Issues with SS visits

[Myal]

I've worried as a SM to ask for advice here for fear of being flamed but here goes...please can I ask if I'm being completely irrational here?

DH and I have a daughter who's 3 and SS is now 14. We've been together for 6 years and have had our fair share of ups and downs, namely to do with DH having a breakdown and being unemployed since last year.
Just before lockdown, we found out through DH ex that SS had secret social media accounts where it emerged through messages he was sexually active, involved with drugs, drink and even carrying a knife because he was retaliating against another boy.
Whilst he admitted to some things, my biggest issue was how he spoke about one particular girl he'd slept with. Its was completely disgusting and he openly discussed her 'ability' at satisfying him.

His parents and myself and his SD were absolutely shocked. No one had any inkling he had this other persona and whilst a small number of things would be typical teen behaviour, things like this completely changed my feelings towards him. For me, I feel like he's completely crossed boundaries.

His mum reached out to his school but because of lockdown, counselling and mentoring is limited.

We've all agreed to find support and have a soft intervention with no access to social media and then when he returns to school, to continue to monitor him but if he slips back with that crowd or gets into any kind of trouble then it's a harder intervention.

Whilst his mum talked to him, he admitted he manipulates his dad, my DH.

So DH and I have spoken, I've asked him to be a parent and not his friend and be harder on him considering the circumstances.

He stayed with us last weekend for the 1st time since lockdown and completely acted up making snidey comments towards me and his Dad and defied anything we suggested.

It was a really stressful weekend and I sighed a breath of relief when it ended.

My DH is soft, had absolutely no discipline in his childhood and his mum still makes excuses for her two boys and now grandson with the typical 'boys will be boys comment'.
And my DH has made no move into finding him any counselling and I feel continually makes excuses for his sons behaviour.

So, hes just sprung on me he wants him to come over earlier this week and stay longer. And I couldn't help but blurt out that the visits are becoming even more stressful. I don't feel comfortable with him being around my daughter. I get he is her brother but he literally showed how he didn't know right from wrong with recent behaviour and I just can't shake that off.
Dh has gone off in a strop but I feel I need to stand my ground here.

Sorry for a long read but have I been completely irrational?

Also you and your DH don't get to abdicate responsibility because he's being difficult or in trouble, that's usually the difference between children who learn and children who escalate to adult offending behaviour

I think your husband needs to step up with the parenting. Your SS needs to know that he is disappointed in him. I needs to know how these types of lifestyles work out. My brother decided to follow this type of lifestyle and my dad was too busy trying not to upset him rather than parent him. He is now one of the most unpleasant, entitled, selfish druggies you'll ever meet. I really think that your DH needs to get his thinking hat on and find out away to either shock or punish his son so that this behaviour doesn't follow him into adulthood. See this as just a 'rough patch'. Many relationships have them and most of the time there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Tell your DH that although it may be uncomfortable for him to start punishing him now, his son will thank him later. Banning him from your house will make things much worse. It will result in his mum not being able to cope (so no support there) and him thinking that he isn't welcome with his dad. Therefore this situation will get worse and worse until it's too late to go back. I know that all sounds very dramatic but I've watched this happen and had very rough teenage years due to my brothers behaviour.

I hope things improve OP.

Dh will not discipline

That's your issue right there. If he doesn't step up, this will be your new normal.

OP, I think you are being VERY unreasonable to suggest that because your SS had - presumably consentual - sex with another teenager he is a risk to your three year old daughter! He's not a paedophile, FFS, and suggesting he is is disgusting.
Your problem here is your DH not stepping up to parent appropriately. You don't get to ban your SS from your house because your DH is being useless. Have a lot of very harsh words with him and get him to step up.

I think that linking this behaviour to your 3 year old is inappropriate of you. If he were your blood child you'd have to manage this situation and so you should with the ss.

Your refusing the ss is unreasonable. Airing your feelings isn't. Before he comes over, you need to both talk frankly and honestly about how to proceed with your ss.

I would be organising telephone therapy. Most areas have a free service. It's not ideal. But better than nothing.

Are there any parental locks on his it equipment?

How old was the girl? Are her parents aware? Has he posted images etc online? The whole legalities etc needs discussing at length. Including sexual health info.

The knives element needs addressing. I would certainly look at www.knifefree.co.uk/get-help-support/ for initial support.

Have both his rooms been searched? Knives found?

What punishments are in place for the poor behaviour?

Have you sat down as a unit of 3 and discussed things?

These are all important must dos. But cancelling contact is inappropriate. Finding a way forward is necessary.

YABU. Your husband is unreasonable and needs to parents his son.

@StepAwayFromGoogle.
I'm not banning him from our home.
I'm afraid of this behaviour spiralling out of control and the effect it'll have on my daughter.
I completely agree with my husband stepping up but have seen no change in his parenting since this all happened.

He wants to have him longer so he can continue to mollycoddle him. Put it this way, before lockdown, husband was even getting his toothbrush ready for SS.....

@SoloMummy.
His mum took away his playstation and phone and his laptop is being used my his mum for wfh.
But, that's it. I asked him how he felt about his things being confiscated and he just shrugged his shoulders and didn't seem bothered about it.
I know my husband has asked his ex if he can play at ours when he came last weekend and his mum said no (and rightly so).
Therapy is a thorny issue in our household, husband thinks it's not been helpful to him in the past so I'm battling here. I just think sitting and doing nothing isn't the solution either.

I'm not too sure his room was searched and he doesn't have a room here, he sleeps in my daughters bedroom as we have a 2 bed flat. She comes in with us when he's over.

And I'm not cancelling contact. I'm just worried and stressed that with no intervention and continuing this cycle of shit parenting, things are going to spiral and I do have a 3 year old daughter to think about.

@IAmLarge.
I'm sorry about your brother and it sounds awful.
I'm not banning him and never would. I just can't shake the feelings associated with the sexual content and how he has treated this girl; just so much disrespect.

@Destroyedpeople.
This. Exactly this is what I feel most disappointed at.
I've only ever talked to him in positive ways, introduced or educated him on positive role models and if he's ever indicated in my presence of any misonigyst views then I've corrected him or talked him through it.
I don't know what goes on in his home with his mum and step dad but it still makes me so sad its come to this.

But, I have a daughter to worry about if no intervention happens.

Firstly, there shouldn't have been any need to ask his mum if he could play at yours. You as a unit need to start setting your own boundaries and sticking to them.
Does he get pocket money or.Money put on phone or PlayStation etc? If so, any obvious penalty at your home is this stops. Decide a time frame.

Sit down. Talk as a 3 about your expectations and the consequences of not meeting these moving forward. Does he have jobs to do etc. If not give him some.

I disagree with those saying you have no place in this, you do for your household.

How the ex approaches this in her household is her business if you cannot get a consolidated way forward for both households.

@GlummyMcGlummerson, I certainly didn't skip off into the sunset with DH and trust me, SS has been molly coddled by 6 families who think the world of him.

SS has played on DH heartstrings for too long. And admitted he manipulates his own dad.

To all that replied and advised, I thank you all. My situation is far from being the wicked step mother and more to do with what to do from here.
But, I thank you all 🙏🏽

What you need to do is start with your DH. If he won't change his parenting then you're not going to get anywhere. He may be worried that he'll lose his son if he disciplines him, or maybe he's just lazy, but he needs to change. Make rules and stick to them, with consequences that you'll both follow through on.

You also need to push the idea of therapy. Whoever is pushing back against it, have an open talk about why you feel it is necessary, and why you'll think it will help. I agree that it will by the way.

One thing I would say is even if you've gone out of your way to make him feel part of your family, that doesn't mean he feels accepted and a part of it. Being a child of divorce is really difficult, trust me.