Regretting TTC

[Leobynature]

I know I sound really bloody ungrateful but I’m really anxious and scared.

I am 35, 36 soon. I live with my DP of 10 years. It’s not a perfect relationship but we are committed.

In my life I have been pregnant 5 times. I had 3 abortions- 1 in my teens as I was reckless, one in my 20’s- I was on the pill and one when dd was few months old- I don’t know how I caught, I wasn’t having periods.

Anyway at 33, on the 5th cycle I became pregnant with DD and I was over the moon. I appreciate it wasn’t a long time, but it felt like it took forever too conceive with her. She was a very wanted baby. I always knew I wanted her to have a sibling and I didn’t want a huge age gap.

My DP and I started to talk about a second a few months ago. We agreed to start trying as I thought it could take few months, if not longer. I came off the pill in March, I had a period in April. We didn’t time sex. This last 10 days I have felt horrendous; tired, headaches, nausea, cramping, bloated and constipated. I took a pregnancy test this morning and it’s positive. However period not due for another 3 days.

I am absolutely shitting myself. I do not feel prepared. I have known I was pregnant for a week now and still can’t tell DP. I am worrying about everything.
• I still have 1 stone baby weight to lose from last pregnancy. Can I try to lose weight now
• I have been in my new job for 10 months now, I am assistant manager. (I do have continuous service in LA). I am scared I will now have a reputation for taking the piss.
• house suddenly feels too small- 3 bed semi with box room.
• none of my friends have children (stupid worry I know). I feel like I have now sacrificed something
• With DD I had no symptoms but spotting. I feel worse in these last few days then I did through the entire pregnancy. Is this how the rest of the pregnancy will be?

I feel really anxious like I did with the other pregnancies I ended, however I will continue with this as I ‘asked’ for it and I’m 37 next year so time is not on my side.

Have I been completely stupid?

I’m sorry but it does sound irresponsible and immature when you say you’ve had 3 abortions and that now you’re on your fifth pregnancy (which you planned) you’re unhappy and suddenly have loads of concerns...that’s something you should’ve considered before surely?

Thanks @Justkeepswimmingdory I am also hoping in time I will get excited. With DD it was instant and we celebrated straight away. I will tell DP and I know he will be pleased. His more rational than I am and he knows what we did.

@Jasmineben I obviously didn’t know I was going to feel anxious did I? How would I have known this? And I didn’t feel anxious with DD either I felt bloody ecstatic to be honest so I expected to feel like this.

You didn’t know you’d be anxious but the things you’re now worried about like your job and your house..those are big issues that surely when planning to have a baby you consider beforehand rather than getting pregnant then panicking. Anxiety or not, the job and the house needs to be a consideration that happens before a planned pregnancy to avoid stress like this that you have now

Firstly, anyone with the judgement can sod off.

OP, I think this is pretty normal. I've also had an abortion, and a miscarriage in my twenties that I would have aborted. I had my DD, ridiculously happy. DH always wanted two children if we could and eventually after nearly 4 years we TTC and I fell pregnant after about five months too.

And all I did was freak out. I hated the pregnancy. I could only think about the negative things about having a baby. I was pissed off about how having two children might affect my career and my friendships and all kinds of things. I developed antenatal depression. It was shit, and I secretly regretted it a lot.

One thing that helped at the time was my GP who shared how she had felt the same during her second pregnancy; it made me feel less alone.

DS is 3.5 now and all is great, those negative feelings passed once he was born. But it was so hard at the time. Be kind to yourself, try and talk to people you feel comfortable with, and if you can, try and find some small positives x

Leo, hang in there. I think you are suffering pregnancy depression- not as well known as PND, but very debilitating.

I had it awfully with DS2. He was much planned for and wanted, but like you after a week of feeling rough I suddenly realised I was pregnant. No joy, no elation, just dread.

It's hormonal, not real, try and ignore the feelings and concentrate on going through the motions of being glad about it. This is what you wanted, this is part of the plan, don't let hormones mess with you!

I seriously can't get over you having 3 abortions

I hate it say this but it could be twins as you have the exaggerated pregnancy symptoms. Hope it all goes well for you.

As pp said you can consciously try for a baby and then still feel really anxious when it succeeds - I did! I don’t think you should worry about the house, it might be a bit of a pain in the arse to move house with two kids but not the end of the world. I think you need to just put one foot in front of the other and one day you will feel a lot less anxious. Don’t over analyse too much for the time being and don’t be too hard on yourself

Ignore people banging on about abortions. These are not the point of the thread. People post for help and reassurance and then get made to feel a zillion times worse every day on mumsnet. If you have no helpful reply just click on

Hi OP, ignore the unhelpful and judgmental replies, this is AIBU after all. I think you would have received better answers if you had posted in Pregnancy, but that's by the by.

What you are feeling is completely normal. It's cold feet, I had this too with all my pregnancies, both the first two, which were planned, and especially with DC3, which wasn't planned.

The hormones and the sickness are making you question your decision, but please don't worry, you can definitely manage with a box room for the baby, and work will get over it. You don't have to tell them until you've had your 20 week scan, which is 4 months away.

Don't blame yourself for not feeling excited, having a baby is a huge responsibility and it is normal to panic in the beginning..give yourself time to get used to the idea.

Thanks all for your replies. I feeling a lot less anxious than this morning.

Honestly, it's completely normal, but talk to your GP or midwife if you feel the anxiety is getting too much.
When pregnant with DC2 I felt so guilty that DC1 would have to 'share' me, but now I know giving DC1 a sibling was a great gift. They are the best of friends.
If you do post again, consider the Pregnancy board, you will always get sympathy over there [tea]

Not to minimise how you're feeling, but those all sound like manageable worries and so it's likely just early pregnancy hormones talking. I also have anxiety and am due with my first tomorrow, and whilst I'm really excited, I still have the odd moment of thinking 'shit, what if i' ve made a terrible mistake?! '

It's good that you can pinpoint exactly what's worrying you as that'll make it a lot easier to work through each problem. Plus, you've done it once before, so you that puts you in a good position to get through this a second time round!

Once you've told your partner that'll no doubt lift a lot of the anxiety. He'll be able to support you, and you'll have someone to share the excitement with. No doubt he'll be thrilled! And if you need any extra support, you're midwife or GP will be able to help. Good luck, and congratulations!

Sounds like normal preggo freak out to me. Consider nature's way of making sure you are ultra vigilant about prepping the nest for your new one. Not sharing the news and articulating your fears just allows it to multipy in your head. Share with DH, let him look after you and reassure you and remind your self that your worries are hormonal in the main. Keep it all in context and you will diminish the power these thoughts have. Congratulations too 💐

I have 3 dc. Dc 2 and 3 where planned.
When we planned dc2 it was just after a miscarrage and happened really fast. We where delighted.
When we decided to have dc3. We imagined it taking about 6 months to conceive as we where older and had a lot more on with 2 dc. Plus we didnt think we would be that lucky again.
I fell pregnant in my first cycle again. We where bloody shocked it happened so fast. I did have about 4 days thinking to myself what have we done. Dc3 is now here and we could not be happier.
I would advise talking to your partner.
You made this decision togther and he will want to support you and reassure you at this time.
If you cant talk to him, talk to a freind or family. You need that emotional support.
Good luck op

It is not unusual to start trying for a baby and then getting a shock when it happens very soon.I have a few friends who have expressed this. I wouldnt worry about your employer, a lot of women have more than one child. With the weight, I also wouldnt worry. This has also happened with some friends and because they had weight to lose, they ate very healthy with preganacy and ended up the same end weight for both pregnancies. Best of luck OP

I seriously can't get over you having 3 abortions

It's a good job it's got fuck all to do with you then isn't it.

I don’t think it’s that unusual to think ‘shit what have I done’ or worry about whether it is a good idea when finding out your pregnant. I’ve been pregnant 4 times, 3 were planned and every time I’ve panicked when finding out I’m pregnant and even considered abortion. It’s a huge life change and I’m sure you’ll feel more positive about it in time. I’ve just had my second baby and so pleased I had her despite all my anxieties.
Good luck with everything.

@Leobynature nothing to add that wiser posters have already said regarding your anxious thoughts but I just wanted to lend my voice to the chorus of IGNORE THE JUDGEMENTAL TWOTS. Frankly I think it’s disgusting that you’re being criticised for your past choices. Big Unmumsnetty hug from me and congratulations on your pregnancy

Women are very very fertile after birthing a kid, so bear this in mind for the next time. I know so many women who say they’re shocked to be impregnated, yet they say they’d been having unprotected sex. I don’t understand. Bare dicks + vagina = risk of producing offspring.
It is a terrifying and awful era to be making more humans, so your anxiousness is reasonable, can your boyfriend be vasectomised? No future shocks and you can live life without the risk of being impregnated again.

It just sounds like you are feeling anxious about everything which is understandable.

Why don’t you tell your DP and talk it through with him and let him know how you are feeling?