How to deal life long with a MIL like this?

[yasmiina]

My MIL is very critical of my husband. After many years DH finally started realising this when she started on me and our dd. We haven't seen them since February and then lock down happened hallelujah. However I know he adores his father and brothers so our weekly contact will resume whenever it's safe too when the government allows it.

I just don't know how to handle these situations, Dh tells me to be the bigger person and let it flow through one ear and out the other but by my nature it's hard! I tend to dwell on things.

For example.

My Dh will say something about dd it could be anything and she will reply "yes it's not special most kids do that"

If he says anything nice about me it's "no it's not it's because she's (whatever she's decided)

It's like he can't say anything positive about us without her basically shutting him down and saying it.

Her daughters kids are obviously golden children and compares my dd (2) to "oh she can't do what She does" (her other grand daughter)

A recent example
She asked me how toilet training is going.. I replied it's great thanks, dd just wears pull ups at night time.. and she replied back "oh, dd daughters was out of nappies full stop by 1.5" (which is a blantant lie when DSIL told me only a few weeks ago she's having trouble with toilet training her dd (3)

So the thought of ever even seeing her again fills me with dread.

Does anyone know if I'm being unreasonable to grey rock her constantly or is there an alternative?

I wouldn't bother visiting, let DH go and see his Dad and brothers whilst you go do something live with DD, why expose your DD to being put down and criticised?

Has it ever come up with your SIL?

I only ask because my best mate's MIL does that comparison thing constantly. It wasn't until a drunk hen do and a throwaway comment that that she and her SIL realised she does it to them both

Upon chatting about it we all discovered that it's relatively common for some bizarre reason.

She's a rude bitch, be rude back, fuck her. Eye roll to her face, say "You know nothing bad will happen if for you once you were actually nice", " Dd is special actually you are just too nasty to see" or the classic and my favourite "Ah Fuck of Mary you complete cunt"

My MIL was always v critical of DH but not his sister. I didn't realise how much until we moved in with her briefly. It got worse when DD arrived, MIL became v critical of DH. Why got me most was that DH didn't have a great childhood, MIL knew nothing until a few years back as it was hidden and when she found out she was annoyed that she hadn't been told immediately. Absolutely no support and ignored that he had protected his sister as youngsters. It made me break, she continued like this until DD was ill and couldn't see her, she cut contact and tbh it's made our lives easier, particularly DH who has battled with MH in part because of this. Our lives are more positive and we wouldn't go back, it's poison. I guess it depends on how you and your DH feel and whether you could put up with it.

Pull her up on it.every.Single. Time. Have responses ready.

Either that or don’t see her any more.

Absolutely no reason you need to see her at all. My best days with exh were when I stopped seeing his dps...
Bliss.

Why isn't DH's father shutting it down with the mum?

I know the answer. DH hasn't yet realised his dad an enabler. FIL is as responsible for this nonsense as MIL is. DH still thinks his dad is nice. He has not yet realised his dad will allow him to be abused for the sake of an easy life.

The obvious solution is to invite FIL round to yours but not MIL. Of course he won't come because he prioritises his wife's moods over his children.

Suggest to DH that his dad should be blocking his mum from being horrible to you.

I would not grey rock. Nor would I let it wash over me. I would not let DH be like his father. Is he really going to stand there and let her be horrid to his own children, to his own wife? I'd be putting a rocket up him for not defending you and and children.

He needs his head shaking. Yeah, his dad has taught him to sacrifice the children to appease the wife. Fuck that.

If DH must appease to feel good, well, he can learn to appease you not his mother.

I agree with pp. Either refuse to visit or call her out on her nastiness every single time without fail. Say, "How sad you can't ever say something nice about your grandchild. Is there a reason for this?"

Stop allowing her to get away with being such a miserable bitch.

I would stop seeing her. Tell your DH he's welcome to make up an excuse if he wants to but you don't want to spend time with her anymore.

Mil once made a comment about our messy house... I told her she knew where the door was.
My dd once heard her threaten to slap my ds across the face.
I am not ashamed to say I whispered to her slyly if she touched one of my dc she would be thrown out of my house..
Ime they give out what you accept..

Get tough op...

My MIL went through a phase of this. I stopped going to visit. I also pulled her on it a few times. She now considers me 'scary' (which is code for 'I dont let her away with rubbish).

Considering she is doing it around your kids and belittling them, I wouke consider having a serious talk to DH about telling her to back off or you limit the time with the kids to bare minimum. My DHs family are very nasty to each other, they speak horrifically at times, and I have said I am not having his family show that example to our DD, so I know I will eventually have to threaten to keep DD away unless they act like they vaguely like each other.

Be tough. Your MIL is doing this because she thinks she can get away with it. Dont let her walk all over you forever.

@TorkTorkBam I want to give your comment a round of applause

@lyralalala Nope, because sil is her daughter she revels in it, but I did mention to her that her mum told me something else and she just ignored it lol!! I don't want them to know it bothers me because then they will do it more

@CalmdownJanet I did finally bite back yesterday on the phone. She mentioned something about DD not being able to say her "chosen grandma name" (she wanted mama lol but we chose differently obviously) and I said "well she says Grandma absolutely perfect to my mother, and she says everyone else's name but she doesn't really know you are"

@Aquamarine1029 I did this.. then she started crying hysterically after the 10th time with "I can't say anything I should just be silent around my DIL from now on" DH was like yes lol.

His dad has admitted his favourite grand child is his daughters son.. I was sat there gobsmacked (dd was 1 at the time) and Dh was like "there allowed their opinions there just very blunt but I'm sure dd will favour your mum like she does" ...

That's not biting back. Not even close. That's mild passive aggressive sniping.

Saying "oh for fuck's sake, not this again" then hang up and don't answer the phone or messages until tomorrow. That's approaching bite back.

What so she started crying hysterically and after that you reverted to tiptoeing around her? She knows that in a game of chicken you always veer off first. Don't. Stop it. Power on through it.

Wow. The crying. The saying DILs DS is the favourite. Are you sure we dont have the same MIL?
My MIL said at her grandsons birthday party last year that she wanted to 'swap' my DD for another baby at the party because my DD is a 'grump'. She was 7 months old.

Accept you will make her cry. Always remind yourself that this is the way she manipulates people. This is how she has gotten away with saying what she wants. Its probably why your DH wont bite back at her. My DH is the same. She is a bully. Be strong back. She will get used to keeping her mouth shut.

You are not using your legs often enough for walking out of there with the children.

You are not using your fingers often enough to end the phone call.

Your DH sounds wet as a haddock. I agree with @TorkTorkBam and @CalmdownJanet. Just call her on the rude remarks each time, or show her the consequences, as if you’re housetraining a dog — just get up and go home as soon as she makes one. Either she’ll stop and your encounters will be pleasanter, or she’ll continue, in which case you will see her for about a quarter of a second, after which you can go home. Win win.

So MIL criticises you all & it's dealt with by you all seeing her once a week?

Where's the sense in that?

Tell your husband if he wants to endure that he can do-alone

Don't put yourself or your daughter through it any more!

Oh this situation is awful op. I experienced it with my mil who favoured her daughter over my dh, mainly because my dh would stand up to her bullying (to an extent) but her dd was entirely under her thumb.

It's one thing when your mil is rude to your DH, because he is an adult who can protect himself (horrible though it is). But it will become much worse if not nipped in the bud, and your dd becomes old enough to notice and be hurt by your mil's favouritism.

I think I would, politely but very clearly, say something like "I notice that you constantly compare my DD unfavourably with X (her daughter's DD). Dd is fortunately too young to understand atm but if you continue to do this when she is older, I will be forced to protect her and keep her away."

Or alternatively just go NC when she inevitably goes too far (which is what I had to do).

What a nasty old cow. Let your DH see them by himself.

Sympathies. DH sat professional exams alongside working over many years whilst SIL went cycling round New Zealand, yet because he now earns well he "always lands on his feet" apparently. Maybe that's why SIL got a £10k house deposit and all her wedding paid for and DH got nothing.
PIL also once referred to SIL DC as "ours". Many other favouritisms over the years they think haven't been noted.
We live an hour away so don't see them often now. I never ever answer the phone to them.

Your fIL sounds just as bad tbh....there not going to be good for your DC. Protect them from the pair of them