My daughter is making me lose my mind

[Ifeel1000yearsold]

Would love some perspective on this. Single parent to 3 and been stuck in lockdown for 9 weeks so feel a bit like I’m losing my perspective and have no idea if I’m being reasonable or not.

Dd16 asks to make Sunday lunch this morning. I tell her we don’t have the stuff in and also our cooker isn’t working properly (only one of the jobs). Bugs and bugs and bugs me about it until I say she can do what she wants but I want no part of it.

Then proceeds to piss around in the kitchen banging and crashing and wanting acknowledgment and praise for every single thing she’s doing. I don’t care. I didn’t want a half arsed Sunday lunch, I don’t want to be asked a million questions about it then have huffs when she doesn’t get the answers she wants.

There’s obviously loads of background to this but I just think I don’t want to have to praise and make a fuss about something I didn’t want and said I didn’t want.

I get she wants to do something nice but it feels a bit manipulative which is something that’s on going thing with her.

I am being unreasonable for being less than effusive about this lunch?

[Ifeel1000yearsold]

Thanks @HepzibarGreen

[Rosebel]

Wish one of my children would offer to cook Sunday lunch If you were cooking for her and she was moaning about it would you feel happy? Perhaps she's annoyed that she offered to cook for you and all you did was complain?

[Ifeel1000yearsold]

Thanks @DressesWithPocketsRockMyWorld. Helps to know it’s not just me in the irritated mothers club

[RigaBalsam]

I do understand what you mean OP if she just cooked and got on with it fine but you know you will have to be heavily involved which is exhausting when you are not up for it mentally.

[AllNewThings]

I have 5 DC, 3 of whom are teenagers and I totally understand the manipulative needling you describe. Teenage girls seem to be expert at it. It makes you feel guilty and ragey at the same time.

[MitziK]

When was the last time she had a proper Sunday Lunch? She's not demanding that you make it for her, she's wanting to do it for everybody - which suggests that it's something that is important to her.

Sunday Lunch is the one thing I really miss with DP. I loved getting it all ready (or having it got ready), all the different vegetables, the roast, the gravy and extras - the phrase 'sets you up for the week' really doesn't go far enough to explain how it makes me feel. Privately, I think his 'Don't care, a sandwich is fine' feels like a 'Don't care about your feelings, I can't be bothered and you're not worth bothering about either'. Especially when it gets to eight in the evening and he's still saying 'no point cooking, I'm not hungry, I'll have some crisps later'.


The oven is a problem - if it's unreliable, you can cook meat in a £20 slow cooker as a joint or portion things out so they cook quicker - when my oven packed up, I spatchcocked chicken and put it in a wok with a lid and it was really nice, cooking in a much shorter time than usual.

Calling her efforts half arsed sounds mean.


Do you resent cooking for them? That can definitely come across as a lack of caring - if she values a proper lunch that much, perhaps she's hoping for the feelings she would get from it to make you happier. So trying to show that she cares in a way that she felt you used to do - but you've rejected her out of hand.

[Scruffyoak]

My 15yr old dd is horrible with her attitude right now.

[HepzibahGreen]

I do think that it must be hardest on 16-18 year olds at the moment. Those summers are so memorable-hanging with friends, end of exams, first holidays on your own, all of that. I feel really really sorry for teens that age.. BUT it's hard on teen parents too, and a big extra helping of guilt dollloped on them (and let's face it it's only mothers that are meant to feel guilty for not cranking out Sunday Dinner!) is a bit of a low blow.
If one more person suggests baking to me as thing to get my younger teens to do I'm going to ram a 1kg bag of flour where the sun don't shine. This house is a baking free zone and I don't feel remotely guilty.
Glad you patched it up OP.

[Samtsirch]

Lol, you will be crucified for wasting s whole bag of flour like that
🤣

[francienolan]

I'm glad you patched it up, and it is a hard time for everyone for sure.

I'm wondering if maybe she needs some encouragement or praise. I bet normally she gets it from teachers and can feel good about herself. That's been taken away through no fault of her own. Maybe she needs a little more at home to make up for it? (Not suggesting you don't encourage her but there might be something missing that needs to be filled in.)

[Andi2020]

Did you think she was making it to get going out that's like something my dd would do. She has made some nice dinners and some awful ones but you have to let them learn.

[2020IsTheWorseIWantedZombies]

YABU and sound like your throwing your toys out of the pram. Grow up.

[FineWordsForAPorcupine]

This slightly reminds me of one pancake day I had with my boyfriend. I had been at work all day, and dashed home to make pancakes. In my head, this was going to be a fun, togethery thing, where we did fun cooking and he had a lovely time with his marvelous girlfriend and ate delicious pancakes.

For him, this was some weird, out of nowhere demand I placed on him, where suddenly I expected him to be excited and keen to make pancakes with me. I felt hurt and rejected, he felt blindsided and imposed upon.

It sounds like your daughter values the idea of a Sunday lunch - the togetherness, the activity, and (a bit) the warm glow of praise she gets for doing something nice. Go easy on her - actually, she's being pretty sweet.

[AllyBamma]

I think if that’s the worst you’ve got to complain about then you’re doing pretty well. Give her a break.