My daughter is making me lose my mind

[Ifeel1000yearsold]

Would love some perspective on this. Single parent to 3 and been stuck in lockdown for 9 weeks so feel a bit like I’m losing my perspective and have no idea if I’m being reasonable or not.

Dd16 asks to make Sunday lunch this morning. I tell her we don’t have the stuff in and also our cooker isn’t working properly (only one of the jobs). Bugs and bugs and bugs me about it until I say she can do what she wants but I want no part of it.

Then proceeds to piss around in the kitchen banging and crashing and wanting acknowledgment and praise for every single thing she’s doing. I don’t care. I didn’t want a half arsed Sunday lunch, I don’t want to be asked a million questions about it then have huffs when she doesn’t get the answers she wants.

There’s obviously loads of background to this but I just think I don’t want to have to praise and make a fuss about something I didn’t want and said I didn’t want.

I get she wants to do something nice but it feels a bit manipulative which is something that’s on going thing with her.

I am being unreasonable for being less than effusive about this lunch?

My daughter is making me lose my mind just by being in the next room so YADNBU.
(I badly need some alone time).

My daughter is more manipulative than my sons.

But I always seem to come off worse if I make too many comments to any of them
(ie offer advice).

So as much as possible I do now just tell them to crack on with what they want to do and limit my personal involvement. There’s plenty of reopens online and YouTube videos to give instructions

Means I’ve had to step in and rescue meals sometimes- but at least they appreciate better the work involved in cooking.

You don’t need to be effusive either - just make a sincere and pleasant comment.
Job done.

She's making you lose your mind because she wants to cook the family lunch.... She's probably now being stroppy because she pushed to do something nice and you were funny about it. If the oven isn't working you could've just said yes that would be lovely, but the oven isn't working so it'll have to be something you can cook on the stove

*planned not pushed

Reopens is supposed to be recipes.

Apparently Jamie Oliver has some good videos online

I think YABabitU, but I understand it isn't easy.

My 18 yr old had an absolute meltdown yesterday - on the surface it was about the fact her db wouldn't lend her his bike unless she wore a helmet, but in truth, it was about everything else - her A levels being cancelled......her prom being cancelled.....her post A-level holiday with mates to the sun being cancelled...... her worries about University - will it start or not? What will it look like?..... her worries about her grades (that she can't work and influence what they will be)....... her upset at so many of her friends having their 18th Birthdays and not being able to celebrate or mark them........ just not being able to hug her friends (they are all very huggy).

So, it is tough on all of us. What blows up on the surface isn't really necessarily what the drama is about.

Generally, I take any and all offers of someone else producing the food, gratefully, and appreciate they are trying to contribute, rather than criticising them for it not being perfect. But then, I do that when not in lock down too.

Just go and watch tv or something, OP, why stay in the same room getting more annoyed?

Just say "you know it's not very humble to seek praise like this?" Or something?

But yeh as @BackforGood I do think cooking is the way to my heart!

Sorry but yabu.

She's only trying to make a family lunch FFS. Plenty of ppl would be delighted to have a DD like that.

The ones I know are stuck in their rooms expecting to be catered to.

She sounds like the husband who wants a ticker tape parade for taking out the rubbish.

She isnt doing a "nice thing", she is passive aggressively doing a noisy half arsed thing to punish the OP for refusing to spend her own Sunday making a big roasted lunch only the aggressor (DD) wanted.

It's precisely the opposite of a "nice thing".

Is she always like this, OP? Is she on track for university at 18? If so, uni halls for her. If not, job and house share.

My DD will do this- beg and beg to cook, but then want to use up three meals worth of ingredients for one meal, which I just can't afford to do (not least because I am shopping once a week, and once it's gone, it's gone, and then we'd have no food for the last two days of the week!).

However, she does it because she loves cooking, and would never fish for compliments, or refer to when she made lunch, or whatever. She does it purely for this love of food!

Maybe you need to look at her need for an ego-boost, and praise, and see what else could help her esteem?

My teenagers need A LOT more attention than usual at the moment. It’s exhausting but objectively their lives are harder than mine these days.

Can you guide her into making a cake or something instead? Microwave mug cakes or similar?

She isnt doing a "nice thing", she is passive aggressively doing a noisy half arsed thing to punish the OP for refusing to spend her own Sunday making a big roasted lunch only the aggressor (DD) wanted.

^^agree with this.

16 year old offers to cook lunch? Wow, what an awful child you have there.

Your DD is being a normal 16 year old. Ask her to plan in advance next time so you can get the things in. I find the word manipulative really unpleasant. Generally people manipulate because they need attention or reassurance or feel out of control. It sounds like you're expecting adult behaviour from her, when she's not capable of adult behaviour because she's a teenager.

Thanks. She’s made it, we’ve eaten it and of course I said it was lovely and thanked her. We’ve had a bit of chat it all and both apologised for our parts in the whole thing.

I was fully prepared to hear I was being unreasonable but @MintyMabel I wouldn’t ever say she was an awful child so not sure where you got that from. @GilbertMarkham I am delighted to have her as a daughter. That doesn’t mean I can’t get irritated. There are apparently a lot of saintly patient mothers on Mumsnet who never get irritated.

I think she’s trying to do a nice thing and maybe needs a bit more support, but I do understand that you are stressed at the moment.
Could you compromise and say you need more notice for something like this, make a shopping list together and plan it for next Sunday ?
Teenagers can be infuriating but she seems to be coming from a good place and not deliberately trying to annoy you.

@NotNowPlzz I get whet you are saying which is why we’ve had a chat and I’ve apologised for my part.

I think you need to give your head a wobble and practice a bit of gratitude. She is trying to do a good thing

I get you OP, especially with being so cramped in with 3 kids and a single parent. Who needs the mess of a teenager cooking?( Not me).
And no you are not the only one feeling irritated, to put it mildly!

Oh mine does this too!! Thought it was just her!

Asks to make something at a stupid time like 11pm then huffs and puffs until I say she can make it the next day. Gets mess ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE* and then expects me to go into rhapsodies about what she has made.

It does feel a bit manipulative. And annoying.

*places I found fucking icing sugar last week - inside the dishwasher handle, on a light switch, on the kettle, up the window, on the patio door (??), and especially on all the very many fucking pieces of cutlery she had used and not put in the dishwasher.