Fall out with my mum.. AIBU?

[HellOfATime919]

Hi everyone,

Went to visit my mum 2 days ago with my 2 DC (4 and 8). My mums neighbors children were out playing and my children started joining in. I told both DC’s to play nice and practice social distancing otherwise we would be going home. Next thing you know, the DC’s are bickering amongst each other so I tell both of them to get in to the back garden immediately - as to which my DS8 has a total meltdown (very very loud shrieking/crying - he’s currently being assessed for autism but I don’t think that has any relevance). DS4 then starts crying and refusing to come away from next doors children. So at this stage I have two screaming children on my mums drive. I grab both of their hands and warn them if they don’t go into the back garden to calm down there will be consequences. My eldest then went to hit me as to which I warned him I No and he didn’t, so I eventually managed to get them both in the back garden.

I sat them down, told them off and said regardless of who started what that they were not to argue with people and certainly not to hit or scream at people. As you can imagine my DC’s were like “but he said, but she said”, but i was firm and told them no more messing about, to stay by me, calm down and we would be leaving shortly and to not go near next doors children. My mum then jumps in and starts shouting “you’re upsetting DC8 more now by telling him your going home, there’s no need to do that your winding him up, it wasn’t their fault it was next door neighbours children who started it”, I then told my mum not to undermine me and tell me how to discipline my children. At this point DC8 is still whaling very loudly and mum then turns to my eldest son - “Dont listen DC8, it’s okay, calm down now”. And I responded “Mum, do not get involved, I’ve told them off and that is that, I do not care who started what they do not react in this way”. Then my mum responded “fuck off” to me, in front of the DC’s. I was utterly gob smacked. I said “what gives you the right to swear at me in front of my children?!” And she goes “I’m sure it’s nothing they haven’t heard between you and DH before”. I ignored it, because I could have blew up, I got the children and went home. I haven’t even addressed what has happened but neither has she and is acting like it was nothing. My mum & dad used to have terrible arguments in front of me growing up and it was awful. They aren’t together anymore and haven’t been for years. Yet she thinks this type of behaviour is acceptable ? My grandma (her mum) died of cancer 3 weeks ago and the funeral is this Friday, so I don’t feel like I can approach the situation.

Ramble , I can’t sleep.

[OldEvilOwl]

Why the hell were your children playing with next doors children in the first place? Did their parents know that you allowed your children to 'join in'? They might have members of their family who are shielding!

[Iooselipssinkships]

I'd love to go see my Mum and have the children run round the garden but they can't, because we're following the fucking rules. I don't know why other people think they're so special it doesn't apply to them, it makes a mockery of those who are missing family and doing what they're told. Yes it's hard and it's been ages but if we all acted like this then it would be a whole lot worse.

[lowlandLucky]

As much as i hate swearing in front of children i feel for your Mum, she is coping with lockdown, her Mother dying and the up coming funeral, 2 children screaming their heads off and a daughter threatening to take he r Grandchildren home, Poor soul must be at the end of her thether. Maybe she needs understanding for her Daughter

[Scrumbleton]

Cut her some slack - bereavement brings out the worst in some - my sister was an absolute nightmare when our dad died. 3 years on she’s absolutely mortified by her behaviour and she made some good lifestyle choices as a result of the consequences of her behaviour. She was VVVVU though x

[Scrumbleton]

I mean your mum (as well as my DS)

[NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite]

"my mum was fine with my DC’s playing with next doors DC’s. We’ve all been socially distancing and there isn’t a problem with the DC’s playing together - especially when they’re going back to school in June"

1. YABU in mixing households and letting your DC mix with both your DM and other children. Govt guidelines are still that households should not mix. People slagged off the Govt for not coming up with a rough pathway as to relaxing lockdown in advance but, when they do, some start behaving as if those rules have already been relaxed. (Yes, I do mean you, OP).
   
   
2. Your DM was BU for swearing in front of the children.
   
   
3. Your DM was BU for undermining you and telling your oldest to ignore what you said.
   
   Just because your DGM has died, if doesn't give your DM the right to swear at you and undermine you. She should butt out when you discipline the children.
   
   In your position I would have one conversation with her about it where you tell her that you don't look back on your childhood fondly because of her and your F arguing in front of you and you do not want your children subjected to the same. Going forward she is not to argue with you, undermine you or use bad language in front of the DC.

[NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite]

My DM's funeral was in March. I hope that, if I had behaved badly, my bad behaviour would not be excused because of her death. My DM, who never used such language anyway, needs to have her life and the person she was honoured, not used as an excuse.

[ConkerGame]

So much wrong here!

You shouldn’t have taken the kids to see her, that’s against the current rules.

You shouldn’t have let your kids play with the other kids - that’s against the rules and opening both families up to more risk. Was also asking for trouble as kids don’t understand social distancing.

You shouldn’t have ramped up the situation by shouting at your DCs and getting them so worked up. Especially when you’re supposed to be helping your grieving mum.

Your mum shouldn’t have undermined you but she was probably very upset at the thought of you all having to leave when it could so easily have been avoided.

Your mum definitely shouldn’t have sworn at you, but she’s grieving. If this is a one off, I’d leave it. If it’s not then I would wait a week or so after the funeral and then tell her it’s completely unacceptable and you’ll leave immediately if it happens again.

[Spied]

It sounds like it all just got on top of her.
We can only take so much and your DM sounds like she was trying to keep the peace before she snapped.
I don't think it's right to take the DC and allow them to play with next doors kids.
Your dm was probably stressed and on-edge about this even before adding the stress of her recent bereavement.

[CoronaMoaner]

Another one who can’t get past you letting your kids play with the kids from next door. That’s 3 households you mixed in the space of a matter of moments.