AIBU to think my friend is negging me?

[coulddowithashag]

She used to be my BF, is beautiful, a few years younger, has a very comfortable life as her husband is relatively successful and three beautiful daughters.
So I don't see any reason for her to say the things she does and I cut her a lot of slack because I know she had issues when we were younger and she found out her DF was not her biological father.
Some of the things she had said
-oh I can't let you go out in a floral skirt you look like a nana
-when I said I wanted a new kitchen 'well no ones kitchen is as bad as yours'

• I have a rather sticky out bottom and she said 'you actually like your bum don't you'
• when my DH and I went out for a meal I had just started at university and she did not allow me to talk about it. Never asked how it was going, changed topics and dominated the conversation all night.

She also fell out with me when I didn't take my DD to her DD birthday party and told me that I didn't treat my husband right. I am at a loss what to think. Any ideas what is going on here?

No she doesn't sound very nice at all, sounds like she has some esteem issues perhaps. Which is not your problem and doesn't mean you should have to listen to her insults.

She sounds awful tbh. I would be drawing back - who needs a "friend" like that?

Narcissist alert! She’s not a friend. Yes, she was there during your cancer, that’s because it made her look good.

Ugh I had an ex friend who did this, turned positive things into an opportunity to put a sly dig in. It was her poor self esteem that was at the root. The only way I could deal with it, was to pick her up qq on it every time , so that it became embarrassing for her I didn't let anything go, so it became hard work for her and made herqqqqqqqqqqqq think first more.

"I'm sure you didn't mean to ... (say I have a fat bum/man hands/ criticise me... ) but it ..doesn't sound very nice thing to say/ sounded unkind / bitchy /catty- you can't possibly have meant that"

"Oh dear Sandra do be careful with your choice of words, that didn't sound at all nice

"Sandra , Others who overheard you might get the wrong idea about the kind of person you are... not me, of course I know you're not trying to be unkind , you just didn't realise how awful what you just said sounds to others..."

She’s insecure. She’s brought that social group together so she’s the leader of the pack and in control. I guarantee that if she gets a sniff of you meeting the others without her or you not wanting to know her she’ll cut you out of the group and instigate the others to drop you. She’s probably quietly slagging you off to the others behind your back anyway. Does she put the others down to you? She’s not a nice person. Distance yourself a bit. Cut contact in half and try to engineer reasons to meet the others

I don’t know....those comments sound awful out of context, but it’s in some people’s characters to say things like that. I actually laughed at the floral skirt/nana one; I can almost hear one of my friends saying it. I think only you can decide what you’re prepared to put up with in a mate and whether the good outweighs the bad or not. If you feel she is relentlessly bitchy and undermining, that may not be someone you need in your life. If she’s essentially a caring friend whose company you enjoy, maybe her bitchy/competitive remarks could be understood as insecurity and tolerated. Depends how it makes you feel. I’m not suggesting you ‘put up and shut up’ of course. The phrase ‘Please don’t speak to me like that’ might come in useful at times.

I had an ex-friend who used to do this. Note the work EX. It gets very draining after a while and, In my case, I think some of it came from annoyance that I was no longer her sad single mate that she like lord it over. Has something changed in your life that would mean she would feel like she needs to assert herself so to speak?

*could Lord it over

Meh.
Doesn't sound that bad. I wouldn't take any of that to heart and the birthday thing sounds a little questionable on your part tbh.

If you are looking for an excuse to step away from the friendship, just do it.

I was thinking along redcarbluecar’s lines too. Everyone has jumped straight in to shout cunt etc...but I wonder if it’s not actually meant as banter and the overfamiliar pisstaking that many a friend dynamic shares.

She needs you to be her inferior wing woman. You have to stay in your place to be with her, your place is a step or two behind her in every department.

Regarding the birthday, I’d always accept the first invitation then there is no wrangle.

Although I do think the night she wouldn’t allow you to talk about university is possibly telling...more so than the kitchen and bum comments. Maybe.

She’s a ‘foul weather friend’

There for you when your life’s shit (when you were ill) but then hates it when you’re doing good or happy.

Only a friend during ‘foul weather’ and not during sunshine. Your place is to have things worse than her so that she feels superior. When you don’t stay in your place and have happy news, she puts it down.

She’s not a true friend.

"Negging is giving backhanded compliments to undermine another’s confidence,

It’s manipulative and its aim is to make the undermined party seek the approval of the ‘negger’."

Generally used for men trying to pick up women, which hardly seems appropriate here.
Sounds more like picking on someone, even bullying.
Some people have suggested it's just friendly banter, but it seems to only go one way.

I think you should try picking her up on the negative comments each time, like I suggested a few posts up.

If she's negging you and means to put you down, she'll turn it on you and try to argue
..It was a joke
...You're over sensitive etc
... well you have got a fat bum other people think so to... Upping the anti)

If it's banter and she hasn't realised how awful it comes across, she'll change and apologise

The same if it's meanness and she hasn't realised that you notice and that it comes across badly, she'll attempt to stop it and apologise

We call it 'naming the elephant in the room'. It's good you have spotted the elephant, now name him.

She’s jealous of you OP. Everything’s OK when you’re down & she comes charging to the rescue, but whenever you’re happy she’ll always be there to hammer you back in to the ground.

I don't know, I could think of at least the same number of incidents I've had with friends from school. When you've been together a lifetime you get a lot more time to say shitty things. I'm confident I'll have said things thay might have hurt - it was supposed to be funny and I didn't get the tone right or whatever.

Thing is, it sounds like you really don't like her. Take a step back.

She might be jealous of your happiness or something else.

What do you say when she puts you down?

Have you tried challenging it on the spot with a question and point out she’s being unkind.

Oh i have a " friend" like this ...always making catty comments.....uggggrr...this lockdown I have decided to cut her out.

Presumably over this lockdown period you haven't seen her so have you missed her? If you actually are quite happy without her in your life then distance yourself. She sounds awful and a bit insecure. I also hate people who position themselves as central of a social group. Sounds like the school playground. Ugh.

As she's part of a social group, you'd be better off thinking of some comebacks or just forcing yourself to not let what she says affect you. Just laugh and never show you are hurt. She will stop after a while. Probably move on to someone else but...
It is very simplistic but I told my DD why she was little that if people were mean, it was because they were unhappy. I stand by this, there's more to it of course. I'm not saying she deserves sympathy btw!!

This seems to be a common problem doesnt it! I have had this happen with a friend as well ,Really nice sometimes ,other times rather catty comments which have taken me by surprise . I think she likes to be the friend who is "in charge" IFYSWIM ,and if you seem to be doing well she doesnt like it and wants to cut you down to size! You have 2 options ,1 meet the others w/o her (this may backfire though) 2 Ignore the comments and talk to the others /her when out .Its a shame that some women seem to ignore the Sisterhood and turn petty when the chips are down .Maybe shes not as happy as you think she is ?

Yes I think she is insecure and to counter this she tries to put me down. I never let her see that she has hurt me! When she made the comment about my bum I just said 'why wouldn't I like it' and the skirt one I said that I didn't need style advice.
She is just so lovely in other ways but I always questioning myself about her motives. I know the difference between banter and comments made to undermine someone and it's definitely not banter!
I realise I can't change her and can only change how I respond but I find it so difficult to understand