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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So pissed with OH

70 replies

Goshby · 17/05/2020 23:58

His gardening obsession . Along with his parents .

Apparently he has MORE time as working from home and not commuting ....

Guess what ..

Wakes up late ( just before shift ) though to be fair sometimes he lets me lie in while he gets our toddlers (two ) breakfast .

A lie in for me is about 9.30

I do all the night wake ups with our three month old

Breastfeeding

I do most of the cooking and all of the cleaning , plus everything about the kids all day .

He does help When he wants to ... the chores he likes but feels like it’s no different to when he was doing the three hour commute .

Now he just has more time for gardening

I bust a gut cleaning the house while juggling three young kids ... Hoping that it means that we can have a sit down as a family in the evening but no ... it’s garden or work outs .

God I’m sounding like a right moaner

Am I wrong to feel pissed ... feels like it

OP posts:

deydododatdodontdeydo · 18/05/2020 07:52

Gardening is not outdoor housework! It's a leisure activity.

Not for everybody.
But then I have been told (on MN) that walking the dog is not a leisure activity, but a chore that needs doing. It's one of the biggest pleasures of my life, but whatever.

QuestionMarkNow · 18/05/2020 07:54

So basically he is using you as an unpaid nanny, cleaner etc... whilst he is taking no responsibility for the children he created AND putting pressure in you to go back to work. I imagine he also expects you to still do 99% fo the cleaning and parenting?
And whilst the lockdown is here, he has basically been telling you that he has checked out of any responsibility he doesn’t feel like doing. He has shown you his total disrespect for you (and for the efforts you are putting for him and the family, his family)

You need to have a word @Goshby. You need to tell him that
1- less commuting doesn’t mean more time for his hobby but more time for him to be a father and a supportive partner
2- yu need some time off for yourself too. So you will every week to the same extend he is doing his hobbies (so he is spending 1~2 hours a day exercising, you take 1~2 hours a day doing what you want too)
3- as you are both still at home, use that as an excuse to divide the HW, parenting etc... to a fairer split. Give him some stuff that are HIS responsibility and only his and from now on, never ever do them again. I would chose stuff that won’t impact too much on you (cooking dinner has been one of my choices because I can wait for 1 hour more to eat and he felt the pressure to feed our two dcs).

But you need to do something because you will grow very resentful (even more than you are now).

QuestionMarkNow · 18/05/2020 07:57

Gardening doesnt take 2+ hours everyday. It’s a few hours there and then.
Gardening is also not like parenting that is 24/7, especially with two toddler and a baby.
Gardening doesn’t réuni are you to get up several times in the night, be available all day too etc... like b’fing does.

Gardening is nothing like the daily HW or parenting/bfing.

I wish women would stop getting men off the hook when they are gardening (or dojng DIY once every 3 or 4 months etc...) and say it’s equivalent. It’s NOT.

CoronaMoaner · 18/05/2020 07:58

Monday to Friday I do everything in the house and the kids.
I won’t run myself ragged cleaning though. I refuse to. So I do all the cooking, laundry, homeschool, arts and crafts with the kids, baths, bed.
If I can wipe down the kitchen surfaces I’m winning.
In the evening I’ll do my hours exercise by myself and then spend an hour in front of the tv with DH.
Weekends he takes over the majority of the childcare while I have a lie in or spend a couple of hours on my hobby.
At the moment, the bathroom is not spotless and the kitchen has seen better days but I’m prioritising time with the kids and as long as they are fed and watered the rest can wait.
Can you not set some expectations with your DP along the lines of ‘He can do the garden until 7pm and then it’s time for the two of you’?
Or let a couple of things around the house slide for the time being so you don’t feel quite so exhausted?

Marsalimay · 18/05/2020 08:10

These things aren’t binary. Some gardening activities (cutting the hedge twice a year) are a chore, others (putting in a new border) are a pleasure and others still (pottering) are an excuse.

Thehop · 18/05/2020 08:22

If you don’t want to breastfeed then introduce some bottles OP! I say this as a huge breastfeeding peer supporter! I fed mine into toddlerhood but no woman should be made to do anything she doesn’t want to!

He really can’t make you! Maybe introduce a bottle overnight so he can do a feed and go from there, slowly?

You sound utterly fed up of. Ring the only one who can’t choose what they do and you’re right, it’s not fair! You need some support x

Mary1935 · 18/05/2020 08:28

He’s very selfish. Some great advice on this thread.
Now we are out of lockdown why don’t you go out and meet a friend or a family member with the baby.
Don’t cook for him or do his washing.
You are not his maid.

EatsShootsAndRuns · 18/05/2020 08:41

Now we are out of lockdown

Except we're not out of lockdown. It's been eased, not ended. Which will mean a second peak and a lot more deaths because of idiots like you who persist in saying and acting as if the lockdown has ended.

goose1964 · 18/05/2020 08:48

Let the toddlers help him.

Baconking · 18/05/2020 09:06

@DarrellMakepeace Can you not tell if she means pissed off or drunk by the context of the post?

Gardening is a massive chore! I wish my DH would do some weeding but he hates it as much as I do.
We both love sitting in a nice garden but don't want to put the work to keep it looking that way.

DarrellMakepeace · 18/05/2020 09:18

Title indicates they are having a party together, Bacon.

Elieza · 18/05/2020 09:35

Why is it some parents, mostly dads, seem to think that they come home from work and that’s them off duty? Er, no! There is still stuff to be done.

Get him told that you’ve been working all day so you’re not continuing to work all evening too. Either you take turns of me time (mine on a Monday, Wednesday, his on a Tuesday, Thursday or whatever) or you do equal shares of stuff each night (I’ll entertain them for a hour if you do the bedtime routine as that’ll take an hour)

It has to be fair. Same at weekends. You should both have time to yourselves not just him. You are both working. You both need a rest. Childcare is hard work.

Badassmama · 18/05/2020 09:37

He should absolutely be helping out more and taking the opportunity to spend time with the kids. Yanbu at all.

RandomSelection · 18/05/2020 09:40

So what does he say when you sit down and explain to him how you feel? Have you explained that you feel you are doing everything? What does he say when you have asked him to not do so much gardening and to take some of the pressure off you?

Maybe he thinks that by doing the gardening he is indeed helping. I don't really like weeding, it's a chore to me, maybe he thinks he's doing a good thing. When you have pointed out that fencing off part of the garden means the kids don't have as much room to play, what did he say? Had he even thought about it.

And I know, I know, he should think abut these things and be more pro-active in asking if you need help. But maybe he just hasn't realised or thought about it much. On the other hand if you HAVE asked and he is still no use, then it's time to lay down some rules for this unusual time. Be firm and insist he be part of the team!

LouHotel · 18/05/2020 09:48

What happened with your older kids, does he get up with them in the night if they wake now they don't breastfeed?

If the answer is no then the likelihood if you stop breastfeeding your baby is your still very doing the night feeds but now having to faff with bottles.

You are being a martyr if your rushing to get everything done for him to finish work, you have a 12 week who presumably feeds every 2-3 hours, don't do this to yourself- let the chores go and enjoy your time with your toddlers.

Ask him to take over dinner a couple nights a week, personally all of them if your cluster feeding in the evening and breastfeeding is so important to him.

Just let the toddlers in the garden, taking a space away from them in lockdown is lunacy.

Waveysnail · 18/05/2020 09:50

Walk into garden. Hand him a small person and keep repeating until he gets the message

Zaphodsotherhead · 18/05/2020 09:51

I had an ex that thought because he did the gardening therefore I had to do all the housework. But - housework is made by all the people in the house, washing, cleaning, hoovering, dusting - most of this doesn't need doing as much if you live alone (I live alone and now and only do 'housework' once a fortnight). Gardening needs are dictated by 'want to' not 'need to'. Nobody will die if the grass isn't cut. People WILL suffer if food isn't cooked and basic hygiene isn't carried out.

Your DH is using gardening because it makes him look busy, he can pretend it's all important and needs doing etc etc. But really, it's a hobby. Maybe you could suggest that he helps you in the house and you can help him in the garden? (I know that won't work but it may show that you are trying...)

LouHotel · 18/05/2020 09:52

OP I have 3 kids the only daily things I made sure I did with a young baby is one load of laundry so it doesn't build up, cleaning food up before we go out and ensuring nappies etc were put in the bin - you've done this before you know the young baby phase gets easier but it's not all on you to manage.

Fifthtimelucky · 18/05/2020 10:32

I always thought that one of the beauties of breastfeeding a baby at that age was that night feeds were so easy.

OP: are you feeding your baby lying down? By three months I hardly woke up at all. The Moses basket was next to the bed. I'd hear the baby getting restless, reach over and bring her into bed with me, feed for a few minutes, then put her back. I never got out of bed, didn't put the light on, and she never reached the crying stage, so I never really woke up properly and my sleep was very little disturbed.

@crispysausagerolls I remember that stage so well. I know sleep training is not considered a good thing these days but I resorted to it when my older daughter was 18 months. She would sleep until 1.30 or so, then wake for a feed and stay awake for about 3 hours, happily climbing all over me, pointing to bits of my body and declaring 'mummy nose', mummy eyes' etc. She'd eventually go back to sleep at about 4.30 and then the alarm would go off at 6.00 and I'd get up to get ready for work. I was permanently exhausted.

We tried controlled crying on the advice of the health visitor. We had one difficult night, when I got up about 10 times to settle, but not feed, her. The second night she slept through, and never woke again in the night. I wished I had done it much earlier. It's no coincidence that I got pregnant the next month!

LannieDuck · 18/05/2020 11:01

OH really things BF is critical

If you want to stop BFing, and he's desperate for you to continue, he needs to facilitate it, i.e. make it as easy as possible for you. It could mean you feeding baby and him waking up to do the getting-baby-back-to-sleep part. Alternatively, would you be happy to try expressing during the day so he can wake up and give an expressed bottle overnight? Or could you switch to BFing during the day and he gives bottles overnight?

In general, you and he should have as much free time as each other. I tend to favour splitting chores in the early morning/ evenings/ weekends (your 9-5 is looking after the children, and mirrors his time spent working). But at the very least, work out what time is left after chores, and split it. Block out an evening during the week and half a day each at weekends where the other person gets to do their own thing without childcare duty.

Basically, don't let him take all the free time and leave you with none.

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