'You obviously don't really want a child'

[eggly]

I have ME, endometriosis and am in my mid-30s. I recently had a suspected early miscarriage (a few months ago, pre Covid). I hadn't tried to conceive before then, because of my health issues (a few years of surgeries, a lot of pain, etc).

I control my endo symptoms with a pill, which suppresses the worst of it (cramping, ovary pain, fatigue, nausea, IBS, heavy bleeding amongst others). I'm terrible off the pill, but obviously went off it for TTC. Almost immediately my worst symptoms returned and I felt awful, close to vomiting on some days, couldn't function. Then I had what I now believe to be very early pregnancy symptoms and felt even worse. With the first bad IBS attack (vasovagal response and almost fainting, high temp, severe cramping etc) I found myself thinking, 'this isn't worth it.' I didn't think I could stand going back to my old symptoms or worse while TTC and pregnancy. I just wanted to take my pill again and forget TTC.

I confided in a friend about it, after the suspected miscarriage. I told her how awful I'd felt physically, that I'd almost forgotten how bad my health could be when I was unmedicated. My friend has had one baby and is heavily pregnant with a second. She told me, 'Well, you obviously don't really want a child. My TTC and pregnany was crap too, I felt so sick and in pain, but I did it to get the baby.' She said it didn't seem like I wanted a baby enough to go through the discomfort. Could this be true? It's just, I've been sick and in pain myself for so many years. It's just horrible to go back to feeling that way and forget how to function again. I wasn't glad about the miscarriage, but maybe I was relieved in some way... the sickness was so bad I was just glad to take a break from TTC and get back on the pill (I switched pill a month ago with bad side effects but could no longer stay on the combined pill for health reasons, it's still better than nothing). Obviously since then Covid has happened. My doctor told me this week that she doesn't recommend waiting to TTC again at my age and with the potential of infertility related to endo, despite Covid. (This is a more nuanced issue, and if I decide to continue I will think VERY carefully before trying this year). Now I'm a bit torn, not only because of the situation, but because I'm scared to feel like utter crap again. I'd love a baby, have done for a long time, but after dealing with my condition since my mid-twenties, I am exhausted and afraid. My friend said I don't have enough of a maternal urge if this is the case, and that I would go through hell to have a child if I had to. Do you agree with her? I expect harsh replies here because I know pregnancy is hard, I just wasn't prepared after so long trying to control my illness.

Nine months is a very long time if you are vomiting every day and struggle to move. Add in all your other issues, I don’t blame you for questioning whether it’s worth it. You must put yourself first and it doesn’t mean you don’t want a child just because you decide not to have one. Your friend is not a friend. You could still be a mother just because you decide not to get pregnant. Have you thought about fostering/ adoption?

Your "friend" is being an absolute arse. I would recommend keeping her at arm's length from now on, and definitely don't confide in her about anything TTC/pregnancy related.

She is not being remotely reasonable. You have a chronic illness which means your circumstances are completely different from hers and she has no right to tell you how you feel. It’s easy to say you would ‘go through hell’ to have a baby if you really wanted one when you aren’t the person actually going through hell.

I hope that things work our for you, but in the meantime please don’t think you’re failing or insufficiently maternal because you have a very serious illness making your life hard.

Sorry about your pain and your miscarriage. Your friend is horrible. And I say that as someone who spent Saturday feeling nauseous and dizzy in too much pain to get off the couch except to go to the bathroom, couldn’t concentrate on anything due to my endometriosis. I’ve been TTC for 3.5 years although only had an endo diagnosis for 18 months. Yours sounds worse and even if it isn’t, this kind of pain where there’s no relief from pain meds and can’t sleep is hell, I frequently wonder whether to stop TTC naturally and go on the pill until we start IVF. Can’t have surgery without risking a perforated bowel. It’s a crappy situation.

People don’t tend to be very sensitive around TTC, infertility and female health conditions.

OP I feel for you. Of course you have to think of your health. The coil has suppressed my symptoms for a while now but the thought of ever going back to that level of pain and incapacity makes my blood run cold.

If endometriosis affected men there’d be a cure right now but.

Thank you all again for your supportive answers. I forgot to ask mention my GP wasn't very helpful regarding my specific situation either. Discussing pregnancy and birth I told her I would seek an elective c section based on my health issues and refuse internal exams due to past trauma. My main concern is fatiguing too fast in labour and requiring interventions and/or an emergency c section. Of course she told me that 'c sections are generally very risky' (I know this isn't true) and vaginal birth is the optimal choice in almost all cases! I did try and calmly explain that I have been researching for a long time and my reasons for wanting a planned birth as much as possible, as opposed to the risk of a traumatic vaginal birth. She just told me that I would have to speak to obstetrics about that and it was 'unlikely that they would consider those as legitimate reasons.' I understand what she's saying but it wasn't encouraging to hear. I know this probably all sounds like I'm being a snowflake over everything before I've even started, I am trying to be realistic but also consider my options. C section would be tough recovery wise I realize, but having had previous abdominal surgeries I am not going in blind. I would much rather try and preserve what's left of my mental health. I will be discussing this with my surgeon when I get a chance to get his opinion.

Gosh. Sounds like you need a better class of GP as well as a better class of friend.

I would have been inclined to ask the friend what she used for her endometriosis symptoms. Oh, she doesn't have it? RIGHT THEN.

As for the Dr citing "legitimate reasons", the expectation due to your ME that you may become fatigued during labour sounds absolutely reasonable, and I hope it will to the surgeon! It's not as if your anxiety is baseless; your medical history would surely bear it out. You'd think doctors would be better at this sort of thing but they aren't always.

One - you need a new friend . She’s clueless and downright wrong on a number of issues . Second ask your GP to refer you to a gynaecologist .

Your friend sounds like a self absorbed dick.

I feel terrible for you and I don’t even know you. She’s your friend.....a bad one.

random, but just wondered if surrogacy is something to look into. I know in the UK you can only pay expenses so presume hard to find someone. Just a thought..

You don't need a "friend" like that in your life.

I don’t think much of your friend. Nor your GP. Both crap and dismissive.

No, YANBU. Lucky people are good at framing their luck as down to hard work or skill.

You chose to ttc, but you did not choose to become pregnant or lose that pregnancy. Her successful pregnancies are not down to her perseverance or fortitude, just her luck that her body (largely) did what she wanted it to do.

I think women who haven't miscarried it's hard to imagine how painful this is, and in the 3rd trimester it's hard to see pregnancy logically. But what she said was totally vile and I'd personally struggle to be her friend now.

Endo and IBS is hell. And all too often those that don’t experience such conditions sneer at those of us that do. Only you can decide whether or how you have a baby, look into your options. Whatever you decide is up to you. It’s your life, your body. Do what’s right for you.
Ignore your friend. She is no friend, to her you are someone she can talk down to, someone over whom she can feel superior. This competitive martyrdom crap of hers is pointless and spiteful. She’s talking out of her judgemental competitive pompous arse. In fact quietly dump the woman. Let her offload her insecurities onto someone else - if they’ll put up with it.

Sorry but your friend sounds like an absolute arsehole.

It's so easy to think that when not suffering, I wanted children so badly I can understand thinking that there was nothing I wouldn't do to have them. But then I also remember never getting why people were so miserable if they went overdue "Oh it's only 2 weeks max fgs" then you get there yourself and you suddenly understand!
I remember my GM in law being really ill and refusing food. She knew it would kill her and I couldn't understand but my FIL, her son, was really calm about it and reminded us its easy to be frustrated with her when not in her situation and we'd feel differently if we'd had to spend years in pain barely able to move sometimes, he was right
One thing I would say though is I get your GP's response. I've had 3 sections, none planned and it is one thing having surgery before but another trying to look after a newborn after one. They are more risky than natural births too in most cases. Not saying they are terrible and you shouldn't have some say in the birth but the GP will be thinking purely from the medical side if things

Your "friend" is a self indulgent twat. Your GP doesnt sound great. Maybe try another one.

As others have said, your friend is a dick. I wanted a child more than anything in the world but I had a C-section because, for private reasons, I couldn't deal the possibility of being examined during labour (and a consultant agreed that they thought the C-section was better for my mental health). I'm sure plenty of people would say that, if I really wanted a child, I would have birthed it vaginally, but they can sod off. Also from personal experience: posturing about maternal self-sacrifice does not a good mother make.

I'm very sorry to hear about your miscarriage, OP.