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AIBU?

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Original poster

To move my son in anyway?

76 replies

SquishyBones · 19/05/2020 06:28

I have another thread going on about ending my marriage. There is a bit of info I left out because ... well I don’t know why but I can’t add it now as it would look like a massive drip feed.

I have a 21 year old son who is living in student shared house. His contract runs out first of June and he’s asked to come home. Of course I said yes, no problem. We live in a big 4 bedroomed house with 3 of those bedrooms being unused. Why would I say no?

DH (not his dad) has said no. My son has never put a foot wrong, has worked since he was 13 (paper rounds, newsagent, bakery, retail store ... ) and has completed a university degree with no financial help as DH wouldn’t let me send him financial help (yes I’ve now realised how fucking stupid and controlled ive been). Now my son is set to be homeless and he’s saying “tough, not my problem, he has to stand on his own two feet and get a job” ... yet his own son (24) is living at home with his mother and hasn’t worked a day in his life.

I’ve had many arguments with him about not letting my son come home and last night I asked “so, if for whatever reason your son had to move out of his mothers house you would say he couldn’t come here?” ... he hesitated and replied “well, I don’t know ... that’s different”.

Straw that broke the camels back. So fucking hypocritical. He doesn’t give a shit about me or my son. This is what brought everything crashing down to me like a fucking freight train. For years I have been controlled and had my relationship with my son ripped to pieces. Now he’s willing (probably hoping) that my son goes NC with me and I will lose him.

The rest of the stuff in my other thread was true ... but this was the main reason for my thread last night. The nail in the coffin. This is why I want a divorce.

In the meantime, can I move my son in anyway?? It’s all a massive fucking mess. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
mudpiemaker · 19/05/2020 08:40

Take photos on your phone of any important documents also squirrel them away, the photos are in case they go missing do all that before you move out of the bedroom. You want to be as prepared as possible.

Welcome your son home, see yourselves as a team. You can do and be so much better and more than you are. Get out of this marriage. Start divorce proceedings, you do not need his permission.

Make a list of everything wrong in your relationship and keep referring back to it to remember why you are doing this.

Doughnut100 · 19/05/2020 08:50

Oh also - be prepared for your husband to get nasty. Abuse usually gets worse at the time you leave. He has been controlling you with emotional abuse but he is losing his control so the abuse will probably escalate. Definitely as mud pie says take photos of docs and get as much info as you can about your rights, get prepared before he realises you will leave him. You might have a nasty fight on your hands. But you will get through it and there are happier days ahead. X

FlamingoQueen · 19/05/2020 08:51

Let your son move in - send DH out for a walk - you’ll have his bags packed in double the time!

VerityB1 · 19/05/2020 09:00

Need to let your son know it will be a weird environment. (It's not surprising his son lives with his ex is it.)

Please get some legal advice about divorcing and so forth and in the meantime make sure you have to hand important paperwork and details of his bank accounts etc.

Can you say something like: "I have asked DS to move in." So you are telling not asking permission. I guess he's prob afraid he will have to curtail his awful behaviour with someone else around. Ultimately, the house needs to be sold and monies split or can you buy him out?

guanciale · 19/05/2020 09:08

move him in. tell him to protect himself from your abusive husband.

TheShepherdsCrown · 19/05/2020 09:13

Yes move your son in and start divorce proceedings against your soon to be ex husband. Don’t tell your husband your plans, get to the best solicitor you can find and get your ducks in a row before he knows. Take copies of financial documents etc. So he can’t ‘lose’ them. But do let your son know about the situation before he moves in. It will be tough and I suspect your husband will be antagonistic and unpleasant to live with. Good luck

IndecentFeminist · 19/05/2020 09:18

As a short marriage with no children, you can probably expect to take out what you put in.

And yes, move your son in.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 19/05/2020 09:27

Absolutely move your son in, then start divorce proceedings. If your arse of a husband kicks off, tell him it’s just temporary while the house is sold and mean it.

JinglingHellsBells · 19/05/2020 10:10

I think it's potentially an awful idea to move a 21 yr old in to a home where the couple of going to divorce!

It's bad enough kids coming home after uni when it's happy home!

I guess none of these posters have had boomerang children come back home! They find it so hard to adjust.

The atmosphere will be awful and the son will potentially be caught in the cross fire.

Far better to support him to live somewhere else.

@SquishyBones What happened pre-uni?

Did he live with you and your husband as he would have been 13 when you met him. Has he come home during uni holidays?

How do they get on?

LannieDuck · 19/05/2020 10:50

Tell your son what's going on. He may not want to move in under these circumstances... I'm not sure I would.

Wannabangbang · 19/05/2020 10:53

Get your dh bags packed and ready next time he goes for a walk and lock the beastard out. And then move your son in!
I wouldn't let anyone who doesn't accept my kids ever be a husband of mine!

Kraejka · 19/05/2020 11:03

I'm on your other thread. It's a bit difficult with you having two threads. This one throws more light on the other situation - ie. the whole thing is not just about some bloke slightly addicted to gaming who pays you little attention. This man is an arsehole.
He should not be banning you from moving your son in. The house is large, there is plenty of room and he has no alternative at the moment. What does he want you to do? Let your son become homeless?

The marriage is over. Move your son in.
Phone a solicitor to get advice and start things moving towards getting a divorce.

Bubblebee7 · 19/05/2020 11:19

This is awful and you should have got a divorce a long time ago. It should of been clear that he didn’t care about you and your Son from the moment he was saying you are not allowed to send your own Son money.
It’s tragic to hear this. I agree with others let your Son come home although you will have to be firm and put your foot down which I’m sure won’t go down too well.

@Wannabangbang has the right idea I’d be doing the same!

saraclara · 19/05/2020 11:23

I would let your son know what is happening before offering to let him stay. He needs to decide if he wants to live in that atmosphere.

Yes. I can't think of anything worse, to be honest.

Soontobe60 · 19/05/2020 11:28

Are you expecting to stay in the house when you leave him? If not, move out now to a place your ds can come to. Your h is being a shit but if he doesn’t want him to stay then why would you move him in?

recycledteenager24 · 19/05/2020 12:04

i wouldn't want to live in that atmosphere if i was your son tbh, but i'd get legal advice a.s.a.p if i was you.

JinglingHellsBells · 19/05/2020 12:45

@Bubblebee7 @Wannabangbang This often comes up on MN and it's really silly advice.

YOu cannot lock anyone out of their own home and put their bags on the street. It's illegal.

This husband has a right to live in his home.

No matter what he has done excl physical assault, no one can be prevented from living in their house where they pay the mortgage.

It's hardly the answer to this situation.

Spidey66 · 19/05/2020 12:58

I'm not surprised you're getting divorced. If your son was a drug dealer or something I'd maybe agree with him, but he sounds like a good lad.

Bubblebee7 · 19/05/2020 13:04

@JinglingHellsBells ohhh wind your neck in. Nobody is suggesting to do it forever but OPs husband needs a reality check! And to be honest if it was my child who he had been treating so shitty I would do it for a few days at least!

He is clearly taking advantage and I don’t see why OP she potentially have her Son live some where else due to the potential atmosphere either.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 19/05/2020 13:08

Absolutely move him in, and you take one of the other bedrooms for yourself. What a cunt your husband is, just based on this incident alone.

Wannabangbang · 19/05/2020 13:31

jinglebellshells but people like him need a sharp shock and with only 4 courts in the whole uk open at the moment goodluck to the weasel for getting anywhere legally presently ha ha

JinglingHellsBells · 19/05/2020 14:10

@Bubblebee7 Wind my neck in for stating what is legal? That's a new one!

You could incite him to break down the door- he'd have a legal right to enter his house.

And the OP's son is not a child- he is 21 and about to leave uni.

Sorry if you can't bear to be corrected.

JinglingHellsBells · 19/05/2020 14:11

@Wannabangbang It doesn't need a court appearance or summons- all it needs it the local police at the door to ask the OP WTF she is playing at.

Bubblebee7 · 19/05/2020 14:42

This wasn’t the only issue they have had! Yes he’s 21 but it’s been an on going issue! Like the money part! He is entitled to come home what ever the age. Also we are in a pandemic so to just go out and rent else where is a bit mad considering they have 4 rooms.

Your taking things to the extreme I never suggested to pack his bags they were your words Smile

JinglingHellsBells · 19/05/2020 16:51

@Bubblebee7 You said you agreed with another poster and this is what she said

Get your dh bags packed and ready next time he goes for a walk and lock the beastard out

So if she were to lock her husband out, how would he find somewhere to live in a pandemic? If her son can't look for anywhere, owing to the pandemic, how can her DH?