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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To move my son in anyway?

76 replies

SquishyBones · 19/05/2020 06:28

I have another thread going on about ending my marriage. There is a bit of info I left out because ... well I don’t know why but I can’t add it now as it would look like a massive drip feed.

I have a 21 year old son who is living in student shared house. His contract runs out first of June and he’s asked to come home. Of course I said yes, no problem. We live in a big 4 bedroomed house with 3 of those bedrooms being unused. Why would I say no?

DH (not his dad) has said no. My son has never put a foot wrong, has worked since he was 13 (paper rounds, newsagent, bakery, retail store ... ) and has completed a university degree with no financial help as DH wouldn’t let me send him financial help (yes I’ve now realised how fucking stupid and controlled ive been). Now my son is set to be homeless and he’s saying “tough, not my problem, he has to stand on his own two feet and get a job” ... yet his own son (24) is living at home with his mother and hasn’t worked a day in his life.

I’ve had many arguments with him about not letting my son come home and last night I asked “so, if for whatever reason your son had to move out of his mothers house you would say he couldn’t come here?” ... he hesitated and replied “well, I don’t know ... that’s different”.

Straw that broke the camels back. So fucking hypocritical. He doesn’t give a shit about me or my son. This is what brought everything crashing down to me like a fucking freight train. For years I have been controlled and had my relationship with my son ripped to pieces. Now he’s willing (probably hoping) that my son goes NC with me and I will lose him.

The rest of the stuff in my other thread was true ... but this was the main reason for my thread last night. The nail in the coffin. This is why I want a divorce.

In the meantime, can I move my son in anyway?? It’s all a massive fucking mess. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

Megatron · 19/05/2020 07:32

@Doowop20 judging by the OPs situation it's unlikely that the son will ever see her DH and I'm sure she'll make him very welcome.

FrangipaniBlue · 19/05/2020 07:32

Move your son in.

Move into a spare room.

I wouldn't even engage with him about it, grey rock and all that.

Doowop20 · 19/05/2020 07:33

Oh right so the husband is not around?

Original poster

SquishyBones · 19/05/2020 07:33

He is around, he’s in the dining room on the computer

OP posts:

Megatron · 19/05/2020 07:34

Also, don't ask for permission to consult a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Start making your own decisions and acting on them. The less your husband knows about your plans the better, until you're ready to act on them.

100% agree with this. Your husband has brow beaten you down for years by the sound of it. It's time for you to be in control.

Megatron · 19/05/2020 07:35

@Doowop20 sorry I meant that he spends all his time on his computer and doesn't interact much with the OP.

Italia2005 · 19/05/2020 07:45

SquishyBones please stick to one thread, otherwise posters aren’t getting the full picture.

rainbowstardrops · 19/05/2020 07:48

Definitely let your son come home!

Bagelsandbrie · 19/05/2020 07:49

Start by moving yourself into one of the other spare bedrooms.

Move your son home.

Start divorce proceedings and tell your son that’s your plan so if the dickhead is horrible to your son he knows you have his back and it’s only a matter of time before he’s gone. Otherwise he may think you support his treatment of him.

You should be entitled to half the house regardless of who has paid what if it’s in both names.

Disabrie22 · 19/05/2020 07:49

Get a lawyer immediately, move your son in - but be prepared - if you don’t stand up to your husband and allow him to treat your child terribly - he will never forgive you (and you not supporting him through uni is bad enough.) Or can you support your child to leave elsewhere? Can you go elsewhere?

recycledbottle · 19/05/2020 07:54

I would let your son know what is happening before offering to let him stay. He needs to decide if he wants to live in that atmosphere. I dont agree that he can help you through this as that is not his role to support you through a divorce. You have obviously let him down quite a bit putting your marriage first. If you have spare money maybe contribute towards his rental costs to help him? Would living with an abusive twat and weak mother not affect his mental health? He seems to have a good head on his shoulders I dont think living with you both would really be best for him but I would absolutely let him decide. Offer him both options.

JinglingHellsBells · 19/05/2020 07:55

Your son could move back but he should also be looking for work and employment, and renting a place for himself (another house share?)

I have 2 DCs and one came back for a few years after uni, the other didn't. The one who didn't found a cafe job for a few months which was enough to pay for a house share until they got a proper job.

Your son needs to be thinking about living independently, but short term I think it's fine for him to come back to you.

Has he lived with you during the holidays from uni?

It will be a horrible atmosphere for him if you and your DH are in the throes of separating. Have you talked this over with him?

Could you move out and rent a 2-bed flat for you and your son?

AnyFucker · 19/05/2020 08:02

Haven't seen your other thread but wow you need to put things right ASAP.

Start divorce proceedings. Get the house sold and possessions divided with the help of a divorce solicitor. Put you and your son in a spare room each and stop doing anything with or for your "husband"

What the fuck have you been thinking ? Never put a relationship with a man before your children again.

PleasantVille · 19/05/2020 08:04

I read your other thread and wondered if there were any children in the relationship, obviously you need to end the marriage but I think having 2 threads is going to confuse and mean you won't get the best advice.

Can you join them together and get one deleted.

shockthemonkey · 19/05/2020 08:07

Dear Bones, I would definitely begin divorce proceedings given all the info you've put on another thread.

As for your DS, I don't know which is the best solution but agree that you should really focus now on him and your relationship with him. Personally I would want to support him as best I could and stay close to him - whether that's moving him in straight away, when the atmosphere is so tense and unpleasant, or helping him find an alternative, and funding it for him, I don't really know.

I just know you need to get rid of your nasty DH and get close again to your son.

R2519 · 19/05/2020 08:12

OP. Your husband is a c**t. I'm a guy and I'm sorry for using that word but he is. Reading your post has made me so angry he could do that with no good reason yet clearly say it would be different for his child. He clearly doesn't like your son and I'm sorry that is the case. You need to tell him to F'off and LTB (as MN would say), oh and move your son in. If he doesn't like it or tries to stop you call the police and say you are afraid of him. He will probably be told to leave the family home.

I don't normally get angry but your post has made my blood boil. I'm so sorry you are married to a complete dickhead.

Mumoftwo12345 · 19/05/2020 08:12

Have you been contributing to the household finances for the full seven years. As far as my divorce went I was told that if I was seen to be financially supporting exh in his efforts to secure properties I would be entitled to half whether my name was on the mortgage or not.
A solicitor should give you 30 mins free consult to clear this up.

drayco · 19/05/2020 08:14

Easy.

DH moves out.
Son moves in.

Sorry you're in this mess.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 19/05/2020 08:15

I would move him in and start divorce proceedings ASAP. No offence OP but your husband sounds like a nasty piece of work. I would not move out of the family home.

But move out of the shared bedroom!

The house is 50% yours - he has no right to tell you who can move into your half. And even if the house was entirely in his name, what man who loved toys would cause you such distress by not letting you help your child, especially at a time like this?

He's horrible! Get out of this "relationship" as soon as you can. (But stay in your home - as advised above). You will probably find your son's supportive presence a great help in standing up to this abusive bully.

BitchingRestFace · 19/05/2020 08:18

Op if it's not been mentioned already, start copying any documents you need, financial info etc. Get all this done before you tell him you are divorcing him.

Get yourself ready.

Good luck. Your H is a dickhead. He must really thing he is something special if he expects you to chose him over your son.

Move your son in and tell your H to fucking bore off.

Doughnut100 · 19/05/2020 08:21

You are going to get through this and have a lovely life. You are young and you will find the strength to fight - he has tried to wear you down but he won't win.

Call the national domestic abuse helpline. You'll probably get through to answerphone and they'll call you back. They might have helpful tips for the next steps legally etc. If you can chat to someone about the controlling dynamics of your relationship it will help you gather yourself to put your foot down and move your son in, and get your ducks in a row so you can divorce this nasty piece of work.

You own 50% of the house as you're married. If you get a permanent job you can easily buy yourself somewhere smaller if you sell it. X

BlueJava · 19/05/2020 08:24

Wow! If my partner wouldn't let my son move back in then partner would go pronto. Your poor son! I'd ditch the partner and move my son back in.immediately.

HerbieHerr · 19/05/2020 08:29

Your husband is a heartless cunt.
Graduating uni at normal times is hard enough, but what exactly is your son supposed to do during the middle of a pandemic?

billy1966 · 19/05/2020 08:29

Move out of the shared bedroom today.
Move your son in today.

Ring 101 and flag with the police that you are in a home that you half own, with a highly abusive man.

Be prepared to call the police the minute he gets nasty.

OP, you have not supported your son during Uni which is just awful.

Your poor son.

Welcome him into your home warmly.
Do not allow this nasty man to bully you any longer.

Stop thinking of this awful abusive man, and be a supportive parent to your son.

The police will support you.
Call them.

Find a good reputable lawyer.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 19/05/2020 08:34

Exactly what @billy1966 said

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