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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want my dd to be a "popular" as such??

58 replies

bertiebottseveryfalvourbeans · 21/05/2020 14:30

hiya ladies,

So basically my dd is 12, one of the youngest in her year but still fairly tall, pretty, and she is on the dance teams at her school. Unfortunately being on the dance team means that the majority of the slightly bitchy popular girls are all spending about 2 or so hours a week with her after school(dance rehersals) she is hanging out with one group of friends who she gets along really well with(they are not in dance) but I think there has been some sort of minor argument which is causing some rifts and some of the girls are sort of taking sides (its a group of 6) and because she doesn't want to be involved with that she has been eating lunch with the girls on the dance team who have apparently taken a shine to her. I know that is lovely and all but I know they will just drop her and then make us some mean rumour and gossip about her a few weeks later. I really dont want my dd to be involved in this group for other reasons, e.g. they are always having some sort on drama or in the head of pastoral's office. I know what i have said so far seems reasonable, but I just have a worry in the back of my mind that I only want her to not be with the "populars" is because I was not very well liked outside of my small group in high school, please tell me what you think????

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 21/05/2020 16:29

Pay your DD the compliment of thinking she is able to handle her own friendships and is intelligent enough to guide herself.
After all, you raised her, OP!
Micromanagement is not always good.

JingsMahBucket · 21/05/2020 16:30

YANBU I don't think. She's 12 and still needs guidance and I think you're smart to be wary of the other clique of dance girls. I'd try to guide her towards making up with her original friend group in an age-appropriate mature way. Then I'd also remind of her of the bullying incident and warn her to keep her distance because of the prior behaviour of the dance girls. Maybe the two of you could work out some coping strategies she can use when dealing with them.

@bertiebottseveryfalvourbeans You don't sound nuts at all to me. You sound like a good parent who's concerned and wants to help her daughter navigate this weirdness. Good luck.

Guineapigbridge · 21/05/2020 16:51

Don't get involved. It's none of your business who she's friends with.

Casino218 · 21/05/2020 17:01

My DD is apparently in the popular group but they are all lovely and not bitchy at all. Popular doesn't necessarily mean not nice. Why don't you get to know them first?

rattusrattus20 · 21/05/2020 17:04

by that age you should only try to intervene in kids' friendships in the direst of circumstances, i.e. definitely not here.

thecatsthecats · 21/05/2020 17:33

Some of my "unpopular" "friends" could be pretty horrible to me when "popular" girls who I didn't socialise with were really kind.

Mean behaviour is all about proximity, not social standing.

I'll never forget the wonderful popular girl who laid into a boy for bullying me when my supposed best friend overlooked the matter entirely to be friends with him because he fancied her.

VirginWestCoast · 21/05/2020 17:48

YA books/ films have a lot to answer for.

People will hang out with people they get on well with, often that means those with similar interests. Of all the schools I've taught at and the one I went to myself, there has not been even one where people fit neatly into little groups of popular/nerdy/emo etc.
You don't know that these girls will treat your DD badly- in any case, she's of an age now where she's got to learn to navigate these things herself. If it goes badly, be supportive. Until then, stay out of it.

Settle59 · 21/05/2020 18:19

To be honest OP - if I was in your daughter's shoes and found out that you had posted this thread - I would feel annoyed and feel like my mother was controlling my friendships

Lougle · 21/05/2020 18:28

School dynamics are always tricky. I'd just chat with her occasionally and see how it's all going. DD2 is in a group of 6 or so, as part of a wider group. One girl has gone from being a bit difficult with her to being quite friendly with her, but others
are struggling with her, etc. I chatted about it with her, exploring the dynamics and she said 'To be honest, Mum, I feel like I'm Switzerland and I'm ok with that.' She's quite happy being the neutral party while everyone else sorts themselves out, so fair enough. You might find your DD is quite happy with where her friendships are.

Original poster
bertiebottseveryfalvourbeans · 21/05/2020 18:33

to those who are telling me to get to know the girls, or stop judging, please read the above post about bullying.

@bloodyhellsbellsx I am not worried about her becoming a mean girl, I am worried that she will get a reputation, then change her mind about these girls (that is if they don't change their mind about her first!!!) and then try and return to her old friends, only to be shunned for abandoning them or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
bertiebottseveryfalvourbeans · 21/05/2020 18:34

look i know how neurotic i sound!!

OP posts:
Limpetlike · 21/05/2020 18:36

Life is not like a high school musical film. Step back, let your daughter find her way through different friendships and relationships. It's a skill she'll have to learn, stop projecting your own school experience onto her.

This. And honestly, OP, after this hiatus, all previous social formations are up for grabs among 12 year olds, anyway. I wouldn't waste any sleep on it.

WeAllHaveWings · 21/05/2020 18:42

According to ds it is ok to be in the popular groups, but not the cool ones Confused

All to complicated for me so I leave him to it and he has changed friends over the years if he needed too.

bloodyhellsbellsx · 21/05/2020 18:57

@bertiebottseveryfalvourbeans if she’s a nice girl she won’t get a reputation for simply being friends with these girls. Let her figure it out.

00100001 · 21/05/2020 19:06

Poppy, is that you?

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 21/05/2020 19:10

@00100001 Grin

Putting it in the ACTUAL THREAD TITLE is just cheating. How's that fun?

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 21/05/2020 19:15

Drama and bitchiness isnt exclusive to the popular girls. The majority of 12yr old girls are nightmares in groups, its a rite of passage.

BumpBundle · 21/05/2020 19:34

I went to three schools. At the first school I wasn't very popular but had a decent and solid friendship group which had its fair share of internal drama. At the second school I was the new shiny person and welcomed into the popular group. It was also drama and a lot was about boys. When I moved again I made a conscious effort to join the unpopular group to avoid the drama so I could focus on my A Levels. There was just as much bitching and drama, and just as much of it was about boys. Popular people don't have more drama - people just talk about their drama more.

bloodyhellsbellsx · 21/05/2020 19:36

However if she starts to wear pink on Wednesdays then you know it’s time to worry 🤣🤣🤣

sauvignonblancplz · 21/05/2020 19:45

What’s her being tall and pretty got to do with anything?

Definitely take a back seat-the dynamics will have totally changed by the time they go back.
Who has she been communicating with?

redwoodmazza · 21/05/2020 19:48

I am so pleased that I had a boy!!!

Original poster
bertiebottseveryfalvourbeans · 21/05/2020 19:51

@sauvignonblancplz her being tall and pretty doesnt really have to do with it, its just a detail.
She has been chatting a bit with her old group but not really connecting as such? She has been talking a lot with one of the three dance girls who she used to be friends with in like Year 2 before all the cliquiness and whatever, she has not really talking to any other girls though and she has been added to their group chat and has not really been texting on there much, but when she does it just kind of goes unnoticed ...(She knows I check her phone every now and then)

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 21/05/2020 19:52

My youngest DS(14) is sporty and clever and handsome. He is very popular to the amusement of the rest of us who were contented also rans at school.

We just tell him to be kind to everyone and use his powers for good.

Original poster
bertiebottseveryfalvourbeans · 21/05/2020 19:53

@redwoodmazza lol

OP posts:
AdultierAdult · 21/05/2020 19:54

Not the popular bitchy girl poster again. 🙄