'You obviously don't really want a child'

[eggly]

I have ME, endometriosis and am in my mid-30s. I recently had a suspected early miscarriage (a few months ago, pre Covid). I hadn't tried to conceive before then, because of my health issues (a few years of surgeries, a lot of pain, etc).

I control my endo symptoms with a pill, which suppresses the worst of it (cramping, ovary pain, fatigue, nausea, IBS, heavy bleeding amongst others). I'm terrible off the pill, but obviously went off it for TTC. Almost immediately my worst symptoms returned and I felt awful, close to vomiting on some days, couldn't function. Then I had what I now believe to be very early pregnancy symptoms and felt even worse. With the first bad IBS attack (vasovagal response and almost fainting, high temp, severe cramping etc) I found myself thinking, 'this isn't worth it.' I didn't think I could stand going back to my old symptoms or worse while TTC and pregnancy. I just wanted to take my pill again and forget TTC.

I confided in a friend about it, after the suspected miscarriage. I told her how awful I'd felt physically, that I'd almost forgotten how bad my health could be when I was unmedicated. My friend has had one baby and is heavily pregnant with a second. She told me, 'Well, you obviously don't really want a child. My TTC and pregnany was crap too, I felt so sick and in pain, but I did it to get the baby.' She said it didn't seem like I wanted a baby enough to go through the discomfort. Could this be true? It's just, I've been sick and in pain myself for so many years. It's just horrible to go back to feeling that way and forget how to function again. I wasn't glad about the miscarriage, but maybe I was relieved in some way... the sickness was so bad I was just glad to take a break from TTC and get back on the pill (I switched pill a month ago with bad side effects but could no longer stay on the combined pill for health reasons, it's still better than nothing). Obviously since then Covid has happened. My doctor told me this week that she doesn't recommend waiting to TTC again at my age and with the potential of infertility related to endo, despite Covid. (This is a more nuanced issue, and if I decide to continue I will think VERY carefully before trying this year). Now I'm a bit torn, not only because of the situation, but because I'm scared to feel like utter crap again. I'd love a baby, have done for a long time, but after dealing with my condition since my mid-twenties, I am exhausted and afraid. My friend said I don't have enough of a maternal urge if this is the case, and that I would go through hell to have a child if I had to. Do you agree with her? I expect harsh replies here because I know pregnancy is hard, I just wasn't prepared after so long trying to control my illness.

No one but no one can understand how you feel with your endo pain.
They can hazard a guess and they can try to relate it to what they might have had but at the end of the day - you are you.
Endo isn't just pain though, it's the emotional waves that come with it, the angst of how long the feelings will last, the loss of control and the inability to function day to day.
Don't allow someone's inability to apply empathy to your situation, cloud your decision making.
Your doctor's advice is exactly that - advice, you decide. If you choose to TTC then you can also ask for a referral to gynae for further advice on how to manage the endo.
Some people find hypno therapy helps, other people find strong pain relief and if you go on the endo website there is lots of information about other people's situations that can help you with decision making.
I'm sorry for your miscarriage, I hope your DP was more supportive that your friend.

@Savingshoes oh yes, DP is very supportive! He's happy with whatever decision I make regarding a baby, he would like one but not at the expense of me being in pain. So luckily I don't feel pressured to do one or the other.

It is important for you to be realistic about how high the price will be to your health and well being. You just had a hint of what it will do to your health to continue to try to conceive.
Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Your friend's talking shit- she's not in your body, she doesn't know how much pain and discomfort you're in etc- most likely it's worse than hers if she didn't feel the same way. She's not a good friend, she's a smug b*tch.

God no, your friend seriously doesn't get it. Unless you've been through that sort of pain I don't think other people get it at all. (haven't got endo myself but I have had other very painful conditions and it makes you view the world differently when others talk about pain)
You shouldn't have to put up with that much pain and I agree, if men suffered from it, there would be better treatments.

You can want a baby and want not to be in pain. The two things are not mutually exclusive.

Your so called friend is very unkind with her comments.and her way out views about your health and life..

She’s not right and shouldn’t have made you feel bad but personally pregnancy was the worst experience of my life.
I had so many complications including HG meaning I couldn’t function for over 30 weeks. I cried daily, suffered depression because I was so unwell, was regularly hospitalised and fainted off on several occasions!

I think if your friend had a pregnancy like mine she may take a ‘if you can’t manage the TTC how on earth will you manage the pregnancy?’

^ I wonder that too but out of concern for you not judgment. My life wasn’t worth living for 8 months and I was totally healthy beforehand I highly doubt it’ll be easy for you to carry a child given your other health issues so you need to go into it with eyes open. 9 months is a really REALLY long time when you feel like death constantly

I'm so sorry OP, endo is a bitch, and so is your friend.

On the treatment front, I might have something else for you to try. I had a bottle of the stuff in this article, prescribed by our doctor (not uk), for my son for a completely different reason.

When he had finished I still had a new bottle of tablets left over, so googled and found the endo connection. OBVIOUSLY you need to do a shed load of your own research, but I started taking it this morning.

As far as I can see the only contraindication is if you take blood thinners. It appears to be an enzyme we produce naturally, which breaks down dead proteins, ie scars, cysts, adhesions.

I couldn't not mention it, seeing as you're so miserable, and at an exploratory phase. This is the article

Good luck, and please don't doubt yourself, the woman is a moron.

Sorry, we don't produce it, it's from silkworms , but still worth researching?

Your "friend" is a patronising bitch and is not a friend to you.

I doubt very much that she at all understands what you go through - she just thinks she does because she might have had a bit of a rough time.

I didn't enjoy pregnancy, but that doesn't mean I know what it's like to be in your shoes. I had slight SPD, managed by the osteopath (it was fucking painful) but I don't know how bad it got for people that needed crutches to get around. I don't know how ANYONE goes through multiple pregnancies with hyperemesis gravidarum - I hate feeling sick with a passion and the thought of doing it every day for months on end would easily put me off having children.

It's YOUR CHOICE. Only you know what you can put up with, and it doesn't mean you don't really want a child, it means that you don't want to feel like death warmed up for 9 months+ in order to have one.

I wouldn't have much, if anything, to do with such an unsupportive woman again.

They are two separate things: whether you want a child and whether it works for your health to carry a child. At the moment the price seems extremely high in terms of the toll it's taking on your body. I can completely understand why you need to weigh this up, with ME being a complicating factor. I found menopause really impacted my ME so hormones might make things worse in terms of fatigue.

It seems like a good plan to see if there's any treatment you can have before TTC again. Also if you haven't already, get yourself in the best physical condition you can, eating really well, gentle exercise, plenty of sleep, and check if you have any vitamin deficiencies, e.g. iron, zinc, selenium or vitamin B or D. That would both support your pregnancy and your general health. Oh, and I'd avoid that woman in future!

If wanting or not wanting a baby had any effect upon fertility, there would be no infertility and every child would be a wanted child.

She's dumb, and she's mean, and she's wrong. Tell her to fuck off.

There is a huge space in between not really wanting a baby and not being sure that torturing yourself is worth maybe being able to conceive and sustain a pregnancy.

I think she was mean and cruel, but if I'm honest, I can see why she might wonder how you'd cope with pregnancy.

I got l lucky with my morning sickness compared to many. I still felt like I had norovius for 3 months, and have never felt so rotten in life. But I've had friends repeatedly hospitalised with HG, who have them since gone on to have further pregnancies with HG because their urge to have a child meant it was worth it for them.

I had SPD from the first trimester both times, bad enough that it rendered me virtually housebound (could be taken out door to door or on day trips in a to wheelchair). I got pregnant for the second time knowing it would probably be worse and that it could cause permanent damage (it has, but mild thankfully). I'm considering doing it again.

A lot of people's pregnancies are unpleasant and painful for whatever reason (obviously docs are fine) and for most second children, women go into it knowing what it can be like.

I have no idea where your symptoms lie on the scale of unpleasantness, save for it sounding like reasonably bad morning sickness plus cramps and my a temperature, but people often do go to hell and back to have a child, and if that's the price for your, then it's a judgment call on whether it's worth it for you. That's something only you can answer.

I had endometriosis - the pain was worse than labour pain every month without fail. The only person who took me seriously was my husband who saw exactly what I went through every month. No one else seemed to get just how horrific it was (even Drs)

I have two children now and don’t get symptoms of it any more (I’ve heard this is relatively common). Your friend is awful for saying that to you and she must know that it was a shitty thing to say to you. Don’t listen to her. I had rubbish pregnancies too - you just get through it some how. But just because you were relieved not to have to go through that pain against doesn’t mean you don’t want a baby. I would honestly not bother confiding in this particular friend again.

🌷it's not you!

Definitely ditch this acquaintance. That's plain nasty! (& wrong!)

Would you & DP consider a different path to becoming parents?

I have a very strong maternal urge. I've had miscarriages, ectopic, stillborn, ivf with a dangerous bleed during a very painful egg collection and I can tell you that I thought of quitting so many times. I've also wondered if I wasn't bloody crazy to go through with it (tbh it's the only explanation). I totally understand that it can be way too much in some circumstances. You friend just doesn't understand how easy she had it and how hard your situation is. Normal morning sickness and a normal childbirth isn't that hard to get over. She really can't compare it to your struggles. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this.

@eggly OP, please send your 'friend' a link to this thread....

@Babyboomtastic if I'm honest, I can see why she might wonder how you'd cope with pregnancy.

The 'friend' never said anything like that????

I think unless you have endo you have no idea what the physical and mental stress it puts your body under.

I also used the pill to mask all the symptoms, I was undiagnosed at the time and then had very high blood pressure, a migraine with auras and I had to come off the pill. The pain, bleeding, cramping etc hit me like a brick in the face. I was completely unprepared.

With these symptoms I went to the GP and she said I think you have endo. Cue gynae referal and confirmed endo. Did the whole host of meds, chemical menopause in my late 20s as my endo was "aggressive" then lap and dye. I was told at that point I would need IVF having looked at my ovaries

But I did get pregnant immediately (bloody miracle) and I won't lie it was hellish and painful. But since having that one baby, endo came back but I controlled it with the mini pill. It was far less than before, then I had another baby and since then and some years on I am relatively pain free. Labour pain is actually easier than endo pain because you know there is a baby at the end of it.

I will be brutally honest, I changed my mindset, I accepted the pain, I knew why I was in pain. I tried to stop feeling sorry for myself, I knew that a bowel movement whilst on my period still sees me bite down on a towel to get through the pain, I changed my diet to be much more healthy, I did everything I could to help. The biggest game changer came when I stopped working and became a SAHM when my first baby was a toddler. The less stress you have the better.

The fatigue is the killer for me, that is daily, the pain is several days a month but not every day. But I have two sons and have lived with endo for almost 20 years since diagnosis, another 10 years undiagnosed.

Try a TENs machine, this one is £26, and mine, and saves my life every month when I have my period. 4 pads means you can have one set on your back for any back pain and one set on your front. Or you can do it so the front and back one is connected and it sort of goes through your body.

Mentally during labour there usually comes a point where you feel like you cannot do this anymore, it is sort of the same with coming off the meds to TTC, you can tell yourself you can do this. The pregnancy should help with symptoms due to the changing hormones. It is shit but hopefully just a few months before you conceive.

Has your friend got significant long term debilitating health issues? If not she is not qualified to comment! Its easy for someone who doesnt know how rubbish you feel to say what they would do in your shoes

I think your friend is right and it's ok to not want the discomfort. Just own it. Your illnesses aren't really life threatening or serious.

Your illnesses aren't really life threatening or serious

You sound ridiculous. I can only assume you suffer rampant endo yourself? I don’t...so I’m not cruel enough to comment on whether it’s serious or not. It sounds awful!

Wow @RozaDiPoza...
Excruciating pain isn’t serious? And when it’s constant it absolutely can become life-threatening because of the effect on your mental health.
I’m lucky I’ve never suffered it, but I have friends who have, and been dismissed by doctors for years. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy

I've noticed @RozaDiPoza username before and have seen that you've left some harsh/not so nice comments on other people's threads too. Possibly a troll. Don't bite everyone.