Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Useless family aibu here?

29 replies

onestepat · 20/05/2020 08:22

I'm in my early 30s.
My mum died when I was a teenager.(she was the closest to my gran )
Since I was around 18 I cared for my gran.
None of her sons /daughter helped me and they kept away (terrified they would have to lift a finger )
The last 5 years have been awful.
My gran is nearly 99.
She has dementia.
I've begged my aunt (who lives abroad ) to come home and sort a plan out and take the weight off my shoulders (if only for a week)
Anyway she hasn't visited for 6 years now.
My gran broke her hip and now needs 24 hour care.
So I have to sort out finding the care home
I have to talk to social services
Then speak to council about house
Clear house out
It's all too much
It's so much pressure and there's nobody else.
It couldn't of happened at a better time for my aunt (using no flights,covid etc) as a reason she isn't coming over.
She's got away with murder.
She emailed saying "email me in a couple of weeks when she's settled"
She never once rang hospital when she was in,she didn't ring rehab.
Aibu to be so angry ?
It's all on me and I'm sick of it.

OP posts:
MouthBreathingRage · 20/05/2020 08:27

You've been posing about this for a long time now, haven't you?

You've found yourself in a difficult situation, but its not your aunts fault, she really hasn't 'got away with murder'. The stress of looking after your gran is obviously too much, but it's not for other to take it on.

I'm sure you've been asked a million times, but surely you must have thought about a care home if you're finding coping alone so difficult?

onestepat · 20/05/2020 08:31

I never asked for my aunt to look after her mother.
I asked my aunt to come to the UK and help me sort alternative care.
Go through finances ,look at care homes etc etc together.
I didn't want to make all the choices on my own.
It used to kill me on the days where my aunt would be putting photos on her FB in Dubai or in New York for her sons wedding..then here I am not slept in days as my gran is ill and I'm trying to juggle that and keeping myself mentally well.
It's been too much for a while now.

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 20/05/2020 08:34

You've been given loads of helpful suggestions on your many other threads. How about going back to them, taking the advice, and implementing some changes?

onestepat · 20/05/2020 08:38

The changes are my gran is moving into a care home.

OP posts:
Atalune · 20/05/2020 08:40

Your aunt isn’t going to help you.

Unfollow her on all social media and try to put her out of your mind.

onestepat · 20/05/2020 08:44

I know I sound like I'm moaning and i probably am.
I love my gran so much and I don't resent looking after her.
I just get so upset when I think of things and this is my place to get it off my chest.
For the past year every 3 months she's put £40 in my bank for me to "treat myself" I've never touched it.
You see on Facebook all these families together,helping each other.
I just felt so on my own.

OP posts:
JumpingAtJackdaws · 20/05/2020 08:46

Yes it's been tough for you, but it's coming to an end now. Make a phone call to a house clearance company, they will sort the house. Social services will arrange a care home. I'm interested to know why your uncles are spared any criticism?

onestepat · 20/05/2020 08:53

@JumpingAtJackdaws they both passed away last year.
They didn't help either but don't want to speak Ill of the dead.

OP posts:
ilikepurple · 20/05/2020 08:54

Ask for a carers assessment. Explain you can't do it anymore and make sure your Gran has a care package that doesn't include you.

CHIRIBAYA · 20/05/2020 08:54

Sometimes we aren't looking for answers, sometimes we just need to vent and feel heard. Take a look at this US website www.boomers-with-elderly-parents.com - it is full of people (of all ages) who are dealing with what you are dealing with. It is a safe place to vent without being judged. Best wishes.

Livelovebehappy · 20/05/2020 08:56

I think if your gran is going into a home now, a lot of the problems will sort themselves out once everything has been organised. Is the house a rented one or owned? Visit a few homes, book her a place, involve social services to help/advise with transport etc. Re the house, just get a skip and throw everything in it that’s not needed, retrieve items you want to keep, and leave the bigger items outside for the council to pick up ( obviously book in a collection online), and then use that money you haven’t touched to get cleaners in to sort out the house. I know everything probably seems like a mountain to climb at the moment, but just deal with issues in sections, make a plan and write it down, and focus on the fact that in a few months your only task is to visit her and just enjoy her company.

AJPTaylor · 20/05/2020 08:56

Thank goodness she is moving into a care home. You need to empty the house. Take a few bits to the care home, together with photos and clothes she needs. Anything you want, have. Then call a house clearance place to empty the rest. Hand keys back. Send a message to Aunt with details of care home. Tell care home if aunts details. You need never contact aunt again.

user1465335180 · 20/05/2020 09:02

@onestepat, absolutely not BU. My DSis left every bit of our DM dementia care to me, finance, legal, washing, shopping, carers, medical and I was working. And yes, it made me bloody angry too. SS can help you find the right home and hopefully you have friends to lean on emotionally, once the stress of carings gone you may find yourself utterly exhausted and in need of support.
Your Aunt is a nasty cow, at least you'll know you've done the right thing by your DG. Sending you strength and these Flowers

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/05/2020 09:05

I do feel for you, it’s an awful lot to cope with. Unfortunately some relatives will always be like this. For several years I used to visit a forum for carers of people with dementia, where they were known as ‘the invisibles’. Sadly they are all too common and you’re entitled to feel upset and hard done by.

I’m assuming your gran will not be self-funded, in which case I think you’re entitled to ask social services to sort out a care home. Tell them you have no idea, wouldn’t know where to start, etc., and are unable do it., From all I’ve ever heard, they will be willing to leave it to you if it seems that you’re (albeit reluctantly) willing and able.

As regards clearing the house, I know it’s very time consuming, and will cost, but I’d just remove anything valuable or sentimental, and then get a house clearance co. in. Though you may like to keep a few things to make your GM’s CH room feel homely. We did for my mother, but TBH by that stage she didn’t really seem to notice or care.

One thing I’d def. say, though - people with dementia do often hide things - money included - in the most extraordinary places. It’s well worth checking everything that could possibly serve as a ‘container’ before getting rid. Inside coat pockets, handbags, cornflakes packets, teapots, inside books, you name it. A colleague of mine found £2000 stashed inside or between a pile of newspapers and magazines in the flat of an old uncle when clearing it. And my sister and BiL found a valuable ring (aunt had complained that someone had stolen it) wrapped in dirty underwear and chucked in the bin!
So do please be aware.
Good luck and all best wishes.,

MouthBreathingRage · 20/05/2020 09:08

My DSis left every bit of our DM dementia care to me, finance, legal, washing, shopping, carers, medical and I was working. And yes, it made me bloody angry too.

Why did it make you angry? You chose to do these things, she didn't. That doesn't make a her a bad person, just one who accepted that care of an elderly, very ill person was beyond her. It's great that you and the op chose to take on so much care responsibilities, but there's a fine line between care and martying yourself. It's not something to throw in other family members' faces.

Ilovetea09 · 20/05/2020 09:34

You've been amazing through all of this. And you are a wonderful grand daughter.
As horrible as the other family members have been there is no point now wasting brain space on being bitter and upset about what they didn't do. As it won't change anything.
Now your gran is going into the care home you need to focus on you and your life now. This is your time

Liverbird77 · 20/05/2020 09:37

@onestepat Flowers
It sounds like you've had loads to deal with, on top of the trauma of losing your mum so young.

Your anger/resentment towards your relatives is totally understandable. It's all right people saying well you chose to do it, however you rightly recognised that if you didn't step up nobody would.

Your gran is really lucky to have you. I hope she finds a nice care home where she can get all the practical support she needs, and that you can finally get some respite.

zscaler · 20/05/2020 09:46

Why did it make you angry? You chose to do these things, she didn't. That doesn't make a her a bad person, just one who accepted that care of an elderly, very ill person was beyond her. It's great that you and the op chose to take on so much care responsibilities, but there's a fine line between care and martying yourself. It's not something to throw in other family members' faces.

I actually think you are quite a bad person if you see a family member struggling to cope with caring for an elderly relative and you refuse to offer even a small amount of help. Even if you can’t take on full caring responsibilities yourself, it takes a very basic level of human decency to offer a week of respite, or to pitch in with helping out on the decision making now and then.

If you wash your hands of your elderly and vulnerable relative and then tell the person you’ve left to deal with it ‘you’re doing this by choice so stop being a martyr’ then in my opinion you’re hugely selfish.

MouthBreathingRage · 20/05/2020 10:03

it takes a very basic level of human decency to offer a week of respite, or to pitch in with helping out on the decision making now and then

But some people literally can't do 'a week's respite' due to their own lives. Making decisions perhaps, but taking on care of a vulnerable person, you either can or can't do it. I've been there, I know the stress and probably should had said enough long before I did. However, I don't blame other family for not doing the care bit. It's hell, I'll never do it again and I will be quite clear with my children that they will not be doing it for me. It's not human decency, its emotional blackmail and misplace anger at a society that expects younger women in the family to take care of the elderly.

user1465335180 · 20/05/2020 10:04

@MouthBreathingRage, I'm not angry anymore, now I have the satisfaction of knowing my DM stayed at home which was her dearest wish. I don't understand not being able to cope with elderly care? Did you have DC? When they were ill did you run away unable to cope? So many people on here expect the world from their DP but mysteriously can't cope when the DP need them. Trouble is, they're setting a bed example for their DC who will dump them in turn

DollyDaph10 · 20/05/2020 10:05

You’ve done a stellar job of taking care of your grandma. Your uncles and aunt absolutely should have stepped up to support. I completely understand why you feel so frustrated. I wouldn’t provide your aunt with details of the care home. She hasn’t been any use so far. If she wants them then SHE can contact you. I hope it all gets sorted for you 💐

Weallhavevalidopinions · 20/05/2020 10:19

I feel for you, you have had it really tough and have a useless unhelpful family.

Once you have settled gran in a care home take time out for yourself. Distance yourself from aunt - remove/unfollow from social media. She isn't going to help and 6 years of no visits have shown that. Stop providing her with details of what is going on. Let her contac you, if she can be bothered, don't worry yourself updating her or any of the rest of the family. They have shown they don't care.

If she has property/money use it to get a good care home/spend it on things your aunt needs. Don't penny pinch so that they inherit.

Take time for yourself. You have been there for your gran when the rest of her family were not. You are not responsible for other people. I found out that with my family, I do the majority of running around for my parents even though I have a strained relationship with them, some people really don't care and don't see responsibility towards family in the same way that others do. As long as you know you have done your best, avoid the rest of them.

Weallhavevalidopinions · 20/05/2020 10:25

Replying to this:

"MouthBreathingRage Wed 20-May-20 09:08:35
My DSis left every bit of our DM dementia care to me, finance, legal, washing, shopping, carers, medical and I was working. And yes, it made me bloody angry too.
Why did it make you angry? You chose to do these things, she didn't. That doesn't make a her a bad person, just one who accepted that care of an elderly, very ill person was beyond her. It's great that you and the op chose to take on so much care responsibilities, but there's a fine line between care and martying yourself. It's not something to throw in other family members' faces."

It makes people angry because if all family members helped the main carer a little, it would make life for the main carer a bit better. In the example you replied to the main carer does everything.... surely a little of that could be done by other family? Perhaps one family member who cannot help with care, helps with the finances, some of the shopping, washing etc... spreading the load a little can make a massive difference to the main carer.

I am surprised that you cannot see that helping just a bit makes a difference... some people don't help at all.

Interestingly, in my former career as a Building Society Manager, relatives would come forward once an individual died for their share of any inheritance... those that do that really show what motivates them.

Limpetlike · 20/05/2020 10:45

I have the satisfaction of knowing my DM stayed at home which was her dearest wish. I don't understand not being able to cope with elderly care? Did you have DC? When they were ill did you run away unable to cope? So many people on here expect the world from their DP but mysteriously can't cope when the DP need them. Trouble is, they're setting a bed example for their DC who will dump them in turn

I can honestly say that my childhood would have been 100% better had my mother not taken on the care of her mother. All it taught me and my siblings was that our mother was prepared to wreck our lives in order to be the dutiful daughter, and that we came far down the pecking order.

MouthBreathingRage · 20/05/2020 10:49

In the example you replied to the main carer does everything.... surely a little of that could be done by other family?

The op says her aunt lives abroad, I imagine its very difficult to do much from another country. Even if she wasn't, sometimes other people simply cannot give the help needed, due to not being close enough, have a highly stressful job, young children, money worries. The list is endless. This is the reason we employ support workers and have social care, though I appreciate it's not always easy to get things going on that front. The world has changed, it's no longer a case where the younger generation (see, women) can look after their elders in a carers capacity.

relatives would come forward once an individual died for their share of any inheritance... those that do that really show what motivates them.

Really? You have no idea what 'motivates them'. Firstly, it's more complicated to turn down an inheritance left to you at times, rather than just sign some papers and let some solicitorsget on with it. You also don't know the circumstances of the relationship between the people involved, it's very easy to judge from the outside.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread