Issues with SS visits

[Myal]

I've worried as a SM to ask for advice here for fear of being flamed but here goes...please can I ask if I'm being completely irrational here?

DH and I have a daughter who's 3 and SS is now 14. We've been together for 6 years and have had our fair share of ups and downs, namely to do with DH having a breakdown and being unemployed since last year.
Just before lockdown, we found out through DH ex that SS had secret social media accounts where it emerged through messages he was sexually active, involved with drugs, drink and even carrying a knife because he was retaliating against another boy.
Whilst he admitted to some things, my biggest issue was how he spoke about one particular girl he'd slept with. Its was completely disgusting and he openly discussed her 'ability' at satisfying him.

His parents and myself and his SD were absolutely shocked. No one had any inkling he had this other persona and whilst a small number of things would be typical teen behaviour, things like this completely changed my feelings towards him. For me, I feel like he's completely crossed boundaries.

His mum reached out to his school but because of lockdown, counselling and mentoring is limited.

We've all agreed to find support and have a soft intervention with no access to social media and then when he returns to school, to continue to monitor him but if he slips back with that crowd or gets into any kind of trouble then it's a harder intervention.

Whilst his mum talked to him, he admitted he manipulates his dad, my DH.

So DH and I have spoken, I've asked him to be a parent and not his friend and be harder on him considering the circumstances.

He stayed with us last weekend for the 1st time since lockdown and completely acted up making snidey comments towards me and his Dad and defied anything we suggested.

It was a really stressful weekend and I sighed a breath of relief when it ended.

My DH is soft, had absolutely no discipline in his childhood and his mum still makes excuses for her two boys and now grandson with the typical 'boys will be boys comment'.
And my DH has made no move into finding him any counselling and I feel continually makes excuses for his sons behaviour.

So, hes just sprung on me he wants him to come over earlier this week and stay longer. And I couldn't help but blurt out that the visits are becoming even more stressful. I don't feel comfortable with him being around my daughter. I get he is her brother but he literally showed how he didn't know right from wrong with recent behaviour and I just can't shake that off.
Dh has gone off in a strop but I feel I need to stand my ground here.

Sorry for a long read but have I been completely irrational?

There are a few issues, there is the social media, the problem is he is writing to his peers and whilst disgusting it maybe exaggerated. He needs both punishment and education. The biggest problem is lack of discipline from your DH in the past that cannot be solved in a few visits. But will definitely not be resolved if he does not visit at all. Your DH need to plan how he can put in place boundaries and ensure that there are repercussions if crossed.

He is not really her brother though is he

Oh sorry yes half brother. ..still it's a worry

Oh OP, that's such a hard one And whilst I do not know what the answer is, I can tell you that not having him round is not it.
It would take a very twisted individual to turn on his much younger sibling. So I think that unless he has given you reason to do otherwise, you must give him some credit there.
He's probably not a bad person, but it sounds like he's under an insane amount of peer pressure.
Refusing to have him round is just burying your head in the sand, and will cause an enormous rift in the family. That said, I think I might be threatening to move out unless family counselling was agreed to.

Thanks @Boulshired.
The comments towards the girl weren't exaggerated, he admitted it all eventually and the girl even ended up at the doctors because they had unprotected sex and she thought she was pregnant.

Dh will not discipline and would rather talk it all out which clearly SS has taken advantage of.
I just can't deal with the amount of stress this is causing me.
Literally everything he says or does is for his own benefit and he completely lacks empathy for others. I get a 14 year old probably is that way inclined but with only me wanting to do something about it whilst DH buries his head in the sand for fear of upsetting his son, I'm just too exhausted by it all. And really concerned how his behaviour will impact our household.
We normally have him EOW and during school holidays.

I would contact the police about the knife and drugs ... !

@Dieu, thank you.
Counselling was agreed! Just that no one has lifted a finger to follow up.
I know things are strained at the moment but his mums hit the wine big time, step dad is busy working from home and trying to take care of their two daughters (both under the age of 6) and my husband is just making excuses for him.
And where do I move out to? I only have my mum locally who's shielding so can't even take my daughter there for the day to avoid all this. At a complete loss

At present your DH is being a shit parent and I would be questioning the impact not just with SS but with your DD. He is showing you who he is, his son needs guidance and he would rather give it an ignoring than step up and deal with it. At present the solution is he steps up or he agrees his son stays away as it cannot stay the same. He has choice and having a strop isn’t one of them.

I wouldn't worry about his half sister i dont think, she's 3

This sounds complex, I’m sorry. I’d probably suggest waiting until things cool down and, in the morning, sit calmly with your husband and talk about ground rules together for your stepson’s visit. Rules for the whole family: the child to follow, and for the two of you to enforce. Explain to him that this is the structure he needs, but also the structure the two of you need to manage your blended family in a way that keeps everyone safe and sane. If he agrees to it, and then doesn’t follow up, call him out on it immediately (not in front of stepson) and he has to go back and follow the rule properly. If he refuses, raise it in the group chat with the mum and stepdad. This shows you do want to be part of the team, and support the child, rather than it coming from a position of dislike (which is probably how your husband sees it, which is unreasonable of him but likely the reality).

@anonacatchat. Thank you.
It's the only thing he's denied.... and his mum has now deleted the insta account so theres nothing to show police anyway except a few screenshots.

Husband refused to read through mist of the messages and has his phone but won't go through his messages because I suspect he knows by doing so he'll have to do something about it.

@JustStayHome, yes my daughter is just 3yo but my worry is his concept of boundaries and he's clearly overstepped the mark with regards to being sexually active.
He's shared sexually explicit details and pictures of the girl he's slept with too.

My gut feeling just doesn't agree with having him here without some kind of outside help first.

I hate to tell you this but this what a lot of teen boys are like now. It's a generation raised on Internet porn. They feel entitled to 'nudes' and think that girls are there for their own satisfaction.

My DH is soft, had absolutely no discipline in his childhood and his mum still makes excuses for her two boys and now grandson with the typical 'boys will be boys comment'. And my DH has made no move into finding him any counselling and I feel continually makes excuses for his sons behaviour.

There is your problem. Three generations of excuse-making and a complete absence of effective parenting. Which your DH apparently fails to recognise.

Everything else is just symptomatic of that.

I think having consensual sex with a girl of his own age (despite him behaving disgustingly towards her) is a totally different thing to what you're suggesting. I'm not saying don't look out for your daughter, I understand you just want to protect her, I really do, but that's a serious offence and not in the same league as what you've described. If my DH suggested this about my son (opposite situation to you) without evidence to back up his thinking then we'd have a massive problem. Protect your daughter as well as you can, but I don't think you have a good enough reason for preventing your DH having his son visit.

I think if your daughter went off the rails at fourteen would you not allow her in your home?

Your daughter is too young to understand, and the boy needs his fathers Influence, not to be disgarded by him.

So yes whilst boundaries need to be maintained I don’t think it’s right to try to have him not allowed in his parents house.

Hang on so SS has had both his mum and dad remarry and make further children?

Does he have any siblings from the original marriage? Or is he the only one?

Can you imagine how lonely and unwanted he must feel? And now his dad is brushing it all under the carpet and not engaging with him.

Then there's his step mother who wants more "discipline". I think you've missed the point.

I'm not saying his behaviour is ok. Just have a think about how it all looks to him is all.

Sorry but YABU. You don't just get to have him in the nice times. He's your DH's son. Think how hard it must be for his poor mother if you can't stand him for 2 days!

I often notice patterns of bad teenage behaviour when either mum or dad has a "new" family - not saying you're to blame of course, but nothing is black and white. Have you and/or your DH talked to him about what his problems and why he acts this way? Is he feeling pushed out, does he want attention? It's easy to come to the conclusion of "he's naughty" but with all due respect if he's taking drugs and using knives at some point there's been a huge lack of care or parenting fail happen.

Also - he's a teenager. Snide comments are grumpiness are par for the course. Suck it up a little. It'll be good practice for 10 years' time if nothing else!

Can you imagine how lonely and unwanted he must feel? And now his dad is brushing it all under the carpet and not engaging with him.

Exactly. To decide he's not worthy enough at his dad's and his new family would be like a stake through the heart.

I do wish people would consider their current DC before they skip off into the sun with a new partner and make more kids with them.

Your DH needs to grow up and, rather that waste time with strops, think constructively about how he can step up and remedy his son's behaviour.

I empathize OP. You are not stopping contact, you want your father to step up to be a firm male role model to his son. He is failing and because of that you don't want to deal with the fall out from your SS behaviour.

I am with you. I also think the way a lot of young boys behave towards girls is horrific, there is a lot "boys will be boys" attitude. I have a young daughter and I am scared for her future.

This is making me so angry. This child and at 14 that is what he is has been failed and it continuing to be failed by the adults in his life. All parents include the OP you needs to not reject this child need to step up and be adults to this boy. It sounds like her DH maybe trying to takes steps to do this by wanting him over more. Teenagers rebel and if new rules are suddenly coming into places then they are going to rebel more but he needs to be consistent. It’s going to be very difficult at 14 to suddenly put boundaries in places but the Dad can’t give up on his child because it’s difficult.

OP your local youth offending team will have or will know how you can access local preventative intervention, the drugs and knife is a huge concern, they will be open. The sexual activity is also a worry but unfortunately not uncommon. As for the way he spoke about the girl, it's reprehensible and he needs work around healthy intimate relationships but I doubt very much it indicates a risk of harm to a female toddler. There may be an element of bravado to it, think jay from the Inbetweeners, but also think about the subtle gender messages he gets at home.

You can't just expect your husband to not see his son! That's a shocking thing to say.

If, ten years down the line, you've remarried and have a new husband, would you allow him to dictate the level of contact you have with your DD?

I should bloody well hope not.

Your DH needs to spend some quality time with his son and make him feel supported rather than disliked. I agree that what's happened is fairly scary for you but it will be hard for this lad to pull it all back unless he knows his dad is rooting for him. Strict boundaries that the two of them agree to and then you support your DH by helping to enforce them. Good luck.