To ask how to overcome this sense of shame?

[everybodysstarryeyed]

I feel I've acted immaturely and shamefully and I don't know how to overcome this in order to build a successful future.
I went to university in my home town and lived with my parents as was shy and suffered low self esteem and did not not really have the inclination to engage in 'normal' university life of living away from home etc. I then got my first ever job a few years ago but still suffered dreadfully from low self esteem. If I'm being honest, the group of 'friends' I was with at school are to be brutally honest imo emotionally immature, shrinking violets also and I feel their reactions to me and their general influence has always dented my self esteem. In order to cope with my social awkwardness I admit I told my colleagues, during the course of working in my first ever job some serious lies - along the lines of -that my best friend died at the beginning of 2018. This is totally untrue. The reason I said this was that I was caught in a difficult situation and due to my low self esteem couldn't cope with it so had to explain the situation away.
Just for completion's sake - they don't know my friendship circle so the 'lie' as it were wouldn't affect anyone in the office directly. Also, I said that while I was at uni I had a daughter and that she's now living with her father. This is also completely untrue. I suspect some people saw through this but I don't know exactly - but also I feel they must have gossiped about me as some people in that office were toxic gossips. I dread to think what they said. I now work in a different department so I'm not with these people at all any more.
I'm deeply ashamed of these lies and as a result I have been overeating and piling on the pounds. Realistically, I know I can't change the past but I want the future to be as constructive as possible and not waste my life.
I'm also worried that if I ever look for another job in the same field - it may be a small pool of people and I'll be rejected automatically for being a compulsive liar as rumour will get around.
Does anyone have any advice?

If it ever comes out I'd suggest you say something like 'I don't have a daughter, I was having a few problems with my mental health back then and I think I said quite a few silly things. I don't really want to talk about it too as I'm fully recovered now"

Puffalicious - I don't blame my friends =I'm an adult and it was totally my fault any my immaturity. But I think they've contributed to my lack of confidence which I need to overcome.

Thanks biglouis - that's good advice. It's good to hear from someone who's dealt with this situation from a management side.

I agree that this is something you need some professional help with OP. There is nothing shameful about needing help

notalwaysalondoner - thing is - I don't work at all with these people anymore. - I'm in a completely different building with no chance of seeing them. Do you think I still need to move? Thanks so much for your advice though - you're absolutely right about the friends bit.

You'll be fine. They are not thinking of you anywhere near as much as you remember and think of this. Everyones done something they wish they hadn't and the fact you have mental health issues makes it more likely and easier to hurt yourself and others.

Hell, even if you killed someone your mental health is state is taken into account, so whats a few lies? I appreciate they are big fat juicy ones, but it sounds like you were ill at the time. The people you lied to have their own hidden skeletons, dont forget that. You just know yours not theirs.

Forgive yourself, get the counselling, then get a fresh start. Maybe even a new area.

Hi OP,

Unfortunately, those people you told the lies to are unlikely to forget them, as they'd be pretty juicy gossip in an office! "Luckily", you told the daughter one to uni people who you are unlikely to see again, so you can forget one. But the work people know the dead friend lie. It's a strange lie to tell, but it doesn't paint you in a bad light. Those who remember it will just think "aw, OP lost a friend, that's sad." Personally, I would forget about it, don't bring it up again.

As for the lies in general, they are very attention seeking lies. What's that about? I think what others have said about getting some counselling is a good idea. A counsellor can help you pick apart what is the root cause of this attention seeking behaviour.

When I was early teens (13-15) I was the same.

I lied about small things such as what I was doing at the weekend all the time but I also lied about having a secret boyfriend. It sounds childish but I really built up this facade about my secret boyfriend and to this day (I’m 22 now) I have not told my two best friends from school, whom I still see regularly. I still feel ashamed of this secret but I no longer tell lies other than the normal white lies and now have confidence in myself and do not feel the need to prove anything. And honestly, I think my friends know it was all bull.

I do not think counselling is necessary, you have identified that you lied due to low self esteem and a lack of contentment with your real life, you feel bad that you lied and no longer do so. Counselling is definitely helpful for processing your emotions and coming to terms with past actions but I do not believe that past lying is indicative of serious mental health problems, which I feel some PP have implied by saying you must seek counselling.

I still feel guilty about lying to my friends and I think I will always feel shame when I think back to those days, but I believe that is because it’s hard remembering how unstable and unhappy I was back then, and when I think about those lies it brings back all the memories of insecurity and inadequacy. At the end of the day you must also remember that you do not owe anyone an explanation. Your past is your past and everyone fucks up, especially under circumstances of intense social pressure like school/uni.

Be kind to yourself, focus on your future as opposed to embarrassing memories and get counselling if you think it would help you overcome these feelings of shame.

This doesn’t have to define your life going forward, it really doesn’t. You didn’t mean to hurt anyone and you haven’t. The Reverend Richard Coles, who is much loved and admired, told his friend he had HIV when he didn’t- you didn’t come close to that!

If it were me I would want to hear this: Forgive yourself. Don’t leave your job if you like it. Don’t explain yourself.

I agree you need professional help to get to the root of your compulsion to lie.
These are big things, and I think quite attention seeking lies. What purpose did these lies serve, to try and get people to like you or sympathy?
I wouldn’t compound the lie by lying about a fake boyfriend, I think if your challenged (which you probably won’t be) the best approach Would be to come clean and say it was due to a bad mental health episode and it wasn’t true.

I forgot to add the most important thing that some PP have already said: you absolutely must forgive yourself this if you want to move on! Like itworriesme said, these lies do not define you.

OP every body makes mistakes and has done things that they regret.
The important thing is to learn from the mistakes and make sure you don’t repeat them throughout your life.
I think counselling may help with your self esteem if you think that is necessary, but continuing to beat your self up for some thing you can’t go back and change will only lead to more self destructive behaviour.
You have acknowledged your mistakes and recognise it was wrong, now you need to draw a line and focus on your present and future.Be the best person you can be from now on and focus on nurturing your self esteem and having a happy, constructive life, you deserve it.
Many people have done far worse than you and wouldn’t even give it a second thought.

I think many of us won't be able to understand why you felt the need to say these things, but that doesn't matter. You're obviously struggling with this and I think counselling will help you to understand why and also guide you with how to approach your work situation, i.e., to move on or tackle things at your current place of employment, if that's something you're thinking of doing.

OP, at least you recognize that you’ve told a couple of big whoppers, unlike some people who are compulsive liars & see absolutely nothing wrong with this. People lie because they want to be accepted or because they don’t feel good enough, you are good enough OP!

Cam2020 - thanks for your kind words. - especially when you say you haven't lied to hurt anyone else - that's absolutely true

zingally - no just to clarify - it's not the uni people I told the lie of having the daughter to. It was my work colleagues. I said to my work colleagues that I'd had a daughter at uni who now lives with her father. I said the first lie when I was caught in a difficult situation - I was distressed after having to deal with a difficult customer - and it all escalated from there.

Op I’d love to know what situation you had to get out of by pretending your best friend had died. You can blame your mental health but this is pure attention seeking imo. And you don’t seem to have changed considering you’re already planning more elaborate lies to cover up the lies you’ve already told. The sensible options to me would either to be to come clean and get some help. Or leave and start afresh, and stop lying!

I think many of us won't be able to understand why you felt the need to say these things, but that doesn't matter.

It's fairly clear from the OP's posts why she told those lies. She has poor self-esteem and low confidence, and because she has in the past failed to deal with 'normally stressful' situations that are difficult for under-confident people (university life, a new job) easily, and was visibly struggling, she told significant lies to explain away to the people around her why she was visibly distraught and not managing. People will cut someone more slack for screwing up under pressure in the workplace if their best friend has just died, rather than because they just 'can't cope'. The lie about the imaginary daughter and ex at university might have been to give a shrinking violet a traumatic and interesting 'backstory', as well as a bid for sympathy.

OP, is it fair to say that now you're coping with your job, you are no longer tempted to make things up to make people feel sorry for you?

I agree about getting some counselling, it sounds like you really need to talk openly and honestly with someone who will understand and can help you.

Also, could you try some exercise? It would help you mentally and physically. Maybe an online yoga or pilates class? There are lots on YouTube. And get yourself outside for some fresh air, it always makes me feel better.

I hope this doesn't sound trite, I really think that it will boost your mood and help you deal with your problems.

I hope you are able to feel better soon.

Okay those lies are whoopers but you're not alone. Your not the first or last to do it. Low self esteem impostor syndrome feeling out of depth can bring on these things.
Guilt will pull you down, forget them you've learnt your lesson when you know better do better. Going forward you need to avoid overwhelming situations, practice talking about your interests, find a hobby, keep conversation minimal about yourself.
At least you realise I've an ex friend who lied through her teeth I knew her 30 years it was clear she was lying the scary part was she believed her own crap she'd argue when confronted and try convince me too.

I second yoga learn to focus not babble to fill a silence.

Ok you're young, you've made some mistakes, you've learned your lesson. That's it, we've all done similar, I got drunk a few times and slept with a couple of people I'd rather forget, that's my cringefest. Just tell the truth from now on and if people ask you about those lies, be honest and say you were at a low point in your life and would never do that now.

Try not to worry too much about things which have not yet happened (& may not happen!). Easy to say, I’ve had that habit too, but have worked hard on it and am quite a bit less burdened by it now.

Also, what people are saying about colleagues is very true. Work throws you together with people who very often you’d cross the street to avoid if you knew them in another context. I’ve leaned the hard way not to talk about my personal life at work, it too often does not end well. If you don’t talk about it, say “Oh, I’d rather not get into it”, or if people press you “why are you asking”, things are much easier in the long run.

Just resolve never to do it again and if anyone asks you about the dead friend or non-existent daughter say “how peculiar! I don’t recall saying that”.

Thanks PersephoneandHades - and thanks especially for sharing your own childhood experiences of this behaviour. Your post gives me hope because, as you say, the key is not to let these things define you.

OP, the best advice you are receiving here is all the posters telling you to attend professional counselling.

I understand you want to ‘fix it’ yourself but you won’t be able to. You need the support of someone who can get to the root of why you did this.

Are you able to discuss getting professional help?