To be fucked off with OH?

[Aibutobefuckedoff]

I’m a key worker and OH working from home. We have one DD (2)Our nursery has shut so OH has been managing whilst I’m at work (4 days) but can’t get much work done done chasing after DD. I’ve been trying to accommodate OH’s work- I do dinner and put DD down as soon as I’m home, I do a big shop on the weekend so Oh can work whilst baby naps, you get the idea, but it means I essentially don’t get a break ever.

Today I said I’d go to the shops whilst DD slept so OH could have some time to work as he said he’d been stressed about some important deadlines. As you know there’s no longer such a thing as popping to the shops, it’s a 30 min queue, etc.

I came home and DD was still sleeping. I put everything away and began some cooking. OH brought DD down and she wanted mummy so we had a cuddle and then I went upstairs to tidy up. When I was tidying our bedroom I found one of OH’s hanky’s that he uses for a wank on the ground-he had obsiously had a wank whilst I was out.

So as not to drip feed, we have not been having much sex since DD was born. I just don’t fancy it and it’s been quite painful for me. I’m still BF DD and don’t want touch from anyone right now. And my breasts used to be very sensual and now they are not at all. OH did try it on last night but I was knackered so nothing happened. He has been very patient and Never pressurises me to have sex. And I know he has to do it whilst I’m out and I’m glad he’s not going elsewhere for it. And obviously he was in a completely different space than DD and she was deep asleep so I don’t find it concerning in that way if you see what I mean. But AIBU to be fucked off that I’m standing in the bloody queue at Tesco’s and he having a wank at home? Especially when he is worried about a deadline? Or is it a fair stress releases?

[AnneLovesGilbert]

In term of finding time, I think it’s a habit like many other things. If it’s important, enjoyable, meaningful and you’re realistic about a quickie being as good for connecting together as a swinging from the chandeliers marathon, you assume you’ll do before you go to sleep and then if one or both of you isn’t up for it you skip it and have a cuddle instead.

The longer you leave it between shags the bigger a deal it becomes and you feel like you need to be in a specific place. If it’s part of your every day life, an essential part of your marriage, you just do it and the more you do it the more you want to. It’s a reflex, a habit like I said, and that doesn’t make it less romantic or exciting. Being bothered to focus on each other as husband and wife as well as parents IS romantic and exciting. I’m not saying have sex when you don’t want to but you’re not saying that’s the issue so if it’s making time then you really just have to make time.

[LouHotel]

Reading the thread 10 posts in wondering how no viper had picked up on 'wanky hankie' but alas mumsnetters never let you down.

[Dieu]

YABVU. And after 2 years of hardly any sex, it's a wonder you're even still together!

[VeniceQueen2004]

The OP's definition of 'hardly any' sex is my idea of a good batting average for people with a young breastfeeding toddler. once/twice a month since 4 mths post partum? She's hardly leaving him so long it's in danger of shrivelling away. Breastfeeding murdered my libido.

You're doing fine OP and it sounds like your husband is too, wanky hanky notwithstanding. I'd prob take the piss out of my OH for leaving it in plain sight but certainly not resent him for doing the necessary. Be kind and patient with each other (bloody hard in current circumstances I know!)

[raspberryk]

@VeniceQueen - average really? 4 months is a crazy long time in the first instance even post partum. Once or twice a month even when you have young kids isn't very much at all in my opinion. I'd have been thinking there was something seriously wrong if I went a month without sex with my dp.

[WitchyMoo]

Wankerchief oh stop I'm howling here
You don't have a wanking husband problem, the problem is everything is being left for you to do
That's the problem that needs addressing

[Megatron]

Much better for him to be doing at home while you are in Tesco than the other way round and doing it in Tesco while you're at home. I think they frown on that sort of thing.

[Bubblebu]

my goodness all the "lets compare the anecdotal sex life as briefly described by OP with my own sex life and be outraged (in either direction) by comparison is why mums net is so unhelpful and ridiculous.

all the "well if was not having sex at least 18 times per week with my partner within 1 month of giving birth to triplets like I did myself - I would expect us to split up"

followed immediately by the next mums net post protesting that the OP does not need to have sex at all and should be raising the addition of the handkerchief to the laundry as the only real discussion point with her OH.

It is just ridiculous.
Stop shaming the OP. How often she does or does not have sex with her partner is private to her and unless I have understood it wrong is not the point of the original post.

Just because if you did not have sex with your DH at least x times in the x months after giving birth would mean for YOU that divorce is definitely on the cards (whether initiated by you or your OH) does not mean that MUST also be the case for OP.

Otherwise just bin this thread for good and go and read a few tabloid articles about "how frequently does the average Brit get jiggy with their partner in 2020" and enjoy a big case of insecure compare-itis forever more.