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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He sent a female friend a gift

39 replies

Teesstar · 21/05/2020 10:37

I don’t know what to think so I need some mumsnet advice.

I have been with a guy for just over a year, he lives and works away but his daughter lives where I live so he comes home and sees us both regularly. Until now of course.

Anyway after 9 weeks apart he came home, I was under the impression he was going to stay the night with me ( I know it breaks the rules of lockdown) anyway he came we ate, then he started saying that he had been in termoil for weeks over our relationship and the fact I am so different to him. We talked, we had sex, we talked more and he left I then felt numb and confused.

This morning I happened to go on Facebook and I clicked on a Female friend of his, on her feed there was a photo of a gift the same one he sent me and a note saying “you’re amazing” he has sent in anonymously to her work last week.
He says he loves me and he can’t imagine not having me in his life, but the fact he sent the same gift to her, and she posted it saying I don’t know who sent this but thank you and love emojis.

Am I being a fool and he is hits being nice or am I being a total tit and I need to tell him?

He has also been sending gifts to his ex wife on behalf of their daughter who lives with her (why?) and gave her flowers the other day even though half the time he is arguing with her!

Kind advice please I am a bit fragile!

OP posts:

EthelMayFergus · 21/05/2020 11:15

He's Mr Nice Guy. He wants to finish the relationship with you but still wants you to think he's lovely, so he pretends he's all confused and in turmoil so that you'll feel sorry for him while he wastes your time.

CoronaMoaner · 21/05/2020 11:24

Why did he send the gift to his friend anonymously if it’s all entirely innocent?
The fact it was the same gift he sent to you makes me feel a bit ick about it.

SodaSloth · 21/05/2020 11:27

Let's all break the rules and mix homes

FinallyHere · 21/05/2020 11:30

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you.

Please, be kind to yourself and just don't sleep with someone, anyone who says they have been in termoil for weeks over our relationship

Just don't. Delete and block him from your life. Don't be an option for someone who who treat you like this.

JessicaDay · 21/05/2020 11:31

By the way, is the gift identifying enough that it was definitely him that sent it? Not just that either he mentioned it’s what he got you to another colleague so they sent it or vice versa?

Because the buying presents from daughter and bunch of flowers for her mum seem fine to me.

Do agree with pp though that either he’s trying to get you to end it, maybe he’s a user, may he’s not emotionally ready for another relationship, maybe he’s -I king up you’re not ready as you say you don’t need him/a man.

Anyway, it’s all just a bit to messy, especially with the distances involved.

pilates · 21/05/2020 11:37

It sounds like a casual sexual relationship. If you want something more serious I think you will be disappointed.

Lipz · 21/05/2020 11:42

Are you sure he sent the gifts to her? It could be a coincidence she got the same gift? I know I'm clutching at straws here. It does depend on the type of gift, how personal it was or like another poster says tea towels, then I wouldn't be worried.

How did he send you his location? Was it through Facebook? You can fiddle the location on that.

It doesn't sound like there is much trust anyway, you're looking through his friends list and clicking on their pictures, most of us do a bit of Facebook stalking but it doesn't sound like you trust him anyway.

Original poster

Teesstar · 21/05/2020 11:46

Basically he wants very different things to me in life. We have what we call bubble time, it’s all about us we do nice things together and go nice places but we don’t have a real everyday relationship.
We parent very differently I am liberal he is conservative in his style.
He has always been romantic, kind and supportive, I put his wobble down to the lockdown and that he had been on his own for 9 weeks ruminating on life too much.

I am ok with the gifts to his wife, but he needs to stop licking her arse in fear she will stop him seeing their daughter (11).

As for the gift it’s from him, his hand writing it was a pocket hug, the same as he sent me.
It said a little pocket hug to redeem later. Same pink card he wrote on to me but mine said I love you.
I honestly would not have minded him sending her it if, he had told me and if he hadn’t sent it like that with no name and being all secretive and essentially making her think she may have an admirer.

I am not jealous or possessive in anyway and I am a grown up but I am pissed off that he has done this in that way.

OP posts:

justanotherneighinparadise · 21/05/2020 11:46

No good will come of this. He will mess you about, have sex with you, mess you about, break it off then probably reappear saying he was confused. There must be a name for these type of men aside from head fucks?

Lifeisconfusing · 21/05/2020 11:54

I would just come clean with him that you where uncomfortable and confused when he left the other night and that the picture popped up on your feed about the gift to the other woman and what is going on? Do you still want to be in a relationship with me or Is it your way of breaking it off. Explain you do love him but you would rather know so you can move on.

KatherineJaneway · 21/05/2020 12:34

If it was me, I would be hurt as it sounds like he used me for a booty call. Making it seem he will stay the night, then after sex he is suddenly in 'turmoil' and leaves. I wouldn't put up with that behaviour.

Sorry this happened to you

Original poster

Teesstar · 21/05/2020 13:44

So I pulled him up on it. He said he is scared about losing me (don’t make me feel like that then we’re my thoughts) then he phoned and explained that she had sent him one first and he had ordered some and sent them to me, is daughter, mum, another female friend and her.

I said i need to think and he said what about and I said about how I feel and I ended the call with him.

I am just trying to get through my work and then I can think about what next

OP posts:

pilates · 21/05/2020 13:46

It sounds like he has a few of you on the go at the same time.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 21/05/2020 13:46

Get rid of him, OP. He’s testing the waters to see if she’s interested and is going to end up making you do the “pick me” dance. Spend some time healing from your divorce.

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