Useless family aibu here?

[onestepat]

I'm in my early 30s.
My mum died when I was a teenager.(she was the closest to my gran )
Since I was around 18 I cared for my gran.
None of her sons /daughter helped me and they kept away (terrified they would have to lift a finger )
The last 5 years have been awful.
My gran is nearly 99.
She has dementia.
I've begged my aunt (who lives abroad ) to come home and sort a plan out and take the weight off my shoulders (if only for a week)
Anyway she hasn't visited for 6 years now.
My gran broke her hip and now needs 24 hour care.
So I have to sort out finding the care home
I have to talk to social services
Then speak to council about house
Clear house out
It's all too much
It's so much pressure and there's nobody else.
It couldn't of happened at a better time for my aunt (using no flights,covid etc) as a reason she isn't coming over.
She's got away with murder.
She emailed saying "email me in a couple of weeks when she's settled"
She never once rang hospital when she was in,she didn't ring rehab.
Aibu to be so angry ?
It's all on me and I'm sick of it.

Yes, it does sound like you have had a shit time, but you keep on expecting people to behave in a way that is very unlikely.

I am sure you would be happier if you stopped thinking anyone is going to help you here

But some people literally can't do 'a week's respite' due to their own lives. Making decisions perhaps, but taking on care of a vulnerable person, you either can or can't do it. I've been there, I know the stress and probably should had said enough long before I did. However, I don't blame other family for not doing the care bit. It's hell, I'll never do it again and I will be quite clear with my children that they will not be doing it for me. It's not human decency, its emotional blackmail and misplace anger at a society that expects younger women in the family to take care of the elderly.

But in this situation it is the aunt expecting the younger woman to take care of the elderly! She has no qualms about leaving this high level of care in the hands of her niece, and hasn’t offered any help of any kind. Maybe she can’t do respite care but can she really not be at the end of the phone to help make decisions? Can she not manage the occasional visit, even for a weekend? Can she not help liaise with social services or research care homes?

The truth is she could obviously do something, and she would have to it OP wasn’t carrying the entire burden. But she has washed her hands of it, knowing someone else is dealing with it. It’s deeply selfish. Nobody is saying the aunt has to take on the entire burden of caring responsibilities, but to offer no help at all to the woman left doing it all is not decent or reasonable behaviour.

At the very least IMO the aunt could have come for a week now and then, even just once a year, to give the OP a break. My sister who lives in the US would come once a year for this reason, to give me and other siblings a break when our mother’s dementia was worsening.

Especially when dementia is involved, which can be very trying and exhausting to deal with, some relatives just don’t want to know and will use any lame excuse - e.g. ‘I won’t know how to deal with it’ to get out of it.

Many family carers are clueless at the start - I know we were. We had to learn at the sharp end.

My aunt has never worked as her husband is well of so didn't have work commitments.
Her only child is now 40 and married and has been married for 15 years(so no young children )
I think she just didn't want the stress of it.
My gran has been in hospital /rehab and she hasn't even bothered ringing them.
The social worker tried emailing her and she ignored it.
Anyway I've found my gran a home.
So hopefully I can get some of my life back and my gran will be happy in her new surroundings.
Thankfully my gran has been on in rehab and has been a pleasure the staff have said.