To not open the door

[hoolahoola22]

My dad just turned up at my house, I didn't know he was coming, wasn't expecting a delivery so when the door went i ignored it, he kept knocking and ringing the doorbell so I had a look to see who it was (he didn't see me) then started ringing my phone, my dd was down for a nap but wasn't asleep yet so she started screaming and crying, he knew I was in obviously, I didn't open the door as I knew he would force his way in and I have been following the rules, he text me again saying he was in the area and wanted to see us, and that he's left some sweets on he doorstep, now I feel bad.my youngest dd is 2 she doesn't understand social distancing so I couldn't have sat with him in the garden, I think I made the right decision not opening the door, wibu

[B1rdbra1n]

Please build stronger boundaries OP!

[FleecyMoo]

Electrify your doorbell?

Seriously, why not just tell him he's not welcome to call at your home? If you dislike him/find his behaviour abhorrent what is stopping you telling him he's not welcome? Have you got an OH who will support your decision or does he also hide from visitors? If he does, I honestly think you need some sort of therapy to overcome your fears.

[Savingshoes]

Me me me me.
What about how you made him feel?

My dad's pushy, wouldn't have taken much to answer the phone and communicate your concerns.

He clearly misses you and your family.

[Megatron]

I think it's unfair for people to assume that they understand the dynamics of the OPs relationship with her dad.

It may not have been what I would have done but she obviously felt it was the sensible option for her and her children.

[heartsonacake]

YANBU. He shouldn’t have been knocking on your door in the first place.

I don’t answer the door if I’m not expecting someone/something. There’s no need for me to; it wont benefit me. I think people just dropping round is rude and I won’t entertain their whims.

[T0tallyFuckedUpFamily]

Me me me me.
What about how you made him feel?

Why should she? He didn’t give a shit about the fact that there’s a pandemic, waking OP’s child, considering if she might be getting ready for work, or trying to enter her house in the middle of a PANDEMIC! Being her father or a man, doesn’t make him right!

[PoetaDeLosSandwiches]

He clearly misses you and your family.

Maybe he is just bored.

I'm plenty bored in lockdown. Why do you think I spend so much time on MN?

[FleecyMoo]

@heartsonacake
That is far from typical behaviour. I have been ordering quite a few things online recently and so has my son. It is not possible to know in most instances exactly what day or specific time they will be delivered.

Could you benefit from a Ring doorbell? Not got one myself because I am prepared to answer my door and don't think that it is bad manners to knock on a door or ring a bell.

I am mystified by the fact that every visitor to your home has to 'benefit' you. What if they are lost or have a parcel for your neighbour who is out? Have you never felt good about helping someone other than yourself? I am also puzzled by the 'whims' of others that you are not prepared to indulge. You don't sound like a lot of fun to be truthful.

[T0tallyFuckedUpFamily]

Isn’t it funny how many posters are telling the OP that she’s unreasonable not to let a man who hasn’t been following distancing rules, into her house, yet on another thread the poster is being told that her mil is unreasonable for entering her house unannounced, even though she lives next door.

[heartsonacake]

I am mystified by the fact that every visitor to your home has to 'benefit' you. What if they are lost or have a parcel for your neighbour who is out?

FleecyMoo I’m not google; if someone is lost they can look it up. I’m also not the post office delivery centre, so if a neighbour has a parcel delivered it can go to their own house or the actual delivery centre.

We don’t order a lot online and anything I do order is tracked so I know when it’s coming. I won’t be getting a ring doorbell. It’s rude to turn up on others unannounced; family, friends or strangers.

[KingOfDogShite]

He's not even local, he's come here obviously as he's bored cos he's not working

Or he loves you and his grandchildren and misses you and wants to see you.

Why the fuck wouldn’t you just talk to him at the door?

[barshinskaya]

Makes no difference to me but I do wonder how you survive in the real world out there? I own a shop and I'd be scuppered if I refused to open the door to strangers, let alone my own relatives grin. Do some of you have the full moat, drawbridge and boiling oil combinations ready to foil unwanted visitors, well that's all visitors isn't it?

There are a lot of stupid comments on this thread, but this is the most stupid. I presume you own a shop because you get something out of it, i.e., money. I presume your expectations when you open your shop door is that you will get polite customers, who will be there to buy something (thus benefitting you greatly), and then leaving in a timely fashion. Now imagine someone barging into your shop just as you were about to close for the day. Imagine them refusing to leave because they are just browsing, and shouldn't you be grateful for a customer? Now imagine them breaking or consuming some of your goods; imagine them haranguing you for the goods that you sell. What have you got in the stock room, can they have a look? Why not? You are hurting their feelings, they are a customer, they are here to help your business, what's wrong with you. Imagine them demanding to use your loo, your kitchen, your private space. Do you? Or do you have some boundaries?

Now apply a metaphor of that situation to a very private person who's personal time is their "shop". They are open for business when they are ready and willing to be open. However, they are being barged into outside of their mental "opening hours". Peace of mind/free time/alone time swallowed up by someone not welcome, goods (their time) consumed, stockroom (their boundaries) plundered, facilities (both real and metaphorical in the mental health sense) used up. And, unlike you and your shop, they get nothing to show for it.

It never fails to amaze me that people on this site can't put themselves into the shoes of someone who does not have a happy history with their parents and at best has an uneasy present relationship. This does not mean that the OP or anyone else in a similar situation can't survive in the real world. She's about to go out to work, which I would say is ample proof that she is just fine.

OP, you maybe didn't handle it in the best possible way, but you are not unreasonable to turn your father away. Obviously there's some history here. Define your boundaries and stick to them. Don't be guilted by the "he might die and you'll regret it" brigade. He might also live to 100 and spend it all ruining yours. Do what's right for your own mental health.

[FleecyMoo]

@barshinskaya,

Wow, such a lot of confused imagery in your post. I will try to unpick what you have said but it won't be easy!

Firstly, you seem quite surprised or even aggrieved that I need my shop to make a profit. Do you know any other shops, other than charity shops staffed by volunteers, that don't aim to make a profit? Believe me I wouldn't have a shop if I followed that business model. I need to pay my mortgage and put food on the table the same as everyone else and I am not dealing in anything remotely illegal/immoral I assure you


Do I expect all my customers to be nice, polite people? Well no, because as you have seen on this thread people act in all sorts of ways. You find me odd for thinking that it is not a breach of etiquette to knock on someone's door or ring their bell and I find you equally odd to think that it is.

As for customer barging in. I'm not selling CBD type products or alcohol so I have a reasonable expectation that they won't be barging in demanding my goods. They do sometimes overstay their welcome though and I have to gently remind them that the shop is about to shut.

So far no-one has 'gone postal' and ransacked my shop and I have no great expectation of this happening. I do allow them to use the customer toilet.

I don't think your 'metaphor' stretches to include my home because I don't have any unpleasant friends or relatives who would act in the way you describe. If I did they would not be welcomed into my house but I would make that perfectly clear by speaking to them, not by hiding from them.

I am also not sure why you feel I lack empathy? Do you think the poster who never answers her door unless she is guaranteed to receive some 'benefit' might lack empathy? I am currently supporting two elderly neighbours with their shopping due to the pandemic. I have numerous rescue animals. I've never been called un- empathetic by anyone before. I admit to being assertive, not aggressive but definitely assertive, and I do set boundaries. Because of this I never have to hide when my doorbell rings or my shop door opens.

[heartsonacake]

I admit to being assertive, not aggressive but definitely assertive, and I do set boundaries. Because of this I never have to hide when my doorbell rings

FleecyMoo I am also assertive, and I too set boundaries. Hence why nobody we would consider close to us would be rude enough to just pop round unannounced.

I’m not hiding from anyone; I don’t make it a secret I’m in the house if someone knocks. I simply don’t answer if I’m not expecting anyone because I just don’t want to.

[FOJN]

I am mystified by the fact that every visitor to your home has to 'benefit' you.

Err because it's MY home, MY sanctuary. I'm not obligated to spend my every waking moment thinking about how I might serve the rest of the world. My front door is the boundary between public and private and once on the private side I can please myself.

[Primadonna1]

You are weird -

[understandmenow]

I don’t answer the door if I’m not expecting someone/something. There’s no need for me to; it wont benefit me. I think people just dropping round is rude and I won’t entertain their whims.

A true batshit crazy mumsnetter!

[Whataloadofshite]

This would have freaked me out too. I don't blame you for not answering the door. My family know full well NEVER to turn up unannounced because it's not something I can cope with, and if they did that now during lockdown? Nope.

[hoolahoola22]

He hasn't seen us since Xmas lockdown has been since march, if he missed us he would have seen us before, hes just bored as hes not working or out and about

[Whataloadofshite]

You need to send a text telling him not to turn up in future, and be firm about it - absolutely use the lockdown rules as a reason. Stand up to him. Excuses like being in the bath won't hold for long. It sounds like he will just keep coming back otherwise, even though he's not local.

[longsigh]

@AllIMissNowIsTheSea
YABN- You Are Both Nutters - will that do? 😂

[XDownwiththissortofthingX]

@Fleecymoo

Do you 'non door answerers' lie on the floor behind your sofa and turn off all the lights when the doorbell rings? I am genuinely puzzled that so many of you are either a) too precious to bother with what may after all be mere riff raff on your doorstep b) a stranger!!! c) a hated family member, of whom some of you seem to have a surfeit confused

Nope, I just continue doing whatever it was I was doing when they knocked my door. Couldn't give a toss whether they realise I'm in or not. There's nothing at all that compels me to respond to an unsolicited knock at the door.

[heartsonacake]

Do you 'non door answerers' lie on the floor behind your sofa and turn off all the lights when the doorbell rings?

Nope. I carry on as normal. I don’t care if they know I’m in or if they think I’m rude; I think they’re rude for knocking unannounced.

If I’m not expecting them, I’m not interested.

[T0tallyFuckedUpFamily]

A true batshit crazy mumsnetter!

You do realise that you’re actually a Mumsnetter too, don’t you?

[understandmenow]

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily yeah but I'm not bat shit crazy!

Are you?

I can't open the door because it may be just anyone the other side, like a delivery for a neighbour, someone in need, a friend!

Jeez!