To think my family is going to fall apart?

[Marylou62]

I am one of 5. 4 brothers and me. Elderly parents (80 and 83) both with serious underlying health conditions. I live 300+ miles away and although furloughed haven't visited as following rules and worried I could take the virus to them.
Wife of DB3 (SIL )won't be told anything. She is a difficult woman but lovely with my rather cantankerous DF. She is still working full time as a carer, in and out of numerous clients houses.
I knew DB3 who is furloughed had been inside their house with DN 13 as DM let that slip.(to install a TV) I have tried to reason with my parents about this but they are adults.
I have an awful feeling that I will never see them alive again as I know they have been shopping and to the garden centre. I have told them this.
DB4 has had the virus and shops for them, collects medication etc but even he doesn't go in their house. DB2 has taken items to them and leaves them by the back door.
DB2 rings today to let me know that my DM has been taken to the Drs by DB3 with a temp and breathlessness..Dr took blood but says highly unlikely to be CV?! DM now home.
DB2 then tells me that DB4 is absolutely fuming as when he took shopping to DM a few days ago (didn't tell me as they know there is nothing I can do and will worry) he put the shopping on the step, rang the bell and went to the gate..When DM opened the door there standing behind her in the tiny porch was SIL!
They both rang DB3 who was very blase and stated that she wears PPE and washes her hands. Which even tho I'm sure is true WHY IS SHE VISITING!
DB4 has said if our parents do get the virus that he will never talk to DB3 and SIL again..DB2 has said that they could get the virus from any one of the uneccessary trips to the chemist, shop, garden centre..
DB2 told me that he has tried to reason with DPs. DB1 who works abroad has too. DB4 who knows what the virus feels like has tried to reason with them.They have all tried to tell their brother that he could have to live with the consequences of knowing that they might have been the ones who bought the virus to DPs door but he's certain that they are careful.
There is no answer is there? I'm helpless. Even if I rage at my SIL it's not going to make a difference. I feel sick, helpless, angry and so so worried that this will fracture my family.. I think it already has. Thanks for listening.

It is a mess and it sounds so familiar. My sister is golden child and her children are the golden grandchildren. Neither we nor my parents speak right now after many years of me being made to feel like I was always in the wrong.

But it is the choices your parents are making that are responsible for any fallout between your siblings. Are they aware of the tensions between the brothers?

I know the journey is long (we drive it for Devon and Cornwall holiday) but I would look into making it work. Can you drive down in time for lunch, visit for a little while and nap in the car before driving back? Pitch a tent at the end of the garden? For one visit right now, it might make all the difference. Certainly you would be able to see for yourself what is happening.

I sympathise OP. And as you say, I think the broader issue here is the rift with family and friends that this situation has caused for many of us.

I’ve had to step back from a couple of friends because our opinions on the “rules” are so different, and I’m worried I’ll say something that causes permanent damage to the friendship.
I think in your situation you probably have to just accept that this is the way it is. Your parents and brothers and SILs have seen the same news coverage and guidance as you have. They’ve chosen to interpret it differently, and no amount of begging and pleading has changed that. I think any further dialogue is likely to cause more arguments, but without actually changing anyone’s behaviour.
Hopefully your parents will be fine, and eventually you can all move on from this. But having said my piece atbthe outset, I’d now adopt the “least said soonest mended” approach.

Thankyou Mini and Minty..what you both said makes sense..Mini..I am a peacemaker and have a confrontation phobia..My SILs have all been childhood sweethearts so in my life a long time..2 since primary school. There has been plenty of bitching between them but I have always been worried about a massive fall out so been neutral..I learnt from my mother who had an evil MIL and bends over backwards to be the best MIL she could be..all my SILs love her..the thought of not speaking to some people in my family fills me with dread
I must say again that I totally except my DPs right and need to invite who ever they want into their house..It's the accepting of the invitation that has gutted me, as surely you would stand at the gate and say that you wont come in as it's a risk? Like every other member of the family has done.

Mini..as I have said up post I am lucky that my DPs try their hardest to love all 12 GC equally..of course there is a bit of favouritism as the two youngest were cared for by my DM after retirement and actually saved her sanity as my DF can be demanding and it got her out of the house.. But I have absolutely no uncertainly about their love for all of us..it's no secret that SIL has placed herself as mother of the Golden Grandchildren but we are (have been?) a stable family that's let her get on with thinking that.

Minty..I really really hope when this is all over and my DPs are still here that my DB and SIL can say to me..'see..you fussed over nothing..' And I will take that and say..'yes I did'..let's hope that's the outcome eh?