldn’t seem to get through to her that this wasn’t what I wanted: because she was okay with it, it was as though I had to get used to it.

It's almost always the woman who picks up the work here while everyone acts like the man is a saint for relocating his DM or family so they can be nearby.

I also can't help but notice its those living near family who are more likely to get into that learned helplessness mindset.

I would recommend your husband get power of attorney soon, before the memory loss becomes any worse.

Hey OP, sounds like a tough call. To be brutally honest, probably neither your MIL or DH have given the prospect of significant future care / taxi duties much thought beyond "oh OP doesn't work, she can do it."

I second 100% the PP who said if your DH won't discuss scenarios then this translates as "i don't need to know the specifics of YOUR job".

I would seriously play for time on the move, and immediately start accelerating plans to get back to work. This is serious- if she moves expecting you to be carer, shopper, driver then you'll have a much harder time backing out of duties you've already taken on.

Have you considered hammering home the point that you WILL be returning to work by X date and making it very clear that you will not be available to do daily errands? What response do you expect?

@CrystalMaisie he does have POA. Admittedly only very recently after a couple of years of nagging from me.

I know you are all going to say this is another alarm bell... You are right.

Oh dear.

They are both sensitive to discussing death/aging whereas I am quite practical and upfront. I am now quite worried. I love my husband so much and don't want us to have frequent fallings out over this in years to come and so need to take steps to protect us now I think.

This has been eye opening to say the least.

When I was teenager, my grandparents moved into a house about half a mile form us. It was amazing actually.

They respected our space (my mum was workign full time, it was her parents) Mum would pop in for a cup a tea on the way home from work, or wander down and see them at weekends.
We kids would often cycle past and stop and chat.

It worked becuase both sides respected the space. That is a personality thing though.

In terms of how you do it, I would go for the village, and then make a habit of what you want. So you meet on Tuesdays for coffee for example.

But if her memory really is going, then you are only talking about 12 months before you need to move to the next stage. I think you would be better to go for sheltered housing.

I do think you are all underestimating my firmness a tad though...

For example she asked if she could stay for a few weeks to look at houses and get to know the area. I said no I don't want any guests (including my family) for more than a couple of nights. I am no angel bending over backwards all the time I promise!

Power of Attorney vital at this stage before any further decline.

IME these scenarios can quickly turn into catch up - my dsil moved her mum to a house nearby in similar circumstances, tried desperately to persuade her to go into a sheltered flat but to no avail. Within months it became apparent that the memory problems meant this wasn't suitable and a further move to a sheltered flat was sorted. After a year there she was approached by the manager to suggest a move to residential care was now needed. There was a further move to nursing care after this.

Dsil ended up spending the best part of five years organising all of these moves and it was very expensive. In hindsight she'd have pushed more at the beginning but 🤷🏻‍♀️. A PP is right - sadly your mil's memory and health are not going to improve in the future.

Wishing you luck.

We moved to a small town a few years ago. One of its big plus points was good it was for older people. Doctor, dentist, cinema, library, exercise classes, park, nice range of shops. I think she will be far more independent in the small town provided the house/flat is in the right location and suitable for her as she gets less mobile.

I agree with C0RA. Your MIL is 76 and is already forgetful. She’s openly talking about stopping driving (probably wise given the previous point). Are there any health issues?

You need to be realistic about what this move actually is, and you need to make your husband be realistic, and that means him then having a hard conversation with your MIL.

This is an obvious thing to say, but in 4 years she will be 80. By the time you’ve sorted any kind of move out you’re looking at the best of a year probably, given current circumstances. Take off your rose-tinted specs and see this proposed move for exactly what it is, even if they haven’t quite admitted it to themselves: a move in readiness for the last stages of her life and all that that entails.

The location needs to be selected with future needs in mind, the property definitely needs to be selected with future needs in mind - and you all need to be realistic and crystal clear on what those needs might be.

Get clear in your own mind what you are and are not prepared to do, what you do and do not think your own family money should be spent on in terms of support (given that she evidently has her own), and then grit your teeth and have a difficult conversation with your husband. Location and property will be driven by her requirements, and she won’t know her requirements until she’s absolutely clear on what roles and involvement you and your husband are prepared to have. And you two won’t know that until you’ve had an honest conversation (or several).

Off for a walk now but will check back later.

Thank you all for the advice so far. Really, really helpful even if it is depressing...

I’m not so much underestimating your firmness as concerned that you’re underestimating the scale of this and the duration. These things tend to creep up incrementally until you’re stuck down an avenue that you would not have embarked upon given the choice. I’m in a similar situation to you, and have threads about this. And whilst I am also firm my DH finds it very difficult to be stuck between me and his mummy. He out-earns me by about 3x so any future giving up of work to look after people would be better financially if done by me. And I work part time around school hours so have more time available to me (even though all my non work time is taken up with young children, and I’m soo looking forward to getting some time to myself in the near future). Please, whatever you do, go into this with your eyes open!

If her memory is going to the extent you describe, please be aware that this could well be early dementia, so you should definitely not be using her for any future babysitting.

And BTW it’s very common for sufferers of dementia to be ‘in denial’ about it, except that it’s often not denial as such - more the fact that at any given moment they can’t remember that they can’t remember anything. In their own heads it may well often be the case that they think they are still managing as well as ever.

I’d go for the town and look for a ground floor flat in a period terrace With a good little corner shop nearby. She may have a few memory issues but everyone does at that stage and she sounds like a determined and independent lady. Don’t be so careful of planning for future eventualities that you push her to something she doesn’t want or need. Even if she only has a few years there and then moves to sheltered housing, she deserves the respect of being enabled to make the choices for herself while she can.

My FIL moved into a retirement community and loves it.
He has his own unit so can be a hermit if he wishes, but also loves to join in the Thai chi classes and happy hours.
When he fell over and needed to spend 2 months with us, his neighbors watched his unit, and greeted him with a welcome home banner when he was able to return.
It also means that as he needs more care, he can move to the next level up, within the same community.
I would also sit DH down and say that you are not willing to do medical runs and be primary care giver. Lay out in black and white what you are willing to do.
Also agree, get a job. Good role model for DC and a reason not to be called upon. Also teaches DCs independence, which is a good thing.
Good luck

Definitely not the same village. She's better if she has more amenities as she will make friends too.

10-15 mins away is good

My MIL has gone from being pleasantly confused to not remembering whether she has eaten since lockdown started and shes only 76. These things come on quickly, would really advise against isolating her in a village with no means of transport, sheltered housing in the nearest town sounds perfect.

The small town sounds the much better option. My parents (older than your MIL & I appreciate there are two of them so it is different) moved to be nearer us but to a small town about 25 minutes away. They are very outgoing so made the effort to make friends, do a bit of volunteering etc and it has worked well. They also bought a four storey Victorian terraced property, totally impractical but they love it & going up and down the stairs keep them fit (now late 80s ).

My grandmother lived across the road from us after she was widowed it worked brilliantly because my mother ensured good boundaries in place from the start and mil a lovely woman who quickly made lots of friends and had her own life in the village. She also helped with childcare. It was win win for everyone so can work. She needs a peer group though.

By the way - and without wishing to make things more depressing - it’s also worth starting to think about what happens if she stays where she is. Because trying help an older relative who needs more involvement as they get older, potentially with medical or care needs, from a distance brings its own challenges.

I’m not trying second guess your MIL or her situation, but several things you’ve said so far (panicky, relying on you thus far to sort the move, forgetful, talking seriously about giving up driving for example, happy to leave her friends) are ringing a few bells for me in terms of what I’ve seen with certain family members vs others, and I wonder if she will be more dependent or needing input than you imagine, which will be very hard to do at a distance.

This kind of thing isn’t easy whichever way you look at it.

Either way, YANBU for having misgivings.