To think my family is going to fall apart?

[Marylou62]

I am one of 5. 4 brothers and me. Elderly parents (80 and 83) both with serious underlying health conditions. I live 300+ miles away and although furloughed haven't visited as following rules and worried I could take the virus to them.
Wife of DB3 (SIL )won't be told anything. She is a difficult woman but lovely with my rather cantankerous DF. She is still working full time as a carer, in and out of numerous clients houses.
I knew DB3 who is furloughed had been inside their house with DN 13 as DM let that slip.(to install a TV) I have tried to reason with my parents about this but they are adults.
I have an awful feeling that I will never see them alive again as I know they have been shopping and to the garden centre. I have told them this.
DB4 has had the virus and shops for them, collects medication etc but even he doesn't go in their house. DB2 has taken items to them and leaves them by the back door.
DB2 rings today to let me know that my DM has been taken to the Drs by DB3 with a temp and breathlessness..Dr took blood but says highly unlikely to be CV?! DM now home.
DB2 then tells me that DB4 is absolutely fuming as when he took shopping to DM a few days ago (didn't tell me as they know there is nothing I can do and will worry) he put the shopping on the step, rang the bell and went to the gate..When DM opened the door there standing behind her in the tiny porch was SIL!
They both rang DB3 who was very blase and stated that she wears PPE and washes her hands. Which even tho I'm sure is true WHY IS SHE VISITING!
DB4 has said if our parents do get the virus that he will never talk to DB3 and SIL again..DB2 has said that they could get the virus from any one of the uneccessary trips to the chemist, shop, garden centre..
DB2 told me that he has tried to reason with DPs. DB1 who works abroad has too. DB4 who knows what the virus feels like has tried to reason with them.They have all tried to tell their brother that he could have to live with the consequences of knowing that they might have been the ones who bought the virus to DPs door but he's certain that they are careful.
There is no answer is there? I'm helpless. Even if I rage at my SIL it's not going to make a difference. I feel sick, helpless, angry and so so worried that this will fracture my family.. I think it already has. Thanks for listening.

OP, I understand your worries, my dps are in their 80s and in fairly good health, between me and my dd we have managed to get them all they need but I am becoming increasingly concerned for their mental health, they are very lucky, they have a lovely home and garden, they potter etc, but my god they are missing us so badly. Both have stated now that life is not worth living without family around (we are a very sociable family). There will come a point now where rules are broken, both my dbs who live 100s of miles away are aware of this and agree that we must now do as we see fit, we are on hand, they are not, I have come to the point where I now think its increasingly cruel to blindly follow 'rules' that are doing harm to very elderly people, sure, keep away ffrom them they may live to be 100, no bloody point though if they are miserable, lonely and very unhappy.

Lampan..what orders?

Babes you are right..I dont disagree.. But this visiting has been going on since lockdown..

to be honest I would say that if this has been going on since lockdown its now a bit late to worry.

What will be will be now.

OP, I have been to both the supermarket and the garden centre. Both places have 2 metre rules in place and have sanitized trollies. Pottering round my garden has done wonders for my mental health.

My friend, on the other hand, is very anxious and only going shopping once a week, bleaching his tins, putting his clothes straight into the washing machine and getting in the shower. I have stood at his garden gate to check he is ok and can see the fear in his face, he says his heart is in his mouth every time he goes out.

We all have choices

I wonder if your parents just don’t care about the risks. Both are 80+ and may value quality of life over quantity at this stage.

If your parents are happy to accept them into the house then everyone else needs to butt the hell out. They are grown adults and are probably lonely as hell not seeing anyone.
At least your sil is providing some company, it’s not like you can see them when you live hundreds of miles away but have the cheek to moan about a women that cares about your parents.

@bluebellforest836 give your head a wobble. If she cared about her pil's she wouldn't risk their lives.

OP I'm with you. I would love to return to the UK to see my df but as I would have to travel through Paris and London I would be a bigger risk to him and have nowhere to isolate either before or after June 8th.
I am consumed with anxiety that I won't see him again and I would be so angry if I thought anyone was putting him in danger of catching the virus.

OP, I feel for you.

My own sis is in and out of our (not elderly) parents house and my mum has outright said that me and my other siblings should be going too as she misses us! No talking to some people who think they are made of teflon.

I would be furious with your SIL. If they don't require any care I would really question her motives. If she really thought that they needed company why didn't she talk to your brothers about it? Very sneaky.

Thankyou everyone..even you Blue who know nothing of my situation.
I am calmer now and won't be raging against anyone. This isn't a post about my DPs right to live their lives as they want. I said this in my OP..It's about the potential fall out between my DBs and DB3s potential realization that it was their actions that caused it..I adore all my brothers and I have always been the peacemaker as an older sister..I vowed never to take sides and get along with all 4 SILs. Thanks for the advice.

Taking the virus out of the equation - you have a large family some of whom (DB2 and 4) you get on better with than others (DB3 and SIL).

When your parents eventually die, you would probably naturally have a lot more to do with the ones who you have more in common with, and a lot less with the ones you don't.

At the moment it is only your DM who keeps you, DB3 and SIL having to rub along together.

If you could view it less as falling apart and more as just 5 people growing up. Trying to keep 5 people, and their partners as close as you were as little children is going to be like herding cats. You do need to allow for adult relationships where you all have different opinions and some of you head off in different directions.

@Coffeecak3 - give your own head a wobble. maybe their mental health is more of a risk now To them then the virus, They are adults and can make there own choices. Maybe they would rather have some company then sit and stare at the same walls 24/7.

Blue..as an aside I would like to just say a few things..Since my DF became seriously unwell over 25 years ago I have questioned my decision to settle so far away..not a day goes by that I don't question it..But I did make that decision and can't change that.
So does that mean I then forfeited my 'right' to have any say in my family? I have a good relationship with my DBs and my DPs and do what I can as often as I can. My own DBs hold no grudge against me for 'not doing my bit'. I'm the one they call if they're worried about DPs and I'm on the phone or driving through the night to be involved..
I often think if I knew how hard this would be would I have settled so far away..

I'd be furious.

give your own head a wobble. maybe their mental health is more of a risk now To them then the virus, They are adults and can make there own choices. Maybe they would rather have some company then sit and stare at the same walls 24/7.

If they really needed company the brother who has previously been infected and now is probably immune would be far less risky than a visit from the sister-in-law who presumably visits many houses.

Anna..thankyou..you are right in some aspects..but we are all in our 50s and have always got along well if not perfectly..I never said I got on better with some brothers than others..I have always tried to be neutral..I love them all equally.. DB3 and SIL are the ones I see most of. They visit me down where I live 3x a year..But you are right about DPs being the glue..DB2 comes to see me when I visit DPs for the nice biscuits that MY DM buys for my DCs!!

I can understand it’s worrying for you but just need to point out that there are few things more frustrating that a far-away relative (who isn’t involved in day-to-day support in normal times) sending orders from afar

This ^ it happens in my family and it’s infuriating.

I think this is one of those times where you may just have to step back from DB3 and 4's relationship and let whatever will be, be. Maybe let them know that everyone is entitled to make their own choices and that person will have to live with the consequences if the worst happens.

Your SIL is a carer and therefore in and out of similar people's homes all day every day. She and therefore DB3 won't be seeing this in the same way as the rest of you are. It may be why she is visiting - because she is used to providing this kind of service so they are doing everyone a favour by doing it for free right now. DB4 is doing his bit by helping with the shopping and medications, but does he know how well his parents are functioning in lockdown on a daily basis. Is he simply transferring his guilt about not doing more to his brother because he wants to and is unable to help more or is he using lockdown as a convenient excuse to not get involved. You know your siblings best.

DB4 could let his parents and brother know how worried he is for them with kindness rather than fear and anger towards his brother and his wife. But ultimately if anything happens to your parents, everyone needs to realise that it is your parents who have made the choices who have put them at risk. They are choosing to invite people into their home. They are choosing to go out, shopping, to garden centres. No one is holding a gun to their head and telling them to do this.

Your parents may simply feel that at their age and with existing conditions that Covid is just another thing to deal with if and when it comes. If I were you I would take advantage of furlough and make some socially distanced visits to your parents. You can sit in the garden at a safe distance, take your own seat and refreshments so as not to put your parents out. It might help you see what might be really going on.

Perhaps they're bored and lonely don't want to live out what might be their limited time in complete seclusion? As their child you're focused on extending their life as long as possible, and that's completely natural, but perhaps some of the elderly people who are behaving in a way we see as reckless, don't want to live like that and would rather take the chance? There's no guarantee in life, is there, even when you do all the right things.

Mr..you are so right. Can I just say that although life has changed for my DPs..and I get that they get lonely but they have 3 adult sons, 3 adult DIL, 9 adult GC (3 here in Cornwall who phone and facetime regularly)and 3 younger GC . My DBs have set up a rota for shopping and medication drop offs..They stand at the gate for a chat..5 adult GC drive and do deliveries too.They have a beautiful garden which they have always enjoyed and a little rescue dog which they can walk safetly around the woodland where they live chatting to lovely neighbours as they go...they are not staring at blank walls 24/7.

Mini..I agree with a lot of what you have said..It's a 6 hour drive ..12 hour round trip..I would have to stay overnight with someone..Who? Don't think I haven't thought about it..

Just to point out that apart from shopping which my DM was quiet capable of untill lockdown and the letter arriving, that they needed no care..In fact my DM often said to me that she resented feeling like one of SILs clients.

Interesting that DB3 and his 'difficult' wife are the ones that visit you 3x a year ... in Cornwall.

Could they also be currying favour with your parents for themselves and their 'special' grandchildren?

Sorry Match I don't understand the question..