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Original poster

To never date again? Tinder.

27 replies

NeverVAgain · 16/05/2020 23:00

I went on Tinder without any expectation at all, after briefly dating a man IRL that turned out to be a wannabe cocklodger.

On my Tinder profile I made it clear that I'm not just after sex, so not to message me if that's what they're after. Anyhow, had several matches and had a few guys message me.

Hit it off with one in particular and a few weeks down the line he asked if I'd like to go on to social media, to which I agreed. A month in he asked to meet up. I had a great time, thanked him, etc.

To cut a long story short, lockdown got in the way and all I've got is confusion and mixed messages - blowing hot and cold. He seems inexperienced with women in general, though this is part of the reason why I'm attracted to him.

Without giving too much else away, he has similar social attitudes, set of values to me, interests, etc to me. He's intelligent, funny, caring... l'm attracted to him in ways I can't explain, and think I've fallen in love with him. Ridiculous, I know, we've only been on one 'date'.

Well, he's ghosted me. I'm not sure how to process this, so have come on here to get it off my chest, so to speak. I'm very much the type of person that keeps plodding onward, even in times of crises, though right now I'm feeling a little raw and disillusioned. Perhaps if this had happened at any other time I wouldn't be feeling quite so heart sore.

I'm quite sure of the reasons why he's turned off me/not interested in me, and it's shattering to my self-esteem to say the least. Never dating again seems like a real possibility right now.... maybe again when I'm an OAP and life is a bit simpler... I dunno.

Please be gentle. Sad.

OP posts:
RainRainGoAway12 · 16/05/2020 23:17

Aww, don’t let one idiot put you off online dating. It’s a funny time to be starting a new relationship right now - there are all sorts of reasons why he may have ghosted you. 99.9% of them probably nothing to do with you at all. At least you’ve seen him for the immature plonker he is early. Unless someone has been rude or offensive there is no reason to ‘ghost’ - even a quick text full of hollow platitudes would be better than nothing (‘It’s not you, it’s me’ etc) Give it a month or two and get back out there. Good luck!

GhostCurry · 16/05/2020 23:19

I’m sorry, OP. That is one of the worst feelings in the world.

Original poster
NeverVAgain · 16/05/2020 23:23

Thanks Rain. Think some of it may be down to immaturity. Also get the feeling he's not over his ex, so it's probably for the best really.

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Original poster
NeverVAgain · 16/05/2020 23:23

Thanks Ghost.

OP posts:
MayDayHelp · 16/05/2020 23:37

Oh man you need a very thick skin for OLD. Chuck him in the fuck it bucket and move on.

Riverviews · 16/05/2020 23:43

I think you are going to find Tinder quite brutal. I've lost count of how many times I've been ghosted, even by guys who seemed really keen

Original poster
NeverVAgain · 16/05/2020 23:49

@MayDayHelp @Riverviews He added me on Facebook a few months back, should I unfriend him or just ignore?

I just don't know if my heart can take any more of this bullshit.

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lifeisgoodmostofthetime · 16/05/2020 23:55

I'd unfriend and delete his number. Seeing him on sm will make it harder and also having his number is holding on. I've done it myself and only this week deleted an ex's number. I feel better for it as I kept checking his whattsapp pic. Dating is really hard and unfortunately this kind of thing has become common.

Lampan · 17/05/2020 00:02

I’d unfriend him on Facebook. He doesn’t deserve to have that ‘window’ into your life now.
OLD can be brutal and probably Tinder more than most as people are overwhelmed with choice and the idea that someone better could be just a few swipes away. It might be hard but it’s best to treat it like a ‘sport’ - mainly for entertainment. Assume there will be more cringe/comedy/annoyance than anything else. That way it will be a bonus if you meet someone who turns out to be decent in the long run!

Original poster
NeverVAgain · 17/05/2020 00:15

I feel a fool for letting it come to this. I'm not sure it's me or him, though he's led me on to think he might feel the same, until very recently.

Unfriending... I'll sleep on it... you're right though, he doesnt deserve that window into my life now. I might have kept him as a friend had he been more mature about things.

The fact that ghosting has become common puts me off dating all the more. 😕 Moving on...

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 17/05/2020 00:25

Rule number 1 do not chat for ages...you need to meet within days once you start messaging and do not build them up in your head in to something they are not. And yes you need to develop a thick skin and then say...next...

66redballons · 17/05/2020 00:35

He was filling time with something nice. You. He has changed his mind. As in bought a nice dress, looked at in the wardrobe but never worn it out. It’s hanging in a charity shop somewhere now.
What a twat. Not you.

Waveysnail · 17/05/2020 00:38

Your better on pay sites. In usual times I'd do face to face coffee dates after work. Easy way to weedle out dead wood.

Dieu · 17/05/2020 00:44

Oh, what a cowardly bastard. Anyone capable of ghosting isn't worth your time or thoughts, OP. I'm sorry this happened, but it's for the best Thanks

Dieu · 17/05/2020 00:46

And definitely unfriend. Your dignity should mean more to you than him Smile

MayDayHelp · 17/05/2020 01:18

Hell yes, definitely unfriend him.

It hurts when this happens but sadly it isn’t unusual. He’s obviously decided to move on, for reasons you’ll never know (which is the most frustrating bit), so you should do the same.

Don’t let it put you off though, there are some decent guys out there, sadly they seem to be in the minority though. Try Bumble, it’s a bit less ‘shaggy’ than Tinder.

SunflowerSeedsForever · 17/05/2020 02:13

Married and in lockdown with wife?

Original poster
NeverVAgain · 17/05/2020 05:53

@SunflowerSeedsForever no, definitely not in lockdown with wife. If anything I'd say he's a twat for going dating sites in the first place as he's clearly not over his ex. What an insufferable arse. Going to avoid him for a few days, then unfriend.

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LaraLoui · 17/05/2020 06:38

You've put on your profile that you're after a relationship and not just sex, sadly, some men will see this as a challenge.

I think this is what this guy was doing, saw you as a challenge to conquer but lockdown got in the way so ghosted you 🤷‍♀️

Sorry OP.

ShallallalAa · 17/05/2020 06:59

Block, delete, grieve.

Do not allow an unsuitable man to stop you from having the chance of meeting someone who can make you happy.

Noconceptofnormal · 17/05/2020 07:27

I think you've got to try and take the attitude that if he's the sort of person who would ghost someone then he's not the sort of person you want to be with.

Ghosting is callous and cowardly, they're not good traits. If someone wants to end it then fine but man up and say so. Just think of it as a lucky escape.

Runbitchrun · 17/05/2020 07:31

Unfortunately PPs are right - you need a very thick skin for OLD. I’ve been at it on and off for years, and it’s brutal. Sorry you met a wrong‘un.

Riverviews · 17/05/2020 08:21

I also agree with crimsonlake. If you chat for too long, you start building them up in your head, and it is always a disappointment. I prefer to meet for a very quick coffee within a few days. Of course, the lockdown has made this impossible, so I am on a break from Tinder now.

NCforthisthread678 · 17/05/2020 08:30

Sorry you've met one of the (many!) Bad ones. I had a similar experience on Tinder, but it had developed further into a relationship. We had been dating several months, I was really falling hard and one day he just dropped off the face of the earth. I was really broken up about it, more so than at the end of any of my long-term relationships.

A friend encouraged me to get back on and give it another go. The very next person I matched with is now my husband and father of my gorgeous baby. There are happy stories on Tinder too!

Original poster
NeverVAgain · 17/05/2020 10:27

@NCforthisthread678 thanks for sharing you story. It's reassuring to know there are some good uns out there.

@LaraLoui wrt sex I think he was genuine on that one. He seems to have had only one ex from a young age, the mother of his kids, who he is still friends with. When he told me they were still friends, I thought great, at least he's not an abuser and is mature enough to co-parent, however, I now sense that I've been measured against her and that's just what he does, measures all women against her. Reckon he's going to end up alone for a long time.

If I do date again, it'll be within a week or two of chatting, for a coffee meet up as per PP's advice. And perhaps I'll stay off OLD - I dont have this thick skin you speak of and it's just too disappointing.

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