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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He sent a female friend a gift

39 replies

Teesstar · 21/05/2020 10:37

I don’t know what to think so I need some mumsnet advice.

I have been with a guy for just over a year, he lives and works away but his daughter lives where I live so he comes home and sees us both regularly. Until now of course.

Anyway after 9 weeks apart he came home, I was under the impression he was going to stay the night with me ( I know it breaks the rules of lockdown) anyway he came we ate, then he started saying that he had been in termoil for weeks over our relationship and the fact I am so different to him. We talked, we had sex, we talked more and he left I then felt numb and confused.

This morning I happened to go on Facebook and I clicked on a Female friend of his, on her feed there was a photo of a gift the same one he sent me and a note saying “you’re amazing” he has sent in anonymously to her work last week.
He says he loves me and he can’t imagine not having me in his life, but the fact he sent the same gift to her, and she posted it saying I don’t know who sent this but thank you and love emojis.

Am I being a fool and he is hits being nice or am I being a total tit and I need to tell him?

He has also been sending gifts to his ex wife on behalf of their daughter who lives with her (why?) and gave her flowers the other day even though half the time he is arguing with her!

Kind advice please I am a bit fragile!

OP posts:

UnfinishedSymphon · 21/05/2020 10:39

Are you sure she's his ex wife? You thought he'd stay with you but he didn't, where did he stay? Does he have his own place?

Aquamarine1029 · 21/05/2020 10:41

...then he started saying that he had been in termoil for weeks over our relationship and the fact I am so different to him.

I'm sorry op, but he's trying to tell you it's over, and he's hoping you will be the one to end it. The gifts are the least of it.

Original poster

Teesstar · 21/05/2020 10:42

Yeah they are divorced, hand drove 300 miles back to where he lives he sent me his location so I knew he was home safe

OP posts:

Isawamagpie · 21/05/2020 10:43

Delete. Block and walk away from this straight away. There is nothing to see but heartache here. So sorry you're going through this op

recycledteenager24 · 21/05/2020 10:44

get rid you can do so much better than this, please don't be a door mat to someone who wants his cake, eat it and possibly try other goodies on offer.

Louiselouie0890 · 21/05/2020 10:44

Your being a fool, I'm sorry but I would feel so used

zscaler · 21/05/2020 10:44

He’s messing you around OP. Not just the gifts, but all that stuff about being in turmoil. He’s either hoping you’ll end it, or he’s keeping you dangling because he likes having you as an option but doesn’t actually want a relationship.

Bin him - you deserve better.

billy1966 · 21/05/2020 10:44

OP,

Don't trust him.

He's a player.

Keeping lots of options open.

Block and move on.

You deserve better.

PorpentiaScamander · 21/05/2020 10:44

He has also been sending gifts to his ex wife on behalf of their daughter who lives with her (why?) and gave her flowers the other day even though half the time he is arguing with her!

Can't see a problem with this tbh.

Original poster

Teesstar · 21/05/2020 10:46

The thing is I am just getting divorced myself after a really shit 16 year marriage so I am totally ok on my own. I don’t need a man in my life, so if he wants to end it I am that. I was thinking is he preparing for a new relationship with her.

I would rather he just said, but I think he doesn't really know what he wants

OP posts:

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 21/05/2020 10:46

I’m sorry, OP, but you’re not his girlfriend, but just ‘a’ girlfriend, as far as he’s concerned. You’ll do until he gets a better offer. Please cut your losses and dump his selfish ass.

TheVanguardSix · 21/05/2020 10:46

Am I being a fool? No. He is and he's dragging you into his tomfoolery.

If it feels shitty, it IS shitty. And a good relationship feels, you guessed it, good. You shouldn't feel like you need to crack codes here in order to work out where you stand with him. And if that's what it feels like you're doing, then this isn't love and it's not worth your time. Don't let him be your time bandit.

Piffle11 · 21/05/2020 10:48

Walk away. He doesn’t want you. Did you already expect he had feelings for this other woman? I’m wondering why you clicked on her profile.

fuckyouSaul · 21/05/2020 10:49

The thing is I am just getting divorced myself after a really shit 16 year marriage so I am totally ok on my own.

So why have you entered into another relationship this soon? Doesn't sound like you like being alone

Rhodri · 21/05/2020 10:49

It’s perfectly fine to help his daughter send a gift to her mum. It’s fine to send a gift to a friend. But he’s said he’s in turmoil and he isn’t 100% committed to your relationship. In that light the other stuff is irrelevant - it’s not a good relationship.

Original poster

Teesstar · 21/05/2020 10:49

Yeah that’s how I feel. I refuse to waste my time and energy on another man who lets me down. I think he has been an idiot.

OP posts:

iloveruby · 21/05/2020 10:50

Leave him and work on your own confidence.

I cant believe that during the conversation about how he was in turmoil about the relationship you ended up having sex!!!! What on earth!

Get some boundaries in place - you deserve so much better.

Fluffybutter · 21/05/2020 10:51

I’m confused ,when did he say he
“can’t imagine not having you in his life”? Before or after the ‘turmoil’ ? And why turmoil at all if he thinks that ?
Drop him

ItsMsActually · 21/05/2020 10:52

The fact he sent you his location when he was home seems odd to me and I'd be suspicious if dh ever did that, it's like a bluff. Why not just text you saying he's home? Is there a way of overriding locations?

Original poster

Teesstar · 21/05/2020 10:54

It was a bizarre conversation to be honest, he talked about how different we are but then we seemed to resolve this, hence the sex but then we talked more and I thought I shouldn’t have slept with him!
Ugh! I am almost 40 I should know better by now ffs!

OP posts:

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 21/05/2020 11:03

And stop putting your health at risk for a bonk, OP! There are many people on lockdown, not seeing family members who are extremely vulnerable. It’s something most of us have to cope with.

sarahcoffeelover · 21/05/2020 11:07

What was the gift OP? Was it very personal?

Well regardless he sounds like a knob, def used you for sex.
You can do much better x

Maduixa · 21/05/2020 11:08

For the gift itself - it depends what it is. For example, I've seen people buying multiples of things and sending them to friends/family from small companies they want to support during lockdown. If it's a book or tea towels or five pounds of gourmet fudge, I wouldn't worry much. If it's a diamond necklace or lingerie, it's odd, Even if he is interested in her/seeing her, it's still strange with a larger/more personal gift that he'd get two of the exact same thing (and send hers anonymously - although that could be an oversight/error esp if it was remote delivery).

I'd assume buying gifts from the daughter to the mother is normal if the daughter's young, and the flowers seem OK - maybe he's feeling bad that she's having to do the bulk of the parenting and just wanted to do something nice/assuage his guilt.

Can you ask him any of this, or is it too weird in context? Will you see him or have a chance to speak with him soon? It sounds like there are big issues in the relationship anyway, gifts aside. But if you don't trust him, that may be your answer.

recycledteenager24 · 21/05/2020 11:10

seems like a fwb shag.
you say you are divorcing ex, and are ok being alone, why hang on to this bloke who seems dismissive of you until he wants a shag ? have time alone and rebuild yourself esteem after a 16 year marriage that didn't sound that great.

JessicaDay · 21/05/2020 11:12

This all just seems a bit messy. A bit too messy to be worth it to be honest.

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