Feeling emotionally empty

[coronanamechange2020]

Name changed for this. I fully expect to get massively flamed for this and know I am being unreasonable and needy.

Fiancé now works full time from home because of lockdown but used to work a 1 hour train commute from work. He works very hard so I feel awful for complaining.

I do 80% of the house work as I can work from home and most of my income does not need too much supervision. I would like to work but chronic illnesses means it's just not realistic to work part time and still be able to care for the house. I do all the admin, finances, postponed the wedding, tidy, do the laundry, care for the pets and fiancé. Fiancé helps by cooking and carrying the food shop but the rest is 90% done by me. I don't mind I like looking after people. I bring him coffee, arrange his lunch if he is busy working or get it ready for when he comes down. I give him a backrub to wake him up, and at night to help him get to sleep. Now he is working from home I also I also give him backrubs in the afternoon after lunch.

Lately he has been feeling low on energy. Now this is a combo of him staying up till 1-2AM and eating unhealthy. I am more then happy to cook or do foodshop if he would let me know what he wants. I keep asking him does he want me to do it and he keeps saying no he just needs some rest. By the time he gets up it is then too late so he orders a pizza. I try help him feel better letting him rest, backrubs, headrubs everything that can help. But I do feel slightly his choice of staying up till 2 or drinking beer for 5 hours on some weekend days is not helping.

This year we maybe had 2 hours of quality time. The rest was him asleep on the sofa as I give him backrubs or him reading the news for over 2 hours not talking to me. This would annoy me a hell of a lot less if the instant he perks up was not then spend gaming on the play station or doing the video family pub quiz once a week. Oh and the football beer drinking zoom time with his friends. I feel awful for saying this as he can also be the most caring fiancé ever. If he sees me liking anything he will get it for me, he always does whatever he can if he sees me upset to make me feel better, he puts up with my demanding mother, and he is taking me on my dream honeymoon. But right now I can't help but also feeling emotionally drained.

For example this weekend. I planned for us to have a nice eurovision evening yesterday. He knew it starts at 6:30. He decides to buy beer and watch football with his friends. Again no problem. What he did is that this went on from 2 unitl 7:30. I had no clue what dinner plans were so could not cook as by 7:35 fiancé was asleep and snoring. I could not tell when he would wake up either so had to wait to ask him what he wants to do about dinner. Had he told me even at 7:30 if I can cook he is tired and what he wanted that would have been ok. So at 8 he briefly wakes up to say he wants pizza and goes back to sleep leaving me to watch eurovision with him snoring next to me. If he did not want to watch it that would have been ok I just wanted to spend some time where he was not asleep or close to sleeping. He gets up at 1 earliest on a weekend so half the day is gone by then. He promised to help me with a gaming spread sheet (that he has promised for 2 weeks) tonight (i game too so I don't mind him gaming), and watching a movie tonight no phones and actually both being present etc. He started to feel unwell. I gave him a backrub and cooled him with a towel on his back. The minute he feels better he is now on the playstation again.

I know he works hard so I feel bad nagging him to do stuff but at the same time these two weeks I have just felt so emotionally drained

I do 80% of the house work as I can work from home and most of my income does not need too much supervision. I would like to work but chronic illnesses means it's just not realistic to work part time and still be able to care for the house

Do you work or not? It’s not clear from your post.

Make your own plans, prioritise yourself, your happiness and health, Go back to work PT, and stop behaving like some combination geisha and body servant.

@Nofriendsclub I planned me time during the day too it's just that one full day will be my me day too.

No medical diagnosis but triggers seem to be stress and anxiety. We found daily exercises, bath salts, supplements have helped as well as the backrub in his specific shoulder area that has always had an unexplainable click. I keep telling him he needs to get to what it is but he says it's manageable.

He did set me up a gaming station and a place for me to write so he is keen on me doing my hobbies. He suggested a cleaner to help and I agreed though it brought me into further upset as I feel it means giving into my illness and admitting defeat in a way

@Doggybiccys I have some properties I rent so other then the odd responsibility as a landlady such as chasing up people to fix stuff etc it is not a daily job etc

@Frangible tried and I was too tired to do anything other then work and cry myself to sleep out of exhaustion

I think you need to stop for a moment and think about what you want, what makes you happy, what would you like your day to look like? Your relationship sounds very one sided which is not healthy. Your life revolves around your partner. A relationship is supposed to be a two way street. You really need to work on developing your sense of self a bit more. What are your aims beyond your relationship?

Ps what would happen if you just stopped doing all these things around the house? All the back rubs and catering to his every need? Do you think he notices all the work you do around the house or does he just not want to do it himself?

Bloody hell I’ve been with DH for 11 years and never given him a back rub. If he won’t seek help for his tremors then he can’t expect you to drop everything to sort him out!

Well, scrub working and concentrate on the other stuff, if you have enough money to live on? It just sounds to me a if you would be a lot less exhausted if you stopped fussing around your partner and his perceived needs.

I think your dp needs to see a gp for medical help diagnosis for his tremor.
You are taking care of him to your own detriment.
The saying you can’t pour from an empty cup has never been more meaningful.
You are giving him back rubs morning noon and night and head rubs to soothe him but it doesn’t stop him playing his games all night and drinking. He doesn’t want to seek help because it’s manageable. The only person doing anything to help is you.
What was your relationship ship like before lockdown. Do you go out on your own to meet friends etc?

Also to go back to this
Fiancé helps by cooking and carrying the food shop
So now after your talk you are doing the cooking and he is hoovering?
Hoovering is by far the easier end of the deal

@ECBC he does fully appreciate it and just gave me the sweetest forehead kiss and hug saying thank you so much for always spoiling him. He says he will start pulling his weight more on the weekend so I can get some propper rest and we both still have energy to spend the evenings together to do stuff we enjoy together.

On one level looking after people brings me joy. One reason I trained as a nursery nurse, and I used to help out at my local girl guides 3 nights a week for an hour after I had to quit my part time work.

We once did have this talk before about what makes me happy etc and I said for me the main thing is I want a family to do family stuff with, walks on the beach or park etc going to museums etc.

I do see I need to make more time for my own hobbies too and he said he was worried the trap I was falling into but was not sure how to approach me about it in case it upset me etc.

So we agreed I will spend a set amount of time focused on my own projects and he will schedule his time to be more in balance with mine

So out of a month you get one day when you can sleep in and have "you time" and he get the other 7? He's got right you under the thumb. It sounds so formal when you say the first saturday of every month. Like a business detail, not a loving relationship.

No, no, no. This is not
going to end well. I can foresee what will happen if you marry this man and have DC. You're a 1950's housewife slave and you're not even married yet. Woman up, stop indulging him you're not his mother and stop with the bloody backrubs!

@Nofriendsclub it's penciled in chores. I will do what I can manage and still have enough energy to do something other then chores. What ever I can't do will get done the next day if I can't or he has to manage. We will batch cook some stuff to freez for nights both of us are tired.

We need to be more flexible as some days are better then others but I will no longer use all my energy just to keep the house going so to speak

@Tiredmum100 I will also make time out of my day to day to make time for myself on top. The Saturday is just set so it is a none negotiationable etc. He has said he will do more around the house to make my life easier

If I never read the word 'back rub' it will be too soon

Same!

Are you and fiance from the UK OP? I'm just wondering if some of these things are cultural differences/expectations? I have a friend from another country whose marriage is a little like what you've described.

Please remember you deserve to be happy and you are not a slave.

@Windib my mother is japanese and my dad came from a Jewish background (i think my grans father was half jewish) so I guess both cultures that heavily focus on the role of a mother and wife. My family is still in shock fiancé cooks and keep saying what will I feed my kids, he will leave me if I don't cook (none of that is true fiancé assured me repeatedly. I keep saying I can cook basic things it's just the way we divided the house work etc)

@Tiredmum100 yes I realize that and also see if I want to take care of people and make them happy I need to recharge too and be happy as well etc

@Windib does not help my main male role model was my japanese grandfather who was very traditional. He did love his daughters and granddaughters even more then the boys to a certain extend and I was certainly the favourite but there was very clear behavior exceptions

I’d have said that sitting hunched/still on a computer for gaming every night won’t help issues with arms/hands. I’d have thought that any nerve issues with the spine/neck, affecting the arms, would be exacerbated by that position..... he needs to learn to help himself too.

@HollaHolla I did tell him that he needs to start making better choices

So you rub his back constantly, that’s why it’s “manageable”. What does he do for you that’s the same time and effort? A forehead kiss is not like that. If I rubbed DP’s back three times a day I would expect something similar for me or at least something housework wise that made it feel like a trade off. You’re demeaning yourself OP. You’ve talked about this with him, let’s see if he actually does any of it without nagging or at all. I’m afraid I don’t have high hopes.

@user1473878824 I do suffer from severe back pains. It gets very bad in especially in winter so he will put volatrol on my spine, run a hot bath or heat up my water bottle if it's a bad day