So pissed with OH

[Goshby]

His gardening obsession . Along with his parents .

Apparently he has MORE time as working from home and not commuting ....

Guess what ..

Wakes up late ( just before shift ) though to be fair sometimes he lets me lie in while he gets our toddlers (two ) breakfast .

A lie in for me is about 9.30

I do all the night wake ups with our three month old

Breastfeeding

I do most of the cooking and all of the cleaning , plus everything about the kids all day .

He does help When he wants to ... the chores he likes but feels like it’s no different to when he was doing the three hour commute .

Now he just has more time for gardening

I bust a gut cleaning the house while juggling three young kids ... Hoping that it means that we can have a sit down as a family in the evening but no ... it’s garden or work outs .

God I’m sounding like a right moaner

Am I wrong to feel pissed ... feels like it

You sound really depressed. Do you have anyone to talk to?

I do . But why do you think that ?

OP, if you're on mat leave that doesn't make you the cleaner. Why is he not splitting the household chores outside of his working hours 50/50? What does he say when you suggest this?

If he sees it all done so he can head to the garden... leave him some washing and childminding to jump onto while you get dinner.
Also, unsegregate the garden. How big is it? Most of it should be available to your dc during lockdown, id say to him either it’s available or you parent during the day. Other people are working are parenting, you don’t have to parent and are deliberately making it harder for me too.
It sounds like you’re fed up about a lot of things op. Breastfeeding should be your choice and if you would be happier introducing a bottle a day then do that.

You have other kids? Tell him they are joining him outside vitamin d is very good for them especially right now and they need to spend time with him

You don’t have to breastfeed. I have seven children and breastfed two of them. I fed them all. What is more important is your state of mind. I always find it slightly ironic when men have strong views on breast-feeding when it gives them such a get-out clause from night-parenting. Surely he should be doing more day-parenting especially if other children to counteract when possible. It is unfair if one gets hobbies and one doesn’t!! The sheer exhaustion of broken nights needs a safety valve, your family dynamic has changed and you and he need to calmly talk.

Stop breastfeeding and have him do his fair share.

Funny how these men manage to have everything revolve around them.
Can't do anything because 3 hour commute
No commute but still can't do anything.

Will giving him a list of things to do work?

Gardening is the biggest chore of all to me, I hate it, so I think he doing the gardening plus other chores would be perfect for me.

It sounds like you don’t like him much though, or are just at loggerheads during this stressful time, or something else going on along those lines.

Pissed off? Or drunk?

Maybe you should get pissed and renage on your duties, take a back seat. Get on the sun lounger with your headphones on.

I consider gardening as outside housework!

If he's working on a project in the gardening that's not housework that's him gardening for fun. AKA getting out of the house so you have all the grunt work to do. I'd be pissed off too

He wants you to breastfeed so that he doesn’t have help with night feeds?
He only does the chores that he likes to do?
He’s cordoned off the garden while there’s a lockdown and you have 2 toddlers?
He spends all free time gardening so there’s no proper time together?

Very selfish.

Why don't you sit him down and explain how you're feeling? That you want you both to have equal amounts of time to yourself and you also want to spend more time together as a family.

What would happen if you had that conversation?

I agree that gardening is "outdoor housework"!

I'd be happy to swap, OP, my DP hates gardening unless it involves decimating shrubs with a hedge trimmer but is a great cook, loves children and babies and would happily look after them all day.

In a child-free house, his skills are wasted and I'm breaking my back doing the garden.

No idea why most of the replies are negative. You deserve as much free time as he has, more as you are recovering from giving birth and have interrupted sleep due to a feeding a newborn.

Either he sees the inequality and doesn’t care enough to change it or doesn’t see the inequality. You need to tell him the inequality (that he should be able to see for himself!) and ask him what is going to change to make it fairer.

I assume he sees ‘gardening’ as helping out in the house, or at least will try to argue that. I think what is important needs to be agreed between you both, not decided by him. You suggestion that some time together is important is perfectly valid.

Gardening can be a chore or a hobby, depending how much you like it. Even then, some jobs are chores (cutting our huge hedge).
If he didn't do the gardening, would it get done?
So it needs doing.

What hobbies do you have that you are missing OP? Have you told him how you feel? Can you reach a compromise to unable you to get some time to yourself for a while.

It’s clearly getting you down and that’s understandable, I had two under two that I BF it is really hard work being on that constant treadmill, so I get it.

We all need a break sometimes.

Enable 😂

Depends what the project is really. If it's enhancing the garden, then to me its outside decorating.

Gardening can also be an excuse to get out of the house so you don't have to deal with domestics. It still looks like you are contributing but you do it to avoid housework / family responsibilities etc.

Stopping breastfeeding a 3 months old as some sort of battle against your husband is a horrible idea- please ignore that.

I’m in quite a similar position to you in that I have a toddler who is still BF and wakes up frequently at night, wants milk sometimes from 3.30am until 5.30. And since I’m heavily pregnant and have no proper milk, it’s not possible for me to doze with this happening - it’s just uncomfortable and I need to pee etc so can’t sleep and wait for him to be done. The exchange is that DH is supposed to get up at 5.30/6 when he has a break from milk and take him downstairs BEFORE he starts screaming for more. As I’m tapped out. Of course he takes 10 mins to take up so DS is screaming for milk. And if he takes him down he lets him run amok completely and doesn’t parent properly. All so I can have a lie in until 7am. I always threaten DH with him doing all the night wakings instead but I know I couldn’t actually listen to DS cry for me so I’m stuck.

Unfortunately it’s just being a mother and breastfeeding. Mostly I love it but it does often feel unfair, and it feels unfair most of all that the men do not and can not understand the tiredness.

The garden thing would incense me. It’s nice for him to have something he enjoys, but this should be limited to a set time a day eg an hour, and he should obviously spend time with you in the evening!!!!!

Gardening is not outdoor housework! It's a leisure activity. Mowing the lawn, strimming and pulling up the weeds when they're getting out of control are the essentials that take a couple of hours every fortnight (provided you don't have a massive garden). Yanbu, he needs to pull his weight in the parenting stakes.