AIBU to think my friend is negging me?

[coulddowithashag]

She used to be my BF, is beautiful, a few years younger, has a very comfortable life as her husband is relatively successful and three beautiful daughters.
So I don't see any reason for her to say the things she does and I cut her a lot of slack because I know she had issues when we were younger and she found out her DF was not her biological father.
Some of the things she had said
-oh I can't let you go out in a floral skirt you look like a nana
-when I said I wanted a new kitchen 'well no ones kitchen is as bad as yours'

• I have a rather sticky out bottom and she said 'you actually like your bum don't you'
• when my DH and I went out for a meal I had just started at university and she did not allow me to talk about it. Never asked how it was going, changed topics and dominated the conversation all night.

She also fell out with me when I didn't take my DD to her DD birthday party and told me that I didn't treat my husband right. I am at a loss what to think. Any ideas what is going on here?

Why not try telling her everything you’ve told us. If she’s really lovely in other ways and you think she’s insecure, you could give her the chance.

I don’t think you need to understand why she is like she is. The fact is, how she is is bitchy, demeaning and dismissive when life is going well for you and all concern and support when it delivers harsher times. It could be for a number of reasons but they don’t matter. Only how she makes you feel matters.

A good friend does not act like this which I’m sure you know. They are there through the bad times not because it makes them look good or feel better, but because they genuinely care. They are there to celebrate the better times because good friends are happy to see good things happening for others. Start to distance her and cut direct involvement in your life. You deserve better.

My MIL used to be good at doing this. I decided that next time she said something hurtful I would reply with 'What a lovely thing to say, thank you!'

PP were right to call her a foul weather friend - I know people like that. Whether it is is through needing to feel superior or their own insecurities the result is the same. People who make catty comments know what they are doing.

I am not sure.

You say she was an amazing support to you when you had cancer. Well, that's probably better than 50% of friends would be.

The remarks are all the type of thing that said in context could be more that 'forthright' say it how it is personality.

I don't see anything terrible, to be honest. Over a decade or however long you listed stuff.

My kitchen is terrible and if my BF said that, we'd have a laugh about it whilst talking about changing it. Ditto floral skirt remark, she sounds like she was helping you get ready/giving advice and it may have been a bit forthright.

If you feel these remarks add up to her being a bitch, dump her, but I am not sure you are reading this right at all. But if you would prefer not to have her friendship, then of course, get rid.

She's a bitch and I'd call her out every time for those comments. She's one of those people who needs others to be as miserable as her.

Throughout my twenties I had some friends like this. I AM going to be using "negging" as I quite like a new word. In my thirties I feel liberated. I say what I think in a messured way. Call people out very pubically when they are being nasty to others and just cut people out of my life who are arses, with no explanation. When you know longer give a hoot its very liberating. I don't want to be friendspeople just because our kids go to school together.

I had a friend like this that I’d known since secondary school.

I had to cut her out of my life when I was 30, I couldn’t stand it anymore. She was just a cow who made me feel like shit.

Whenever I called her out on something she’d put on a baby voice and say “oh no no no, I didn’t mean that”. Ugh. She spoke to me in a baby voice quite a lot actually. She had a superiority complex over me.

My MIL behaves like this too. I've reduced contact with her to a bare minimum, suggest you do the same.

OP - you say you've had major health issues and then say you've made the best of things. Even if she has on paper a 'perfect' life - what she likely doesn't like - going from my own experience with similar sounding people - is even though you've experienced adversity the fact that you're confident and positive. She, more than likely wants you to be a miserable 'debbie downer' so she could 'rescue' you - and because you have a positive attitude - you're not giving her that opportunity
OP - if I were you I'd run for the hills.

I’d rather have no friends than friends like that.

So how did she respond when you said, “why shouldn’t I like it?”

Someone can only put you down if you let them.
Just pretend not to hear, if she says it a second time just say ok.
A third time just look her dead in the eyes say nothing and carry on.
Ignoring bad behaviour in an adult and refusing to acknowledge their comments tends to make them reconsider their actions.

I used to have a friend like this (they seem to be surprisingly common). She would say things like 'oh I like your new haircut, it doesn't make you look so old'. Someone else may say 'oh I like your hair, it makes you look younger', but she would put the emphasis on the 'old'.

Every single time she said something like that I would say 'what do you mean' and challenge her every single time. She stopped in the end so it was clear it was deliberate rather than 'foot in mouth' but I couldn't be arsed to keep the friendship going because I found her exhausting tbh.

OP, I would question her every single time. Not just defend yourself, but actually question what she means. You might find she starts fumbling over her words and may actually put more thought into what she says. Or you could sack her off, she doesn't sound like much of a friend.

She is not a nice friend! She doesn't see you as an equal, she just uses you to boost her own self-esteem. Start building bonds with other people in your social group, and reduce the amount of time you spend 1:1 with her.

I had a friend who was like this - whilst I was in an abusive relationship she was brilliant, and was instrumental in getting me away, supporting me through court etc. She was also great when my father died soon after.

Then when I was through it all and happy, she turned on me.

I sussed what was happening, and just stopped talking about the good things in my life - glossed over them completely. It means you lose connection and contact, and I don't see her at all now. But there's not another way around it really. I don't even think these types of people do it deliberately, I think it's just they feel bad about themselves, and when you are going through it, they feel a real empathy. But if your life is going well, it shows them their life in stark contrast.

Next time she does it say ‘I’ve been meaning to talk to you about your put downs for a while. When you put me down it makes me feel awful and it makes me want to end the friendship’ then wait it out and let her respond

Some people will behave as badly as you let them. Maybe she thinks you just don't care or are at least willing to allow her to vent nastiness, frustration or whatever, on you.

I can understand how it happens though. When someone is nasty, it really takes your breath away and renders you speechless. The amount of scathing comebacks that I have devised after the event is ridiculous.

My favourite approach, particularly when I am interacting with a known offender, is a loud, offended-but-jokey "Oh...wow...that is nasty. Are you telling me that I have an ugly bum (or whatever)?"

It really works. They backpedal so quickly and you can laugh it off without looking too precious.

Stinkycatbreath Call people out very pubically when they are being nasty
Could you describe this in more detail please 🤣

This has been a lovely supportive thread so I hope you are feeling better able to deal with your friend's tricksy side coulddowithashag

When someone can only make themselves feel good by making you feel bad, then it's time to put the brakes on in a relationship.

You sound like a good friend OP, and I really hope your friend will revise how she speaks to you if you have a chat with her.

In my case, I asked my friend to meet me in town for a coffee, and then I did this rather splendid - though I say so myself - head-tilty faux concern thing, really laying it on thick, and asked her if she was alright (u OK hun? ) . I said I'd just noticed in the past few weeks - - years that she'd been making really quite hurtful remarks, and of course this really wasn't like her - - yes it was so I wondered if she was ill, or worried about anything? My head tilted so much I thought I'd need to wear one of those foam collars when I got home!

She was really quite taken aback I think. She said that maybe she'd been a bit worried about something - - trivial-- recently (but these remarks had been going on for months, if not years) and she hadn't realised that she'd been like that, and she was sorry. It seemed to give her an 'out' though because she literally stopped it there and then.

Is that something you could consider doing? I absolutely hate confrontation, but this way seemed to have the desired result, and we were friends for years afterwards.

Sorry, my strike-through things didn't work. I'm new, I will improve eventually! 😂

I don't think some of the things you have said are so bad.. the skirt / nana comment, nothing wrong with her being honest, I'd rather my friends told me I looked like a 'nana' (floral skirts can be a bit nana esque to some).. the kitchen comment seems pretty innocuous too. The comment about your bum, yeah ok, this could be a bit bitchy but I have a big sticky out bum which I have grown to love (as IT has grown with me) but they aren't to everyone's taste, I wouldn't let that bother me. She was hurt that you didn't go to her DD's party, ok so she is a little bit of a princess but she's not the heinous creature that some are making out

The uni thing, that is plain ol' jealousy. It happens (sometimes) in friendships. Even my friendships, with some of my dearest friends. I have let it go as I understand nobody's perfect. When I got engaged my DH gave me a beautiful ring, one of my friends could barely look at it. I understood though as she her boyfriend won't commit and she has told me she would dearly love to be married.

This friend has supported you through a very difficult time in your life, that is not something to put aside for some off the cuff comments.

@CarrieMoonbeams bloody excellent method! Honestly. Bravo!!!! Kill them with kindness is my favourite method and really throws them onto the backfoot. When confronted with their own faults out in the open but under the guise of your concern for them. Genius. Well done you