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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want dp to bugger off every sunday for 12 hours to do his bloody hobby

31 replies

pyjamagirl · 20/09/2007 08:56

Ok so he used to be a DJ and he gort offered a show on a new station

he works during the week but he wants to travel by train every sunday and spend 12 hours at the station while I stay at home and look after our 5 dc .

Everyone else keeps saying it's a fantastic oppurtunity but they dont have 5 dc to look after alone every sunday .

I hate how he gets to be selfish and I get stuck at home with dc and nobodys patting me on the back

I know I sound a selfish bitch but wheres my bloody time .

I know he'll end up going I just want someone to tell me i'm not been a selfish cow and that he is been unreasonable expecting to do this (with no pay except expenses) every sunday

OP posts:

LilRedWG · 20/09/2007 08:56

YANBU

bossykate · 20/09/2007 08:57

i only had to read the thread title. YANBU.

AnguaVonUberwald · 20/09/2007 09:01

YANBU

SpacePuppy · 20/09/2007 09:01

can't he compromise by giving 2 evenings a week to yourself? It is hard, but he will probably be miserable if he can't take the opportunity.

expatinscotland · 20/09/2007 09:03

I think you should get either two week nights off per week OR the entire Saturday.

Get a hobby. Then get active in it and go and do it at weekends.

Get into hillwalking or cycling, join a club, then have an excuse to fark off the way he does.

gibberish · 20/09/2007 09:05

No. It's not the time for him to be doing this. Fine if they had offered him a full-time job, but taking it in his, and your free time is not on. And doing it for no money is absolutely ridiculous - why is that a fantastic opportunity?

Hassled · 20/09/2007 09:07

YANBU - but the only way you will get to claw back the time is if you get a hobby of your own which involves time outside the house, as Expat says. You don't sound like a selfish bitch - once in a while I could cope with, but not every Sunday.

BandofMothers · 20/09/2007 09:08

Not unreasonable if you look after them all the time. At the weekends I would at least expect some help with them, if not some time off myself.

Agree with Expat, get a hobby you can do on Sunday.
5 dc's FGS, that is hard work. Maybe he can do it once a mth or something. It can't ALL be about him.

gibberish · 20/09/2007 09:13

BTW, I can sympathise. Not long after I had my 4th, dh took up cricket again. Played every weekend, Saturday and Sunday, not getting back until 10pm. I moaned and groaned for a while before completely flipping and walking out with the kids. A bit extreme (there were other factors, obviously) but it shook him up and he gave it up. Plays very occasionally now. I am only telling you this to show that I can understand how you feel, absolutely NOT to advise you to leave him!!! Can completely understand your frustration.

Have you talked to him and told him how you feel?

prettymum · 20/09/2007 09:24

ynbu

my dp works 5 days a week, gets wedsnesday and sunday off. i work weekends.

dp sorts his car business out on wednesdays and goes off to play cricket on sundays! im getting really f*** off because i end up having to do dinner and bedtime literally every night including weekends straight after work! i have absolutely no me time except in evening but theres nothing for me to outside of home in the evening and its really started to get me really down recently!

HuwEdwards · 20/09/2007 09:26

5DC? you deserve a medal the size of a bloody dustbin lid. Def not unreasonable.

expatinscotland · 20/09/2007 09:27

Join a bookclub, pretty. That meets on evenings during the week.

Don't have one?

Make one up.

prettymum · 20/09/2007 09:39

i dont know many people around my area, will have to go somewhere local and see if theres any activities for the evening.

i could join one of the classes in the local gym and leave home as soon as dp gets home from work and leave him no choice but to put dc into bed!

glitterchick · 20/09/2007 09:46

YANBU. No way. He needs to cop on to himself.

choosyfloosy · 20/09/2007 09:49

Speaking as a person who is guiltily but excitedly about to start a four-year degree which means a massive step up in childcare for dh, I have some sympathy when those amazing opportunities come along.

But it sounds appalling. What about another person to be with you all on Sundays? Could paying for that count as an expense which the station would pay?? sounds unlikely but until you ask...

TinyGang · 20/09/2007 09:50

YANBU.

Maybe it is a great opportunity but it's not the right time. He should shelve it or ensure you have more help and some time off too. It's not fair at all on you.

I'm sure you could do lots of things equally advantageous to you for 12 hours on a Sunday, but you don't because you have 5 dc.

I speak as someone who has put feet firmly down on dh's Sunday hobby in the past. Not 12 hour stints regularly it's true, but dh's hobby has caused friction because of the time it takes up on a Sunday.

expatinscotland · 20/09/2007 09:55

go straight from work, pretty. don't bother going home.

join a gym and stay there for a couple of hours after work.

ladymuck · 20/09/2007 10:12

I think that it is good for parents to have hobbies. I generally find people with hobbies and who pursue a range of interests more interesting to talk to and be with. And it is something I want to model to my children.

But you must have some sort of agreement between you as to how you share your time. You do need me-time too. Unfortunately it looks as if many of your hobbies are ones that are best pursued at home minus kids. Perhaps the tit for tat is that you send him out with the 5 dcs on a Saturday morning (he may have to rope someone else in as I suspect that it is harder to entertain the children outside of the house than in). Or you can find something to enjoy that takes you out of the house (and he can pay for babysitter/childminder etc). He does need to appreciate that there can be a cost to pursuing hobbies - he may be viewing that his hobby is free because you are looking after the children, but you could for example go to a cookery course during the day and get some "me-time" that way.

I would be loathe to force him to give up a hobby without looking at alternative ways of redressing the balance first. That said 12 hours on a Sunday is a huge chunk out of "family time". You also need to make sure that there is enough time booked in for just the two of you in order to keep your relationnshuip healthy. The 12 hour sessions wouldn't work here as dh rarely gets home in time to see the dcs during the week, but he has been known to spend 8 hours on a Sunday on music say.

As an aside dh and I have started a WSET Wine Appreciation course (there is reading homework and an exam at the end) Ds1 proudly told his teacher "Mum and Dad start their wine drinking lessons tonight!"

Original poster

pyjamagirl · 20/09/2007 15:15

updateI tackled him about this and basically I either put up with him been away on sundays or I will have to cope with been a single parent (his words not mine)

He basicallky says that he is moving out as I am been selfish
funny yesterday I was asking for advice about our wedding on here now it looks like I may be heading for the lone parents section

OP posts:

stressteddy · 20/09/2007 15:18

Oh PJ that's awful
Are you ok?

Original poster

pyjamagirl · 20/09/2007 15:21

I am ok he has gone to pick up dc then he says he is going

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 20/09/2007 15:22

He's pretty selfish to use a fucking DJ hobby as an excuse to blow apart his entire family.

There are a lot of women with utter twunts for partners on this board, but he really takes the biscuit.

stressteddy · 20/09/2007 15:23

Start another thread hon if you need to talk
People won't necessarily know what's happening from the title on this thread
Love to you

Original poster

pyjamagirl · 20/09/2007 15:24

thankyou I probably will do later when the dc are in bed

OP posts:

stressteddy · 20/09/2007 15:26

I'm going now but hope you are ok
Come on later
See you then
xx

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