Joining someone else in the queue/special needs AIBU

[sunflowery]

Before I start I just want to say this happened in my hometown and I was only with DH, so not taking the piss out of the lockdown rules!

We went for a walk along the seafront earlier and the ice cream van was there so we got in the queue behind about six other people. A group of three adults came up to the man in front of us and joined him in the queue. They were chatting away.

I was a bit but quickly noticed that two of the three had special needs and the third was obviously the carer so I thought better about pointing out that there was a queue. Especially as for all I knew he could have been buying for all of them anyway.

But then they got to the front and the original man went up and ordered and the other three stayed in the queue, and then all went and ordered and paid separately after he’s finished and walked off! So basically we had to wait for three extra people to be served.

I really wanted to say something but DH told me not to as they had special needs (even though their carer instigated it). But I keep thinking that I should have said something.

So were they being unreasonable and rude or were we right to let it go?

Honestly? I think you’d be displaying an extraordinary level of unkindness to have said something. You were in a queue for an ice cream - not a heart transplant.

I’m not an unkind person at all and my initial reaction to say something was before I noticed they had additional needs.

Totally get that the queuing could be an issue but found the lack of acknowledgement a bit off but why didn’t the original man let him go ahead of him as well if he knew them ? Just morphed from a situation I quickly realised to let it go into something I thought was a bit rude.

But we all got our ice creams and no awkward inbetweeners style confrontation occurred so happy days.

My autistic son hates queuing, hates buses, hates crowds. I would never queue jump because of it even though he vocalises his hate for it. That lady was rude I would have said something, well tbh my son would have! It would have infuriated him and he would have wanted an explanation for the queue jump as that's not the way I've taught him we do it 😂🙈

That is a good point Merlin - you never know the circumstances of others also queuing.

Many times I've had to tell him it's fine that someone pushed infront of us in the bus queue as theres loads of seats anyway and he doesn't have to get worked up about it (even though we must still queue and not push to the front). He's got more used to it and will now say something like 'ok then I will just wait a little bit longer for my go' and then ask me if I see them push in 🙈 . It makes me worry that he comes across as rude for speaking out as you can't tell hes autistic.

You never know what challenges they might present in a queue. As for paying separately - they were probably practising life skills and money training.

This wouldn't bother me in the slightest as I've been a carer and know how things can change quickly. For them to even go and practice paying would have had to be risk assessed.

’He's got more used to it and will now say something like ‘ok then I will just wait a little bit longer for my go' and then ask me if I see them push in 🙈

He sounds adorable @MerlinMoo ☺️

"I think queuing is an important life skill, so it would have been better if the carer had either encouraged them to queue"

You are presuming they have the capacity to learn, which might not always be the case. This annoys me slightly as people think everyone with special needs is like a child and needs to learn life skills presumably to better themselves. This is not always possible and shows the general public's misunderstanding of disability. Perhaps because of the term learning difficulties. Some disabled people cant learn their way up in the world, what they have is what they have and you need to have compassion about that, not say "well, they need to learn", like they are a child.

Hi. Daily life can be extremely challenging for those with special needs and disabilities. Many have mental health issues which cannot be seen by others.

You did the right thing in not saying anything.

You are presuming they have the capacity to learn, which might not always be the case. This annoys me slightly as people think everyone with special needs is like a child and needs to learn life skills presumably to better themselves. This is not always possible and shows the general public's misunderstanding of disability. Perhaps because of the term learning difficulties. Some disabled people cant learn their way up in the world, what they have is what they have and you need to have compassion about that, not say "well, they need to learn", like they are a child.

I think you have misunderstood me. My son has SN and while there are so many things he struggles with or cannot do, I cannot simply just let him do as he wants all the time. There are limits to what is and isn't acceptable behavior. It's not socially acceptable to just barge to the front of a queue. So, as hard as it is for him, we have to find ways to manage his behaviour so he is able to wait or not not go for ice creams. If he was having a really bad day and we really couldn't wait, then of course, I could politely ask if he could go ahead and explain why, but you can't just assume and barge ahead.

On the other hand, if someone with SN did barge ahead of me, then I wouldn't mind at all. I guess that is the contradiction.

The thing is, the next time the carer does this, they may not meet someone as reasonable as the OP. So the polite thing is to ask first.

Definitely one to let go.

3cats, I appreciate where you are coming from. It just bugs me a bit that lots of people think people with special needs need to learn life skills, when sometimes they just cant. Sometimes their brain just cant comprehend why they have to wait or go to the back of the queue when someone has been waiting for them already.

I totally understand what you are saying @TabbyMumz

I don't expect people to give my autistic child, who tends to stim and flap about a lot when having to queue, any special treatment, we have plenty of strategies to deal with such things, but it really does make my day happier not to mention easier if someone "gets it" and offers to let us go first.

On the other hand, if i notice people getting judgey, I try to de escalate the situation without giving away any personal information. Unfortunately there are nasty people around who will turn abusive once they realise that you're vulnerable in some way, and you never know which ones are going to be silently judgey and which ones are going to make damn sure they spoil your day because there really are some shit people around.