To not open the door

[hoolahoola22]

My dad just turned up at my house, I didn't know he was coming, wasn't expecting a delivery so when the door went i ignored it, he kept knocking and ringing the doorbell so I had a look to see who it was (he didn't see me) then started ringing my phone, my dd was down for a nap but wasn't asleep yet so she started screaming and crying, he knew I was in obviously, I didn't open the door as I knew he would force his way in and I have been following the rules, he text me again saying he was in the area and wanted to see us, and that he's left some sweets on he doorstep, now I feel bad.my youngest dd is 2 she doesn't understand social distancing so I couldn't have sat with him in the garden, I think I made the right decision not opening the door, wibu

[Jaxhog]

Is it really so hard for someone to pick up the phone and call before visiting? Especially if you're coming a long way.

[hoolahoola22]

For whoever said the person most at risk is my dad not me or hubby or kids, I work in a care home, I could have the virus and pass it to my dad or he could have it and pass it to me for me to pass on to my residents

[hoolahoola22]

Whereyouleftit you are totally right

[Beautiful3]

I would have opened the door. My fil visited last week. I was surprised as we're not close even though he lives locally. It turns out he just wanted a chat (from 2 metres away) as he was feeling depressed. The lockdown has really affected his mental health, as he was isolating alone. So I chatted with him for 20 minutes and visited him again yesterday for a chat (2 metres way).

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"Yes he is a bit of an arse, he would have stepped forward as if to come in if I'd have opened the door, if I would have said you can't come in he wouldve acted all hurt and made me feel bad, would've asked me to get the kids to the door, the youngest wouldn't have understood why she can't go near him, he probably would have also said he needed the loo, no way would he have said ok I totally understand I can't come in let's chat at a distance"

To my mind, the big problem with your dad is that you struggle to maintain boundaries with him. You struggle to remain an adult. You revert to being the child being told to do what the adult tells you to do even though you know the adult is wrong. It's tricky. He's been manipulating you your whole life, he knows the buttons to press - hell, he manufactured the buttons! That's what makes you feel bad - him pressing your buttons. Recognise that and it'll be harder for him to press.

The scenario you've set out there - look at it again. He's playing a game. He makes a move, you block. He makes another move, you block again. You need to change tactics. You need to stop being his dutiful daughter, and instead become - someone who doesn't let herself be pushed around. Tiger mother, Amazon, Black Widow - play a part. Fake it 'til you make it, as the saying goes.

Do not wait for him to make the first move. A good counter to today's pushiness might have been:
Open upper-floor window, hang out, look cross and say brusquely 'Dad! What are you doing here? You can't come in!' That would be YOU making the first move, not him. He's now got to block, and you've not given him any wiggle room.

He wants to come in - 'No, you could be infected, I'm not risking our health because you're bored.'

He wants to see your children at the door - 'No, it'll upset them, go away.'

I need the loo - 'You're not coming in, you'll have to go to then, won't you.'

You're being very harsh with me, really rude! - 'Well you don't listen when I'm nice.'


Basically, you are going to have to learn to manipulate him.

[understandmenow]

I appreciate that sone posters have MH idyes @GreenGill m, but many use the not answering the door as control. They're the people disrespectful of MH issue IMO

[understandmenow]

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily you do know that doors were fitted with a knocker for a reason? To attract the attention of the person inside?

It's simple really, have a door knocker, someone uses it and the person inside.... answers the door!

[GreenGill]

Wow some posters on this thread are behaving so IGNORANTLY!
And on mental health awareness week as well.
I don't answer my door sometimes because I can't face people. Welcome to the world of depression and anxiety.

I think you need to write out a carefully worded text to him OP stating exactly what you will and won't accept in regards to visits, tell him visits are not acceptable and you will not answer the door to him. 💐

[understandmenow]

That’s a matter of opinion. Coming onto a thread and calling other users batshit, isn’t exactly normal behaviour.

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily luckily a lot agree with me!

[GinDaddyRedux]

Agreed. This kind of view though is unshakeable.

And then when one of the scenarios I named above actually happens, the "non door opening" folk will be the first to castigate the official, or person, and claim they should have somehow done more to "alert" them.

They'd watch that poor person walk back to their van, find some paper, write out a note, walk back to their door, post the note...all just so that they don't lower themselves to the level of having to open a door.

[derxa]

Nope. I carry on as normal. I don’t care if they know I’m in or if they think I’m rude; I think they’re rude for knocking unannounced. Absolutely bonkers

[GinDaddyRedux]

@heartsonacake

"I think they’re rude for knocking unannounced."

Has every single person who has ever come to your door and been of use to you, been able to "announce" themselves in advance of that visit?

Every, single, one?

I mean, the postman can't announce themselves can they. Should they be sending you a text ten minutes before they reach your road, so that you're aware of their proximity and their intent?

The gas board? Yes I know generally they call for appointments now, or you get a text or an online message. But still - what if there's a leak at the end of the road, people are being asked to do X or Y as a result... and someone public-spirited decides to knock on your door to let you know that X is necessary, or Y is happening and you need to react.

Should they have magically got your number in advance of knocking? Or should they leave a note, by which time it might be too late or whatever?

In case you think those scenarios are ridiculous, they're not - they're real life examples. If they haven't happened to you yet, that doesn't mean they'll never happen.

I now consider myself very blessed with the neighbours I have.

[cheeseychovolate]

You did the right thing. I sat in my parents garden for a chat the other day, no way could I have taken my 3 year old they would have ran to gran and hugged her

[T0tallyFuckedUpFamily]

yeah but I'm not bat shit crazy!

That’s a matter of opinion. Coming onto a thread and calling other users batshit, isn’t exactly normal behaviour.

[Coyoacan]

Strange world we are living in. I understood that the reason for social distancing was to protect older people and people with high blood pressure, diabetes, obesity, smokers and a couple of other conditions. In the scenario you paint, OP, unless you or your husband has an underlying condition, the person who is most at risk is your dad.

[FleecyMoo]

@heartsonacake
You say that you think people are 'rude for knocking unannounced' but isn't knocking a way of announcing themselves? I was joking when I said that people should phone for an appointment to knock on a door or ring a doorbell but you really believe that don't you? Mumsnet never fails to teach me something, even if it's something I don't want to learn

[understandmenow]

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily yeah but I'm not bat shit crazy!

Are you?

I can't open the door because it may be just anyone the other side, like a delivery for a neighbour, someone in need, a friend!

Jeez!

[T0tallyFuckedUpFamily]

A true batshit crazy mumsnetter!

You do realise that you’re actually a Mumsnetter too, don’t you?

[heartsonacake]

Do you 'non door answerers' lie on the floor behind your sofa and turn off all the lights when the doorbell rings?

Nope. I carry on as normal. I don’t care if they know I’m in or if they think I’m rude; I think they’re rude for knocking unannounced.

If I’m not expecting them, I’m not interested.

[XDownwiththissortofthingX]

@Fleecymoo

Do you 'non door answerers' lie on the floor behind your sofa and turn off all the lights when the doorbell rings? I am genuinely puzzled that so many of you are either a) too precious to bother with what may after all be mere riff raff on your doorstep b) a stranger!!! c) a hated family member, of whom some of you seem to have a surfeit confused

Nope, I just continue doing whatever it was I was doing when they knocked my door. Couldn't give a toss whether they realise I'm in or not. There's nothing at all that compels me to respond to an unsolicited knock at the door.

[longsigh]

@AllIMissNowIsTheSea
YABN- You Are Both Nutters - will that do? 😂

[Whataloadofshite]

You need to send a text telling him not to turn up in future, and be firm about it - absolutely use the lockdown rules as a reason. Stand up to him. Excuses like being in the bath won't hold for long. It sounds like he will just keep coming back otherwise, even though he's not local.

[hoolahoola22]

He hasn't seen us since Xmas lockdown has been since march, if he missed us he would have seen us before, hes just bored as hes not working or out and about

[Whataloadofshite]

This would have freaked me out too. I don't blame you for not answering the door. My family know full well NEVER to turn up unannounced because it's not something I can cope with, and if they did that now during lockdown? Nope.

[understandmenow]

I don’t answer the door if I’m not expecting someone/something. There’s no need for me to; it wont benefit me. I think people just dropping round is rude and I won’t entertain their whims.

A true batshit crazy mumsnetter!